The Punster's Pocket-book

Mrs. – . My love, shall I send you a peach?

Mr. – . Yes, and if it isn't a good one, I'll impeach your judgment.

By connivance with the Frenchman, he must offer you a pinch of Maccuba snuff, saying he's sorry it is not better, but his Tonquin bean has lost its flavour. You then reply – Ay, I see it's one of the has-beens.

Mrs. – . Oh! that's too bad.

Mr. – . Why, it's wit at a pinch, at any rate; therefore it need not make you baw – l, as if I had got into the wrong box. – (Turning to the boys.) – What's Latin for goose, eh!

Boys. Brandy, papa!

Mrs. – . You'll kill yourself with that vile liquor.

Mr. – . How can that be – Isn't it eau de vie?

Mrs. – , at some time, must call for the nutmeg grater. – You take it, and address your neighbour: Sir, you are a great man, but here is a grater.

The sweetmeats will be praised of course.

Mr. – . All my wife's doing. Nancy's a notable woman, I assure you; but I'm more not able than she is, an't I, my dear?

Ladies all rise

Mrs. – . (Blushing.) – I can take a hint. My dear, pray touch the bell.

Mr. – . (Chucking a young lady under the chin.) – Yes, my love, I'll touch the belle.

Mrs. – . (Going.) – You wag!

Mr. – . No, I think you wag, but – (bowing) – I bow to you.

The ladies gone, the gentlemen need no instructions. They will all have recourse to their mother tongue, and the most ignorant will shine the most. The master must begin with half a dozen obscene puns, to make himself agreeable, and the conversation general[32 - Here I have run my pencil through several puns on the ladies' retiring. Though he says it is unnecessary, Swift could not help indulging the natural bent of his genius, which is a strong proof of the authenticity of the MS. An additional evidence appears in a query in a memorandum made on the margin of this MS. for the puns for a farmer. Some one, who has rye-fields, is to write to him – Pray send me men to mow rye? and he is to return a skull. Memento mori– Don't you see? But query – will mowing rye do for any but our Irish farmers?].

THE TEA TABLE

Mr.– . (Entering after all the rest.) – Ah! Mrs. – , what I see you are at home to a t to-night.

Boys. Pa, we have had no tea.

Mr.– . "Sine te juventas." That's wrong. It is right that you should not be left out.

Mrs.– purposely sends a dish of tea to a lady, without sugar, of which she complains.

Mr.– . (Handing the sugar basin.) – Well, ma'am, if you do not like it, you may lump it.

[Miss Lucy plays on the piano-forte, but is to fail in her first attempt.]

Mrs.– . (As planned.) – That comes of playing at sight.

Mr.– . At sight! Why what the deuce would come if she was to shut her eyes?

If any thing like serious or sensible conversation should be introduced, and there's no knowing what some dull fellow may not do, put an end to it at once with a pun. If he talk of war, suppose he means the Pun-ic war, and say that in your battles you are with Livy – "Punctim magìs quam cœsim peto hostem." If he speak of the army, look archly at your wife, and say you expect soon to have a son in arms, &c. Should he mention the Prince of Wales, inquire, which is greater, the Dolphin of France or the Prince of Wales? solving the question immediately with Juvenal's

"Delphinis Balæna Britannica major."

Than Dolphins greater is the British Whale

Now something about going into Bedfordshire and the land of Nod will wind up what is commonly called a very pleasant day, full of wit, humour, and repartee. I must not forget to observe, that, if you can add any practical jokes, which lead to puns, and fall at all short of murder, the treat will be improved.

Viz. Pinch a piece out of a man's arm, to say you did not know there was any harm. Break his shin – that's leg-al. Pull away his chair[33 - Memorandum. This joke is recommended, by the surgeons, for all seasons; but, in my system, better arranged, it will be proper to distinguish. In the winter, when the carpet's down, you are glad to bring that affair on the tapis. In the spring, the earth begins to bear every thing. In the summer, it's "summum jus," because it's "summa injuria," and the carpet being up, you give him board with a deal of pleasure, that's plain: and in the autumn, you allude to the fall. Besides, what does he do in a chair – all flesh is grass—hay!] when he is sitting down – you've good ground for it. Run your head against his —two heads are better than one. Overturn the milk-jug on him – then he's in the milky way. So with the urn – then he's in hot water. When he hops about, say he seems in a lame-ntable way. Let the boys knock the candle into some lady's lap – this you may call a wick-ed thing, &c. &c. Intersperse these, with other such amiable pleasantries as these, and all the fools (a commanding majority in every assembly in the country), will shout for joy, extol your wit, and applaud your ingenuity.

notes

1

Lib. ii. § liv.

2

Vide Joseph. Bengor. Chronic. in Edit. Georg. Homedidæ. Scriem Godoliæ Tradit. Hebraic. Corpus Paradoseon Titulo Megill. c. i. § 8. Chronic. Samarit. Abulphetachi. Megillat. Taanit.

3

Vide Plut. Apophth. p. 177.

4

See Laërtius.

5

Though it is no uncommon thing for a country printer to be without Greek types, this could scarcely be a serious complaint at Dublin in 1719.

6

Institut. Orator. lib. vi. p. 265.

7

Potius lungs, as a Dutch commentator would observe.

8

Hor. Ep. I. i. 67.

9

In the early editions of the tract, this admirable pun is ascribed to Dr. Delany.