The Punster's Pocket-book

"The electric spark, from Merc'ry ta'en;"
"Or gunpowder," says merry Mike,
"Touch it, you bid adieu to pain."

PUNNING AT BACKGAMMON

Two scholars of Brazen Nose College, Oxford, playing at backgammon, a third came in to size, that is, to obtrude for a dinner. The owner of the room throwing the dice, and addressing himself alternately to his visitors, said

"If I bate you an ace,
Deuce take me;
for it would be-tray a weakness
in a man who could not cater for himself.
Therefore sink me
if you do size."

A NEGATIVE PUN

"I am happy, Ned, to hear the report that you have succeeded to a large landed property!" "And I am sorry, Tom, to tell you that it is groundless."

A PUN. – THE ORIGIN OF THE PAPAL POWER

In the Latin version of the Bible there is the following passage: —Tu es Petrus, et super hanc petram ædificabo meam ecclesiam. The French, in rendering these words into their own tongue, convert them into a proof that St. Peter was the corner stone here spoken of —Tu es Pierre, et sur cette pierre j'edifierai mon eglise!!!

A MAN-MILLINER'S PUN

An amateur, famous for taking a front seat in the pit the first night of a new opera, was dreadfully annoyed one night by the big drum, opposite to whose "loud sounds" he was unfortunately placed. He expressed his uneasiness so frequently, that the performer made use of the word "man-milliner" once or twice, in derision of his tender auriculars. "Man-milliner!" said the gentleman, "I am none, but you're the vilest tambour-worker I ever met with."

A BACKSLIDER'S PUN

A gentleman asked another if he would have a skait on the Serpentine; – "Most certainly; but I can't trust to my soles and heels: besides, I should lose my character." – "Lose your character!" – "Aye, I should become a back-slider." – "Oh," answered his friend, "come along; you'll do, if you commence on fundamental principles."

AN HERALDIC PUN

A gentleman employing a porter whose name was Russel, asked him jocularly, "Pray is your coat of arms the same with the duke of Bedford's?" "Our arms (answered the fellow) are, I suppose, pretty much alike; but there is a confounded difference in our coats."

A CANONICAL PUN

A canon of Exeter Cathedral died a few weeks since; a gentleman, crossing the Cathedral-yard in that city, accidentally met a friend, to whom he said – "So, Canon H – is dead!" – "Indeed!" replied the other, "I was not aware that cannons went off in that way." – "Yes, they do," rejoined the first, "for I have just heard the report!"

AN APOTHECARY'S PUN

"Does your husband expectorate?" said an apothecary to a poor Irish woman who had long visited his shop for her sick husband – "Expect to ate, yer honour – no sure, and Paddy does not expect to ate – he's nothing at all to ate!" The humane man sent a large basin of mixture from a tureen of soup then smoking on his table.

A BITTER PUN

An apothecary asserted that all bitter things were hot. "Pardon me, (said his friend), this is a bitter cold day."

A SMUGGLER'S PUN

When the Custom-house corps first made their public appearance, it was observed by one, that they looked as formidable as so many Alexanders. "Rather say," said another, "that they appear more like Seizers," (Cæsars.)

COLLEGE PUN UPON PUN

Two Oxonians dining together, one of them noticing a spot of grease on the neckcloth of his companion, said, "I see you are a Grecian." – "Pooh!" said the other, "that's far-fetched." – "No, indeed," says the punster, "I made it on the spot."

A CRANIOLOGICAL PUN

A craniologist and a disciple of Lavater disputing the merits of their several professions; says the Skullist, "What we cannot get into their noddles, we get out of them." – "Yes," says the physiognomist, "God help the heads saddled with such a theory! for whilst one galls, t'other spurs 'em."

A CITY PUN

A wag, upon seeing the name of "Mr. Ledger, conductor of the Albion Library," in the list of deaths, observed, "Ah! poor fellow! his day-book's closed, and he's posted, I suppose, to his long account." – "By no means improbable," said another, "seeing he was engaged in book-keeping all his life!"

A PHYSICAL PUN

A gentleman dreadfully ill was recommended to a celebrated physician – "Oh," replies he, "I have called several times, but he's always out." "Why then," observes his friend, "try another." "Who?" "Who! why Sir Ever-hard-Home."

A COLLEGE PUN

A prize was offered in a certain society sacred to the Latin classics, for the best "Carmen" to celebrate Christmas. A jocose tradesman, in the city, sent the meeting two of his carters, saying, he knew no better carmen in the world to celebrate the festive season, as they had been "keeping it up" for the last fortnight.

A LADY'S PUN

A very agreeable lady of the name of Riggs, being one season at Margate, in the house with six others, her relations, and only one gentleman to attend the whole; when one regretting that they had not more of the male creation, she replied, "If we complain of not being well manned, I am sure we are well rigged."

A COBBLER'S PUN

A man in the city, amongst many curiosities, exhibited the identical boot worn by Frederick the Great. A gentleman viewing it, asked where the bullet wound was; "Och, (said the fellow from the sister country) it's been healed lately."

A JUDICIAL PUN

One Hog was to be tried before Judge Bacon, who told him he was his kinsman. "Well (replied the learned judge), no hog can become bacon till he is hanged, and then I'll allow your claim."

A BACCHANALIAN PUN

A jolly vicar, in a state of inebriety, making a zig-zag course to his house, was asked by a friend who met him, whence he came? He said, "I have been spinning out the evening with my neighbour Freeport." – "And now (replied the other), you are reeling it home."

A GERMAN PUN

A young man of the name of Cæsar having married a young lady called Rome, a wag wrote upon his door, "Cave, Cæsar, ne tua Roma fiat respublica."

A WHISTLING PUN

A youth was incurably addicted to the vile sin of punning. His father, who detested a pun not less than old Mr. Shandy himself, imposed a fine of half a crown for each commission of this offence. One day the father and son passing along, saw a man in the pillory. The punster could scarcely refrain from a pun with which he was big. The presence of dad, however, restraining his tongue, he indulged his wit by whistling, "Through the wood, laddie."

A MANAGER'S PUN

A new comedy, on its third representation, being thinly attended, the author observed that it was all owing to the war. "No (said the manager) I fear it is owing to the piece."

THE ANTIGALLICAN PUN