Take A Look At Me Now

Yes I do, Aidan. ‘Thank you. As do you.’

‘Quick, come in and shut the door.’

I did as he asked, willing my heart rate to slow as images of the last time we’d got back together flashed across my mind – the passionate kisses, the locked door and the pot plant by his desk that never quite recovered from its sudden toppling … I took the seat opposite him and sat with my hands folded demurely in my lap. Aidan Matthews might want me back, but I was going to make him work for it. ‘So, here I am.’

‘Here you are …’ His lazy smile sashayed its way across his tanned features and I shifted a little to halt the forward route march of the butterflies in my stomach. Then he straightened and cleared his throat, the act so suddenly vulnerable that I had to fight the urge to leap across his desk and snog him for all I was worth.

‘Nell, there’s something I have to tell you. I’ve known since yesterday, and I have to say it came as somewhat of a shock to me. I honestly couldn’t have predicted this.’

You’re not the only one … ‘Really?’

His eyes were intent on me. ‘Really. I just – Nell, I don’t know how to say this, what words to use …’

My heart went out to him. ‘Aidan, I know. Just say it.’

A flash of confusion traversed his face. ‘You know? H-how do you …?’

Full of confidence, I smiled and leaned towards him. ‘I just do, Aidan. It’s written all over your face. So don’t worry about the right words: just say it.’

‘Wow.’ He looked bewildered but relieved at my invitation. ‘You’re being incredible about this – you are a wonderful woman …’

My smile broadened as I cast a quick glance in the direction of the not-so-healthy yucca plant by his desk. Prepare for another re-potting, plant …

‘… That’s why it’s such a tragedy we’re going to lose you.’

I don’t know what happened then: it was as if what Aidan said was usurped by the words the Aidan Matthews in my mind was at that moment expressing: I love you, Nell. I can’t fight it any more. Will you take me back …?

For a while the two Aidans faced off: one uttering irresistible words of love, the other retorting with – well, whatever it was he was saying that I couldn’t comprehend.

‘Nell? Say something, for heaven’s sake.’

I scrabbled my way back to the here and now. ‘I just … I thought … Sorry, what did you say?’

Aidan’s shoulders dropped and guilt stained his face. ‘I didn’t want you finding out at the same time as everybody else. Like I said, I only knew for definite yesterday and I almost told you after the briefing meeting. But we’ve been through so much together, you and I, that I just couldn’t bear the thought of you hearing it from anyone other than me. I care about you, you know that …’

His mouth was moving, but none of the words made any coherent sense. And then, slowly, like a pinprick of light piercing the darkness of a tunnel, the truth began to dawn.

‘You’re sacking me?’

‘I wouldn’t have put it like that, but …’

‘How else would you have put it, Aidan? You’re taking my job away!’

‘It’s not me personally, Nell …’

‘Well it feels like it.’

‘Of course you’ll feel that way. But at least it isn’t just you, honey …’

Rage pulsed through my body. ‘Oh that’s OK then! As long as I get to share the ignominy of redundancy with my colleagues! What kind of stupid, cruel logic is that?’

‘Try to keep your voice down, OK? I’m not meant to be telling you this.’

I snorted. ‘Well, lucky old me.’

He leapt from his chair and was suddenly beside me, his hands on my shoulders. ‘I know this is difficult. Believe me, I didn’t sleep last night agonising over how to tell you. But don’t you see, Nell? It’s out of my hands! I tried to speak up for you, but they’re rearranging the entire department. It’s come from top level – budget cuts and the recession have forced their hand. There’s nothing I can do.’

I bit back tears as I looked into his beautiful blue eyes and hated myself for even caring what he thought of me. ‘What am I going to do?’ I begged him, my voice disgustingly weak and needy. ‘What about my rent? My car? How am I going to find another job that pays like this one? Nobody’s hiring at the moment.’

He stroked my cheek with his hand. ‘At least you’ll have your redundancy pay. They have to acknowledge the service you’ve given for six years. At least it’ll pay the bills for a couple of months … Believe me, there are people in a far worse situation than you in this department.’

This news did anything but comfort me. I glared at him. ‘Who else?’

‘Beg your pardon?’

‘Who else is being sacked, Aidan?’

He swallowed hard and I hated the shame I saw in his face. ‘Almost everyone. Nick will stay on as Chief Planning Officer, I’ll remain as Head of Department and Connie will be asked to become office manager for Parks and Recreation as well as Planning.’

I let out a hollow laugh. So all of Connie’s sucking up to management over the years hadn’t gone unnoticed … ‘Right. I’m going now.’

He wobbled backwards as I stood, and I suddenly realised how pathetic he looked, stripped of his work-related bravado.

‘Please don’t say anything to anyone. We’re calling them all into the meeting room in half an hour.’

Part of me wanted to grab the ailing yucca and ram it down his traitorous throat, but despite my fury I walked steadily out of Aidan’s office and back to my desk, where for the next thirty minutes I hid behind my computer screen, feeling like the biggest traitor in the world as the regular banter of my colleagues tore my heart to shreds.

I am losing my job …

The words felt alien, cold, jagged.No matter how many times I repeated them in my head I couldn’t reconcile them to my life. I had never been made redundant, not in all the years I’d been working. In the three positions I’d held since graduating from university, I’d always been promoted, or resigned when a better job came along. The carefully mapped-out schedule for my life hadn’t accounted space for a ‘redundant’ block. My home, my car, my career – and even my secret future dream of running my own business – were all nothing without money, without stability.

I stared at my reflection in the dark screen of my computer monitor and saw pure, hollow-eyed fear glaring back at me.

I’m losing my job. What am I going to do?

CHAPTER TWO

So long, farewell …

Processing the news was a surreal experience. I felt as if I was floating just above a room filled with rotating knives, knowing my descent was inevitable. How dare Aidan drop this on me? How could he think this was a better option than learning about it with the rest of the team? At least if I’d heard it at the same time as them we could have reacted as a team, united by a common experience. Now I was in limbo – not in with Aidan and the lucky few who would walk out of the office today knowing they had a job to come back to, and not with my workmates who were about to learn their fate. I hated it; and I hated Aidan more for once again demonstrating how little he really knew me. I wanted to tell Vicky but she had disappeared to the canteen to grab a bacon sandwich. Feeling completely helpless, I wished the seconds away until the inevitable meeting.

Thirty minutes later, we filed into the meeting room like sheep into an abattoir, my colleagues completely unprepared for the lightning bolt about to fire at them. Aidan and two of his superiors calmly handed out letters to all of us, detailing the consequences of the Council’s ‘programme of restructuring’. Vicky and two of my other female colleagues began to sob quietly, while my male friends stared in gut-wrenched silence, eyes not blinking as the awful reality set in. Some idiot from HR who nobody knew then stood up and explained how committed the Council was to ensuring our personal development – a ridiculous stance to take considering it was happily sacking fifteen people. When he asked for any questions he was met by uniform, wordless hatred.

I could feel Aidan’s eyes on me, but I refused to look back, focusing instead on the impersonal general letter in my hand:

We regret to inform you … This is not a personal reflection on your considerable contribution to the Department, rather a necessary measure to protect the financial integrity of the Council …

No longer required.