Take A Look At Me Now

Out of a job.

Unemployed …

However I looked at the words I couldn’t help but take them personally. This couldn’t be happening to me! Only that morning I’d wished for something to change …

And then, it hit me.

Something had changed. Admittedly not in a good way, but my secret wish had been granted. From this moment on, my life would never be the same again. Nell Sullivan, Assistant Planning Officer, was no more. That chapter of my life had been brought to a sudden end and now …

Well, now what?

The prat from HR was handing out tissues and wittering on about a hastily arranged consultation with a local recruitment agency to follow the end of the meeting. But it was as if I had become cocooned in a bubble, separated from the devastated expressions of my colleagues by a million new thoughts that sparkled and spun around my eyes. I hadn’t planned for this, hadn’t even considered its possibility in my carefully ordered life. And yet, here it was, together with the promise of three months’ wages in one go …

At the end of the meeting, I followed my colleagues out, my heart inexplicably light despite the devastation that surrounded me. Vicky grabbed my arm and pulled me from the line of zombie-like shufflers heading down the corridor to the room set aside for ‘career repositioning advice’.

‘Can you believe they’ve just done that?’ she demanded, trails of blue-black mascara running down her cheeks. ‘Bastards! I’ve just taken out a new mortgage on the house – how on earth am I going to pay for it now?’

‘I don’t know, hun.’

‘And Greg’s had his hours cut at the factory, too … This is such a mess.’

‘You’re telling me,’ the bulky, middle-aged hulk of our colleague Terry appeared beside us. ‘Can’t believe I chose this bloody week to give up smoking. Either of you have any fags?’

We shook our heads and watched him lumber away.

‘I think I might take up smoking,’ Vicky said, staring blankly after Terry. ‘Look at me: I’m shaking, Nell.’ She held out her hand and I could see the light from the strip-lights overhead undulating gently over her newly manicured nails. ‘I’m going to have to phone Greg and tell him. So much for our wedding plans next year.’

‘The agency might have something for you, Vix,’ I suggested, immediately hating myself for sounding like Aidan’s henchwoman. As I considered it, the thought that had begun in the meeting room grew. I didn’t want to be a victim of this. I wanted to do something else …

‘… Of course the Disney World trip Greg wanted to take me and Ruby on is out of the window. I might have to ask Mum to look after Ruby for an extra day because there’ll be no way I can justify paying nursery fees five days a week now. And then I’ll have to endure her endless diatribes on how reckless Greg and I were to have Ruby before we were fully settled. I swear if we have to move back to his parents’ house in Brentwood I will go insane …’

Vicky was listing all the things she now couldn’t afford and I had to force myself away from the burgeoning idea to give her my full attention. ‘Vix, hun, try not to think the worst. I know you’re still in shock – we all are – but we don’t know what the situation is yet. You and Greg have been through worse and look at how happy you guys are. Ruby’s gorgeous and loves you both to bits and you know Greg is a great dad and partner. You’ll work through this.’

She sniffed. ‘You think so?’

‘If anyone can get through this, you guys can.’

‘Thanks, babe. And you will, too. At least you and Aidan patched things up and worst-case scenario you could always move into that big house of his …’

I averted my eyes and she stopped.

‘You did get back together, didn’t you?’

I let out a long sigh. She wasn’t going to like it, but I couldn’t lie to her. ‘No, we didn’t.’

‘I don’t understand. Why call you into his office if he wasn’t going to …?’ Her eyes widened as the truth dawned. ‘Oh my life. You knew …’

‘He asked me not to say anything …’

Her expression darkened. ‘You knew, Nell! You came out of his office and you sat at your desk like nothing had changed, and all the time you knew?’

‘What was I supposed to do? I wasn’t going to be the one who broke everyone’s hearts!’

Vicky shook her head and instantly the room temperature seemed to drop. Deliberately, she turned her back on me and followed the others down the corridor.

What on earth was I supposed to say to her? I knew she was just angry and hitting out at the nearest person, but I felt frustration gnawing at me that she hadn’t afforded me the chance to reply.

‘Probably best to let her go.’ A hand appeared on my shoulder and I turned to see the pinched, triumphant expression of the office secretary. ‘She’s upset: it’s understandable …’

Angrily, I shrugged my shoulder free. ‘Get lost, Connie.’

I didn’t accompany my colleagues to the recruitment agency meeting, instead returning to the office to fetch my bag and coat. I needed to get out for a while, the atmosphere in the office sucking the life from my body and the whirling thoughts in my head making me dizzy.

‘Shall we grab some fresh air?’ It was Aidan, standing a few feet away, his eyes full of concern as he wrung his hands. ‘I don’t know about you, but I need a coffee after that.’

‘No thank you.’ I struggled into my coat and swung my bag over my shoulder.

‘Nell – I know this is hard. But I can look after you. Having to give you that news today made me realise how I feel about you. We’ve been tiptoeing round the subject for months now. Maybe this could be the making of us? I have that big house all to myself, after all. Let’s stop pretending: we’re meant to be together …’

Incredulously, I turned to look at him. ‘Seriously? You’re declaring your love for me now?’

He mistook my tone for surprise, his confident grin widening as he stepped towards me. ‘Yes, baby. Let me look after you. You have to admit this is what we both want …’

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Was Aidan Matthews so deluded that he thought news of my imminent unemployment was a suitable precursor to renewing our relationship?

‘Go away, Aidan. I don’t think we have anything more to discuss.’

He was staring after me like a dumb animal as I swept out of the office.

I didn’t go far: just for a walk around the periphery of the Council office complex, its landscaped grounds curving around the multi-million-pound building that had been the cause of much controversy when it had been built eight years ago. The flat grey sky cast a subdued light over everything and a lack of breeze made the space seem ominously quiet.

This had not been the way I expected today to pan out. In the space of four hours I had assumed I was getting back with Aidan, discovered I was losing my job, unintentionally offended my best friend and then been propositioned by the man who had just sacked me. Not bad going for a Thursday morning. And now, everything hung precariously like question marks suspended in my mind. How did I really feel about this? What was going to happen with my room in the rented house-share? Without a steady income, things didn’t look promising. How long could I exist on my redundancy pay?

As I walked around the car park, the idea that had occurred to me before my run-in with Vicky returned – and with it, a sense of injustice that grew the more I considered it. Why should I have to obediently sit and wait until I found another job? It might take months to find something else. I only had to watch the news to see how hopeless the jobs situation was right now …

I deserve more than this.

I thought about the figure that had been typed on my redundancy letter. As an indication of how much my soon-to-be former employer thought of my contribution to them, it was an insult. But, as an unexpected lump sum, it could be seen as a bit of a windfall. Perhaps it was a sign that my carefully planned life wasn’t the best way to live. Perhaps it was an opportunity to do something different …

What do you want, Nell Sullivan?

The question presented itself suddenly, stopping me in my tracks. I was hurt and angry and dreading the prospect of being unemployed. I didn’t want this to be my life for the next however many months it would take to find another job. I wanted something positive, something that would build me up, not drag me down.

I want to do something just for me …

And then, it hit me. I could go somewhere – far away from my former job and uncertain future. My trip to New York with Vicky two years ago had been the last time I’d had a proper holiday – the sort that involved plane tickets and duty free, anyway. This could be something just for me. I didn’t just want a break from everyday life: I needed an adventure. And while my measly redundancy settlement wouldn’t go far to pay my bills, it would make a nice little nest-egg to invest in a trip …

It was brilliant. I didn’t know where I wanted to go, only that I needed to do it – and soon.