Cause to Hide

“I’m telling you…it’s genetics.”

Rose grinned again, seeming to have forgotten about unpacking for the moment.

“Go for it, Mom!”

“Oh my God.”

Rose laughed and Avery soon joined in. It was easily the most vulnerable they had been with one another since they had started working toward repairing their relationship. Suddenly, the idea of taking a step back from Homicide and taking some time off from work seemed like a necessity rather than just a hopeful idea.

“Are you doing anything this weekend?” Avery asked.

“Unpacking. Maybe a date with Ma – the guy who shall remain nameless for now.”

“How about a girls’ day with your mom tomorrow? Lunch, a movie, pedicures.”

Rose wrinkled her nose at the idea but then seemed to seriously consider it. “Do I get to choose the movie?”

“If you must.”

“Sounds like fun,” Rose said with an edge of excitement. “Count me in.”

“Great,” Avery said. She then felt a prompting – a need to ask something that felt weird but something that would be pivotal to their relationship going forward. Knowing what she about to ask her daughter was humbling but also, in a very strange way, freeing.

“So you’d be okay with me moving on?” Avery asked.

“What do you mean?” Rose asked. “From Dad?”

“Yes. From your dad and that whole part of my life – the part of my life that made things rough for all of us. A big part of me moving on from that is not being chained by the guilt of what might have been. And I have to move away from your dad for that. I’ll always love him and respect him for raising you while I wasn’t there but he’s a big part of the life that I need to get away from. Do you get that?”

“I do,” Rose said. Her voice had gone soft and vulnerable again. Hearing it made Avery want to go over to the couch and hug her. “And you don’t need my permission, Mom,” Rose continued. “I know you’re trying. I can see it. I really can.”

For the third time in fifteen minutes, Avery felt herself inching toward tears. She sighed, and pushed the urge to cry away.

“How’d you turn out to be so good?” Avery asked.

“Genetics,” Rose said. “You might have made some mistakes, Mom. But you’ve always been kind of a badass.”

Before Avery had time to even form a response, Rose stepped forward and hugged her. It was a genuine embrace – something she had not felt from her daughter in quite a while.

This time, Avery let the tears come.

She could not remember the last time she had been quite this happy. For the first time in a very long time, she felt as if she were truly taking steps to escaping the mistakes of her past.

A big part of that would be talking to Ramirez and letting him know that she was done with hiding what had been growing between them. She wanted to be with him – whatever that looked like. Suddenly, with her daughter’s arms around her, Avery could not wait to have that discussion with him.

In fact, she hoped it went far beyond a discussion. She hoped they’d end up doing much more than simply talking, finally letting the tension that had been building between them have its way.

CHAPTER TWO

She met with Ramirez three hours later, just after his shift had ended. He’d answered her call eagerly enough but had sounded tired. That’s why they had elected to meet alongside the Charles River, on one of the many benches that overlooked it from the walking paths around the eastern lip of the river.

As she strolled up to the bench they had agreed upon, she saw that he had just gotten there. He was sitting down, looking out across the river. The tiredness in his voice showed on his face. He looked peaceful, though. She’d noticed this about him on numerous occasions, how he would get silent and introspective whenever presented with a scenic view of the city.

She approached him and he turned to her when he heard her footfalls. He flashed his winning smile and just like that, he no longer looked tired. One of the many things Avery liked about Ramirez was the way he made her feel whenever he looked at her. It was clear that there was more than simple attraction there; he looked at her with appreciation and respect. That, plus the fact that he told her that she was beautiful on a routine basis, made her feel safer and more desired than she could ever remember feeling.

“Long day?” Avery asked him as she joined him on the bench.

“Not really,” Ramirez said. “It was filled with busy work. Noise complaints. A fight at a bar that got a little bloody. And I shit you not, I even got a call about a dog that had chased a kid up a tree.”

“A kid?”

“A kid,” Ramirez said. “The glamorous life of a detective when the city is quiet and boring.”

They both looked out over the river in a silence that, over the last few weeks, had started to grow comfortable. While they were not technically an item, they had come to appreciate the time together that wasn’t filled with talk just for the sake of talk. Slowly and deliberately, Avery reached over and took his hand.

“Walk with me, would you?”

“Sure,” he said, giving her hand a squeeze.

Even hand holding was something monumental to Avery. She and Ramirez held hands frequently and had kissed briefly on a few occasions – but intentionally holding his hand was out of her comfort zone.

But it’s getting comfortable, she thought as they started walking. Hell, it’s been comfortable for some time now.

“Are you okay?” Ramirez asked.

“I am,” she said. “I had a really good day with Rose.”

“Things finally starting to feel normal there?” he asked.

“Far from normal,” Avery said. “But it’s getting there. And speaking of getting there…”

She paused, confused why it was so hard for her to say what she wanted to say. Due to her past, she knew she was emotionally strong…so why was it so hard to actually express herself when it was important?

“This is going to sound cheesy,” Avery said. “So please bear with me and keep my extreme vulnerability in mind.”

“Okay…” Ramirez said, clearly confused.

“I’ve known for quite some time that I need to make some changes. A big part of that came in trying to fix things with Rose. But there are other things, too. Things I’ve been almost frightened to admit to myself.”

“Like what?” Ramirez said.

She could tell that he was getting a little uncomfortable. They’d been transparent with one another before, but never quite to this extent. This was much harder than she had expected.

“Look…I know I’ve basically ruined things between us,” Avery said. “You showed extreme patience and understanding as I worked through my crap. And I know I kept luring you in a little at a time only to push you away.”

“That would be accurate, yes,” Ramirez said with a bit of humor.

“I can’t apologize enough for that,” Avery said. “And if you could find it in your heart to look past my hesitancy and my fears…I’d really like to have another chance.”