The Punster's Pocket-book

A Frenchman in a coffee-house called for a gill of wine, which was brought him in a glass. He said it was the French custom to bring wine in a measure. The waiter answered, "Sir, we wish for no French measures here."

A CLERICAL PUN

A person asked the minister of his parish what was meant by "He was clothed with curses as with a garment." – "My good friend (said the minister), it means that he had got a habit of swearing."

A SELFISH PUN

A certain tavern-keeper, who opened an oyster-shop as an appendage to his other establishment, was upbraided by a neighbouring oyster-monger, as being ungenerous and selfish. "And why (said he), would you not have me sell-fish?"

A GAMBLING PUN

At a ball given lately by a very rich individual, M. de C. found himself vis-à-vis at a table d'écarté, with a valet-de-chambre whom he had turned away some days before. "This time at least," said M. de S. to whom the circumstance was related, "this time, at least, he knew whom he had to deal with!"

A STAYMAKER'S PUN

A poor corset-maker, out of work, and starving, thus vented his miserable complaint: "Shame that I should be without bread; I that have stayed the stomachs of thousands!"

CLERICAL PUNS

At a church in Ireland, where there was a popular call for a minister, as it is termed, two candidates offered to preach, whose names were Adam and Low. The latter preached in the morning, and took for his text, "Adam, where art thou?" He made a very excellent discourse, and the congregation were much edified. In the afternoon Mr. Adam preached upon these words, "Lo! here am I." The impromptu and the sermon gained him the appointment.

HORNE TOOKE'S PEDIGREE

Horne Tooke having, in a political argument, obtained an advantage over his opponent, concluded by saying, "his irritable friend looked as red with vexation as a Turkey Cock." The other, thinking to wound his feelings by a cutting retort to this sarcasm, observed "that he dared to say Mr. Tooke had quite forgotten who his father was?" "Oh! no indeed, I have not," said Tooke, "he was a Turkey Merchant, (i. e. a Poulterer.)"

A JOE MUNDEN

It being told the comedian, during his stay at Brighton, that Mrs. Coutts had offered five thousand pounds for Byam-House, Munden exclaimed, "My wigs and eyes! five thousand pounds to buy-a-mouse! What the devil will the woman do next?"

PARISIAN PUNS

1. The Count de Sedan held that little state as a fief of the crown of France, of which he was in other respects a subject. Louis XIV. wishing to put his paw upon this domain, had the Count arrested and clapped into the Bastille, on a supposed charge of treason. The result was, that, in order to save his life, he gave up his possessions; on which the wits of Paris made this pun – "Il donnoit Sedan (ses dents) pour sauver sa tête."

2. Madame de Stael has been much admired for her handsome figure, and particularly her fine arm, but unfortunately disfigured by her deformed foot. Being in a gallery at Paris, where there was an empty pedestal, vain of her person, she mounted, and placed herself in an attitude to display her figure to advantage; but unluckily one of her feet peeped out. A wit approached, and seeming to look only at the pedestal, exclaimed, "O le vilain Pie-de-stal!"

3. Mons. St. Priest, who had been ambassador from the court of France to the Ottoman Porte, was afterwards sent, in a diplomatic capacity, to the Hague; but on account of some ceremonial being neglected, he refused to enter the gates of that place. This gave occasion to the wits of Paris to observe, that he was still "ambassadeur à la Porte."

COMMERCIAL PUNS.FROM "TRAVELLER'S HALL," "English Spy."

"I don't see the bee's wing in this port, Mr. Blackstrap, that you are bouncing about," said a London traveller to a timber merchant. "No, sir," said the humourist, "it is not to be seen until you are a deal higher in spirits; the film of the wing is seldom discernible in such mahogany-coloured wine as this." "Sir, I blush like rose-wood at your impertinence." "Ay, sir, and you'll soon be as red as logwood, or as black as ebony, if you will but do justice to the bottle," was the reply. "There is no being cross-grained with you," said the timber-merchant. "Not unless you cut me," retorted Blackstrap, "and you are not sap enough for that." "Gentlemen," continued the facetious wine-merchant, "if we do not get a little fruit, I shall think we have not met with our dessert; and although there be some among us whose principals are worth a plum, there are very few of their representatives, I suspect, who will offer any objections to my reasons."

A COCKNEY'S PUN

A Londoner told his friend that he was going to Margate for a change of hair; "You had better," said the other, "go to the wig-maker's shop."

AN IRISH PUN

The two Taymen

About the time of the issue of the new crown-pieces, Messrs. Bish and Sparrow, the advertising tea-dealers, though strongly opposed to each other, for two of a trade never agree, set about, highly to their credit, a reformation in the price and quality of the "fragrant lymph." An old Irish woman, fond of a cup of "good mixed," thought, what much more sensible people do, that the above worthies were no less than patriots; but she even went further; on being asked by a neighbour the meaning round the edge of the coin of "Decus et Tutamen," said she, "By the powers I suppose Decus means the King, but Bish and Sparrow are the Two Taymen."

A SPORTING PUN

Managing the Pack

A country gentleman, who was celebrated for taking the lead with some of the first-rate hunts, became so much reduced in circumstances by his attachment to gaming, as to accept the office of dealer at a gambling table. A friend (like Matthews's Dr. Prolix), with infinite promptitude, observed, "that he continued to follow his old predilection, for he still managed the pack."

"BULL'S" PUNS ON THE LATE PANIC AMONG THE BANKERS

"In the city, while Currie was Raiking together his cash, Sir John Lubbock Fostered his Clarkes; Sir William Kay knew his Price; Rogers felt Toogood to smash; one house in Fleet-street Praed to get through it; and while another chuckled like a Child, the Goslings were looking Sharp after their concerns – poor Hodsoll," added the dunce, "was obliged to give up his Stirling capital; but Stevenson knew his partner was worth his Salt; Dorien, Magens, and Dorien, got Mello with rejoicing, and Jansen was never near being 'done Brown;' Paxton and Cockerell, according to culinary custom, sent their Trail to take care of the long-bills; and though Fry might have been in a Stew for a time, he (like the Smiths of Mansion House-street) soon had his Payne removed.

"At the west end of the town, though Scott Claude up his money at the moment, he soon began to pay again; Kinnaird said he could Ransom his credit whenever he chose; while the other house in Pall-mall declared they had More-land than would settle the claims of all their creditors; and although Marten expected a Call on Arnold, they were equally steady with the house of Cocks (part-Ridges) at Charing-cross, who crowed most lustily at their own stability; every body knows, said the wag, that Green-wood never breaks, and as for Thomas's in Henrietta-street, it was very soon ascertained that there, all was Wright."

A HARROW PUN

Receiving a youth back who has been expelled for a misdemeanour, upon condition that he be severely flogged, appears to be a very odd mode of healing the breech.

A SOLDIER'S PUN

The peculiar new mode of drilling the soldiers in St. James's Park, ought, from the variety of their evolutions, to be termed quadrilling.

A PROFESSIONAL PUN

Speaking of professions, there must be somebody in every way. "Ay," replied Taylor the flute player, "and there is a great number of folks in one another's way."

A MUSICAL PUN

To make a competent double bass player, it requires a head-piece, while a wind instrument performer wants only a mouth-piece (i. e. a reed).

A BREAD AND MEAT PUN

A needy adventurer coming to London, who was very thin, observed to S. Taylor, that he only wanted to pick up a little bread among the musical profession; to which the joker replied, "If you can pick up a little flesh at the same time, it will not be amiss."

A PUN UPON MY HONOR!

A person who was addicted to "pledge his honor" upon all occasions, observed, on looking through the window, "It rains, upon my honor." "Yes," said Taylor, "and it will rain upon MY honor if I go out."

CLASSICAL PUN

"Do you know," said an Oxonian to his friend, "why an acre of land bought on a stipulation to pay the purchase-money a year hence, resembles an ancient lyric song? Because it is An-acre-on-tick.

A WARM PUN

"You are never witty," said a friend, "until you are well warmed with wine." "That may be," replied the punster: "but it is no reason, good sir, that I am to be well-roasted."

THE EXCISE-OFFICE v. THE STAMP-OFFICE

Foster, the oboe player, of Drury Lane Theatre (and who also belonged to the Excise Office) happened one day, at a rehearsal, to be playing rout of time. Shaw, the leader, began to stamp violently, and said, "Why don't you play in better time, you member of the Excise Office?" Upon which Foster replied, "None of your jeers to members of the Excise Office: you seem to be a member of the Stamp Office yourself."