The Punster's Pocket-book

That U follows Q
Is not always true;
When your pigtail I view,
Then queue follows you.

ON THE FILTHY STATE OF THE PAVEMENT DURING THE LATE RAINS

When British flags triumphant scour'd the main,
Trade unrestricted bless'd the industrious swain;
But now in vain 'gainst hostile floods he fags.
Oh that the main would scour the British flags!

TO THE AUTHOR OF "PEN OWEN."

If wit and elegance combined,
With harmless satire glowing,
Can gain applause, or charm the mind,
It is to your Pen-owing.

ON BOCHSA'S DELUGE, LED BY SMART

When Apollo appears, vain would Discord oppose;
With a "Deluge" of music the house overflows;
His (Boxer) Bochsa beats time, who's forced to impart
Nought but pleasure arising from Harmony's Smart.

A SNEER ANSWERED

"Leave off your puns," said Jack to Bill,
"Give me a bon mot if you will."
"A what? a bon mot! how absurd!
Whoever gave you a good word."

A PUNSTER'S EPITAPH ON HIS DOG

Here lies, who living never lied,
A friend sincere, of courage tried;
No slave to wealth, to vice unknown,
Though oft reduced to pick a bone.
Patch'd was his coat, both red and white,
And shaggy too his outward plight;
Yet grateful still his master serv'd,
And from allegiance never swerv'd.
A sportsman true, who at a word
Would point, and oft bring down his bird:
Or fetch, or carry, hunt, or find,
Whate'er was of the feather'd kind.
"By no disease – no blast he fell,
"But, like to fruit that's mellow'd well,
"Dropp'd on the earth, worn out by time,
"As clock that can no longer chime:"
Here Carlo stopp'd – for want of breath,
Outrun at last by Nimrod death.

    Bernard Blackmantle.

THE PUNSTER'S COURT;

OR,

THE CONTEST BETWEEN JANUS AND PAN

VERSIFIED FROM SWIFT

Great Plato and Homer, and half a score sages,
Who flourished as scholars in heathen-like ages,
Have all of them prov'd, if their writings you'll seek,
That Puns were esteem'd both by Hebrew and Greek:
Nay, more, that the gods loved and practised the fun,
And their merriment owed to the mirth-making Pun.
There's Buxtorf, a learned Chaldean, hath told,
That Ptolemæus Philo-punnæus, of old,
Sent for six learned priests, for his principal city,
To propagate punning and make the folks witty:
And so well did the priests with the people succeed,
That their Puns were collected, and thus 'twas decreed;
"In a temple devoted to punning and wit,
"In letters of gold, on the front shall be writ;
"'The shop for the physic to gladden the soul,'" —
Where the sick, sad, and broken of heart are made whole.
Here Janus contended with Pan for the throne,
When his double-faced godship unrivalled shone;
For no matter how wittily Pan punn'd away,
Janus turn'd round his head from the "grave to the gay,"
Till the audience, fill'd with amazement and wonder,
Decided for Janus's double entendre.

    Bernard Blackmantle.

PUNS FOR ALL PERSONS AND PURPOSES;

OR,

JOKES FOR EVERY DAY IN THE YEAR

"Touch but his gunpowder wit with a merry fire, and
you shall instantly hear a good report."

"A punster's wit, what is it like?"