The World of Unicellular. This Book is a Medicine from Moronity

Well, firstly, the most mighty warrior is getting his mission not once in several, but once in many centuries. Secondly, nobody assigns his missionsto him, he takes it himself. Thirdly, he is already tired of those missions and striving for rest. Fourthly, The Warrior is not his name… Well, he has a lot of names. But just three of them are the key ones: stage 1: Lucifer (Eden is his deployment site; evolution); stage 2: AntiChrist (Hell is his deployment site; degradation), stage 3: MaRiCaBo (Earth is his deployment site; evolution). And on the Earth, he was forced to fight to get as much as Eve herself (in various incarnations preceding the Universal Coronation). He loved her, seduced, and fucked her once back in Eden being the Supreme Angel called Lucifer (which means literally Bringing Light). Yes, he really was, and is, brave and impertinent enough to woo Eve, but he is also modest and vulnerable, and this side of his life is nearly unknown… He is cruel, but he feels real pity for all he punished or is punishing. He is wise, but you will hardly manage to find a better fool. Well, that is The One, full of contradictions and conformities, randomness and regularity, strength and weakness, love and hatred, wisdom and stupidity, good and evil…

When a unicellular is talking to the Lord, it is called Prayer,

but when the Lord is talking to a unicellular, it is called Schizophrenia.

Anecdote

But let us get back to the World of Unicellular… How was it created?!? Well, there is a theory… About the one who has created those unicellular along with their world (actually, their turmoil) … The theory was developed by a great poster called Shiga (rated as Spartacian). By the time of our discovery of his great Unicellular World Creation Theory, he had already made as much as 3110 posts. He is from Sarani. And his theory is from there too.

Posted: Fri Dec 31, 2004 1:40 am

Post subject: The official religions of the Flash Mob party.

Jamgihism. Introduction

Me, “Guru”, Farid Al-Sarani Ibn Rinat Ibn Halfimulla Ibn Harryfulla Ibn Gurubuddhas present a new faith to all those living on the Earth. This is a religion which is the kindof a prophecy written from the words of an anonymous guy. Let’s call him this way – the Dude – just to be precise. So the Dude revealed a horrible story to me – the whole world is created by Jamgick – the God of Pot and Moochingaround who is the highest being as far as a real Jamgiman understands it. Well, I did write the story but in a condition the Dude was any folk could have made a hash of it. In short, believe me or not but it goes as follows.

The book of Jamgihism. Chapter one or the Holiest book about life, things and him.

1. How Jamgick created the World.

At first there was a word and the word was (actually two words) – Wonna gorge! There was Jamgick, a good fella who was living peacefully in one of the ghettos of the Universe until buggers got to him. Give away, they say, all the pot you have. And Jamgick told “mother fucker” and there was “mother fucker”. Jamgick took a gun tube and smacked some bugger on the dome and there started butchery. Blood, flying bodies and teeth on the concrete. To cut it short, Jamgick bumped the buggers off and there was nowhere to bury them, so, damn it, he created the Earth and settled down there, grew pot and other grass to make life brighter or else you can’t get fried up. He created vegetables and beasts of all kinds just to nibble on them. Some kinds of donkeys were created – just to take a few examples – hipplohonuses and damnasayisits. Then he took to making topography (what a superb designer he was). He went to stool – there you have America. He spread out his pot to dry it – there you have Kazakhstan. He founda place to cool his booze – there you have Russia. So, he tortured our poor old Earth in a big way. He lived on and all the time he lacked imagination as for human elements. For the time being…

2. How Jamgick has created all this people?

In short, Jamgick sat on a stone, read Charles Marx and smoked pot. Well, he became woozy and had some glitches. In such condition of complete detachment Jamgick also has created Admin and Pleva (according to the image of his glitches). Admin and Pleva were rubbing along the same as ever around the Chujsky valley. Jamgick spoke: “Live on a horse-radish, even do not pay the rent. But remember, if you smoke pot from a sacred tree of Hemp, a piss-up will be with you on a horse-radish. Ask Mahmud fora pot”. So, Admin and Pleva lived and lived till they have smoked all pot of Mahmud. And Mahmud did not collect a new crop, a bastard. So, comes and speaks to the Admin and Pleva: “Why do you behave as Chupakabras? There are much pot on sacred tree, and Jamgick will grow up more – he is a great master of his business”. So, they also have blown a sacred pot, and they were so flattened and covered that they have departed from the Chujsky valley to Magadan. Jamgick has told: “And! fucking hempsmokers, caught it at last! Well, live as you want. It is up to you, but never cross the threshold of my place.”

3. On Stone and Afiga.

Admin and Pleva have moved more to the centre and have lodged at one pusher’s summer residence. They had two sons – Stone (in honour of a stone, on which Jamgick sat while creating people) and Afig (A fig knows why he was named in such a way!). Stone traded at east market, and Afig – on western. Stone was doing quite bad, it was necessary even to pledge the house in “Currencies-transits”. And Afig at the same time bought Audi. Wow!!! So, Stone rated on Afig to cops, saying that his brother sells moonshine. In short, Stone was a rat. Oh! And Jamgick speaks: “Do not rat on, do not polish off and do not bump off other men”.

4. About Gnoah and his steamboat.

The dudes were rubbing along the same as ever. They were reveling so much that even things get a little wild and wooly. But somehow many guys began to treat themselves to some moonshine, cocaine and acid. Jamgick looked around, inhaled and said: “Hey, dudes, you are flipped over. I’ll get you done”. And decided to send all them to the damned bottom. But still not all of them. There was a guy, called Gnoah. So he was a true fan of Jamgick and a follower, so were his relatives. In short, Jamgick told him: “Let’s cut the bullshit, soon there will be a flood – all the central regions will be damned submerged. Weather forecast will inform nothing. In short, build the steamboat, take your relatives, and different animals to eat, and get out of here as soon as possible”. Gnoah built the steamboat and called it “Titanic”, dragged different animals and sailed along the lines of Turkish coast. Suddenly it rained and everything was submerged. They didn’t sailed to Turkey, portable radio set didn’t work – game over, in short. People sailed, smoke pot, ate the half of the animals. After their gorging the dinosaurs disappeared, and Yeti, Heffalumps, mammoths too and other membersof “Red List” of that time. Sometime in September they stopped (the coal ended up). What to do? They let out the parrot, called one-eyed Jabberwocky, who flew back in few hours with twig of hemp. It flew back smiling, blinking with one eye and said: “There are Armenians, growing hemp”. Gnoah says: “What is the shit with you, bla-bla, fly again and take the wonga, bring everything!”. In short after few days they boarded near the mountain Ararat (it’s named in honor of the football club) and founded the city of Chubankan.

5. About Araman and bunko.

Jamgimen were just living and puffing. Their town Chubankan was really prospering, even the Olympiad was taking place there.

But Jamgick decided to check whether local authority, well-known by everybody as Araman (he is probably Armenian), would bunko him. Jamgick is coming to Araman and saying: “You think that you are the real jamgiman. I think so too, but I doubt this a little bit. In short, I decided to check… Shit… I needto think up something… OK… You and your son Ssuck won’t be smoking pot for one year. You can trade it, cultivate it but don’t dare to smoke it or in that case I will come and fuck up your business”. Araman doesn’t really have a predilection for pot, but his son does… In short, it was rather hard task. When Ssuck came home he saw that his father was in mourning.

– What happened, kingpin? Did footpads were bothering you? —Ssuck said.

– Oh no, sonny, Jamgick, damn it, was here. He tells that we are not able to smoke pot for whole year.

– Motherfucker! OK, father, if Jamgick has said. Are we louts? We are if we won’t listen to him. Do you understand that bunko is the rotten business?

– You are telling the real thing, sonny. Let it be.

So, they hadn’t been smoking for a whole year. And than Jamgick came to their house and have gave them pipe, so they smoked together selected Hawaiian pot. Araman became the real jamgiman since that time, because he didn’t disobey the Jamgick order.

6. On maturganchiks.

Chubankan became the capital of Jamgick National Republic. All people were prospering, but suddenly their lousy competitors showed up in the shape of malicious maturganchiks.

Maturganchiks (from the word matur (the Old Honduran language) i.e. a cock) are the inhabitants of Maturgan, a city in the east of the land (in short, to get there by taxi appeared to be rather expensive). Maturganchiks confessed tubanacockizm, that is a malicious religion based on the use of heavy drugs. In their aggressive activity, maturganchiks used nuclear, chemical and bacteriological weapons that completely contradicted the ideology of jamgihism.

Maturganchiks started their acts of aggression towards Jamgick Republic what entailed a long and bloody war which eventually resulted in Chubankan downfall. On that site, maturganchiks founded Abyrvalk City. Every single Jamgiman was sentto a concentration camp and was subjected to a policy of genocide. People were poisoned with gas, forced to use heroin, to smell glue. In short, there was a gang rule. As for Jamgick, at that time he left on business. In short, the Jamgimen were like dead meat. Besides, maturganchiks processed all the chronic and made synthetic pot of it. In short, there was a hunger in the country – there was no hmp, no pot, no freedom as well. Uprisings were under way. In Bumburistan, Abdulla Ben-Anasha-Ali excited a rebellion and formeda proletarian-potty republic. But contrary to the Geneva agreements, maturganchiks applied air-cushion chariots in combats and won a victory having bumped off Abdulla and his brothers in mind. Soon maturganchiks published the law “On Jamge” where jamgahism was completely forbidden, and they started propagating rotten tubanacockizm. In short, only Kutakpas City was free from maturganchiks where there lived the descendants of Araman. They became a stronghold of the resistance rising all over the republic. Liberation was not far off.

7. About the commander Moishe Rabinovich and all-time jamga.

A large army, headed by Moisha Rabinovich, was gathered in Kutaklas. Moisha was a brutal warlord. In short, he gathered an army and moved to Abyrvalk. They came to town, and metin a battle with the army of maturganchiki. Moishe used the secret plan, called “Polish off the assholes” and took the initiative in the battle. But then maturganchiki began to use cluster bombs, which spray during the explosion radioactive gas “Purgen”, which caused unprecedented at the time diarrhea for jamgimen. Maturganchiki squeezed jamgimen into the ring and began to take them off in full, but then Jamgick came back from the mission. He looked at this act and stunned. With a cry “our people are beaten” he threw all the celestial jamga to the battle, and his favour helped a lot to defeat maturganchiki, who were thrown away to their fucking historical homeland. Jamgick built a wall for them that prevented them from more attacks on jamgimen. And jamgimen went into mourning – all the land of their republic was deteriorated because of the gas “Purgen”, and there was no place to plant grass. Well, Jamgick says to Moishe: “In short, take your fucking people, go to the big mountain, then go right, then left and then straight, and then you will see a Giant valley by Lenin, where the river Chu flows. A lot of grass grows there and climate is good, you will live there”.

8. About path-guiding of Moisha Rabinovich.

In short, Jamgimen, in the head of Moisha, went to the Chujsky valley. Long and long they went there. The people started to ascent the fucking-up to Jamgick himself. By-turn Moisha persuaded jamgimen as he could, like: “All fine, in short, we’re almost there”. And so they went further. Generation of jamgimen has passed but there was no sight of the valley. They have exhausted all their stocks. At that moment Moisha decided to contact Jamgick himself. So was dip to the astral world (computer network of those days) and sent a letter to Jamgick: “People demand bread, grass and circuses. Something must be done”. And so Jamgick had sent Moisha a fax with holy conceptions of true jamgiman. Here is the full text of this letter:

“Jamgick is the main god, as he is a real dude. Those who say that Jamgick isn’t real is a hell of a deadman walking. Jamgick has a full name, that is Abdul-Jamja Valdemarovich Ibn-Chupakabra Singh-Zilberman. Jamgick created the Earth and all the inhabitant dudes. All the birds have to acknowledge Jamgick asa real guy. All the people, oder guys, oder dudes are named jamgimen. Every real jamgiman must live by the rules.

Rules:

1. Don’t polish off other guys.

2. Don’t pinch.

3. Don’t wax other dudes and chicks.

4. Don’t say that Jamgick is not a real man. Damn, Jamgick is a dudester.

5. Don’t come up with different glitch stuff, which would replace you pot and hemp.

6. Jamgick is a real man, he is the supreme dude and no other is higher above him.

7. So… there are seven days… got it? Jamgick says: “Real men work hard all week, and then at Saturday they sleep on their beds and smoke some pot”. People would ask: “What about Sunday?” – and Sunday is katzenjammer!

8. Jamgick says: “Every man has to respect his ancestors. Otherwise is fatality will be”.

9. Don’t feel your neighbor’s mouth, “cause jamga will come and fucking hara-kiri will be for you!

10. Jamgick doesn’t care about your moral and material appearance in this world.

Yours Sincerely, Jamgick”.

Then, in short, Moisha came to jamgimen with all that pot and got stoned. Most of the people got trashed with heroin and raised a monument to Matur, sovereign god of maturgans. “What the hell! In every hole and in the crotch crack I’m gonna pump you dry”, – said Moisha to jamgimen gently. And from that moment lots of repressions piled up from Moisha and Jamgick. Every junkie was impaled and stringed up on a gibbet, all the others forced to memorize “War and Peace”. After mass genocide jamgimen went forward. They went and went. And then hunger came upon them, all the pot stock swapped on food. And then Moisha started begging. And Jamgick sent them heavenly jamga and beer of “Karaganda”, and the people satisfied their hunger. Eventually Moisha died somewhereby the road, before he reached the Chujsky valley, but his people did and they established there new city called Ahalay-Mahalay.

9. On the 2nd war with maturganchiks or war after Pumpururum.

About one hundred years ago a wise and a fair ruler Hashish Maganbershovich governed the Second Folk Republic of Jamgiland, as Jamgimen named their new state. He became famous for extended the borders of the republic to the hemp fieldsof Afghanistan. The republic prospered and became basis of peaceful international relations. Anyway, but in the west there were dark business with participation of maturganchiks. With the help of diplomacy, bribes and force, they achieved the destruction of wall and confession of the fascist state in a world association. In union with the puppet state of Pumpururum (being in the neighbourhood with the Second Folk Republic Jamgiland) they founded the union of “Tupakaban”, having a goal to take fertile earths of Jamgiland and set them with different muck. Aggression, that was undertaken by maturganchiks, was based on permanent boundary collisions with Jamgimen, but in one not very much zany day, the army of “Tupakabana” passed a border and began to bump off peaceful citizens from crapguns. Hashish ordered his troops to gather and go out to the borders of the republic, but there was an autumn, and it was rather difficult to collect an army, because all flew away in nirvana after the great day of liberation (on November, the 7th). Well and Hashish made statements on radio: “Hey, people, you are sweaty dude, don’t you understand anything. Till you grab some grub, rotten maturganchiks took Kem. Such problems we have, and you, damn… Jamgimen – you are great people. You were bumped off, and you got up on feet and hollowed all the way.