Yuletide Proposal

Brianna didn’t know what to say so she remained quiet, silently sharing the grief that filled his eyes and dimmed their sparkle. Suddenly the earlier awkwardness she’d felt didn’t matter.

“It’s okay.” She offered the soothing response she often used at the clinic.

“It’s not.” Zac’s shoulders straightened. His chin lifted and thrust forward. “It’s not okay at all. That’s why I have to nip this in the bud now.”

“Nip this—I don’t know what you mean.” Dread held her prisoner. Something was going on behind that dark gaze. Would her son be expelled? Would Zac punish her son because of what she’d done?

“I refuse to allow drugs to ruin another young life. Not Cory’s. Not anyone’s.” Zac blinked. His eyes pinned hers. “I’m going to need your help, Brianna.”

“My help?” She gaped at him. “I’ll certainly talk to Cory, get the whole story and help him understand how easily drugs can cause damage we never expect. But what else can I do?”

“More. A lot more, I hope.” Zac rose and began pacing behind his desk, his long legs eating up the distance in two strides. Nervous energy. He’d always been like that. “Let me explain. I came here—actually I specifically chose Hope because school test scores are rock-bottom, the lowest in the state.”

She listened attentively as he haltingly told her of the purpose he’d set for himself since Jeffrey had died. Zac spoke of making a difference, of helping kids find their own potential so that drugs weren’t even a consideration. His words reminded Brianna of his youthful eagerness to teach when they’d both been students at college, when their goals had been the same—to help kids uncover their potential.

“You must have seen the test scores in the files of the students you’ve counseled at the clinic,” he said.

“Yes.” Brianna nodded. “Pathetic.”

“Last year was my first year in this job and it was an eye-opener. I found a major lack of initiative, total boredom and a host of other issues. But I never found drugs.”

Brianna grew engrossed in his story of trying to create change until she glanced at her watch and realized she didn’t have much time to see Cory before her next appointment.

“I’m sorry it’s been so difficult, Zac,” she interrupted, rising. “Though I don’t know the first thing about combating drugs in schools. Education is your field.” His slow smile and those bittersweet-chocolate eyes, glittering with suppressed excitement, made her pause. “What?”

“You know a lot about motivating people, Brianna. You always did, even before you started practicing psychology. Inspiring people is in your blood.” He held her gaze with his own. “I doubt that’s changed.”

Surprised that he’d harked back to a past that could only hold painful memories for both of them, Brianna frowned.

“Remember when there were no funds for our school choir to go to that competition?” Zac’s grin flashed. “You were the one who roused everybody and got them to pitch in and raise money for the trip.”

“You want me to raise money?” she asked dubiously, confused by his excitement.

“No,” he said and continued as if she hadn’t interrupted. “When Jaclyn’s sister died, you were the one who made a schedule to ensure her friends would be with her during the first hard days after the funeral. You were the one who helped Jaclyn solidify her goal for Whispering Hope Clinic, and you were the one who kept that dream alive even though your other partner left town.”

“It wasn’t just Jaclyn’s goal. Jessica was my dearest friend. I vowed to keep her memory alive by making sure no other kid ever went through what she suffered because of a lack of medical help. That’s why I came back to Hope, to help kids,” she said.

“I know.” Zac smiled. “You’re an encourager, Brianna.”

What was with the trip down memory lane? It sounded as if Zac was praising her, but that couldn’t be. Brianna had jilted him!

“You’re a motivator who inspires, and you’re very, very good at it. I’ve always admired that about you.”

Admired her? Brianna bristled, irritated that his memory was so selective. The words spurted out without conscious thought.

“If you admired me so much, how come you betrayed me the night before our wedding?”

That was so not the thing she wanted to say to Zac Ender after ten long years. Brianna clapped a hand over her mouth and wished she’d never answered his summons this morning.

“I—wh-what?” Zac’s face was blank, his stern jaw slack.

Brianna had to escape.

“Look, I have to go. I have another appointment.” She grabbed her purse and headed for the door. “Perhaps we can talk about this again another time,” she murmured.

“Count on it.”

The firm resolve behind his words startled her into turning to look at him.

“We’re not finished, Brianna.”

She wasn’t sure whether that was a threat or a promise and she didn’t want to consider either at the moment. For some reason she couldn’t figure out, Zac still got to her. She needed time to get her defenses back up.

“I’ll talk to Cory,” she promised and left.

Brianna breathed deeply as she headed back to the clinic. Once there she paused a moment to study the exterior of the building that housed Whispering Hope Clinic and to remember how the dream had started. Jessica’s cancer had been diagnosed too late because of a doctor shortage in Hope. As they watched the disease decimate her, Jessica’s sister, Jaclyn, Brianna and their friend Shay had made a pact to one day return to this little town in New Mexico and open a medical clinic for kids to ensure no child ever went without help again. Jaclyn was now the pediatric physician at Whispering Hope Clinic. Brianna was a child psychologist and hopefully Shay would soon join them to offer physiotherapy.

Brianna’s mother had never understood how deeply Jessica’s death had affected her daughter, or how that death had prompted Brianna to volunteer in the hospital’s children’s ward. But it was there Brianna had learned to listen. That’s what she’d been doing on the school steps one afternoon with Shay and Jaclyn. A teacher had later commented on her ability to encourage, and then urged Brianna to consider becoming a counselor. Desperate to escape her mother’s expectation that she take over the family business, Brianna focused on her own plan—attend college, get her doctorate and return to Hope to keep her vow. Her mother’s refusal to help her reach that goal sent Brianna to seek help from the smartest kid in school, Zac. Once she’d thought he loved her but his perfidy had sent her away from Hope and she’d struggled to achieve her goal on her own.

Now that she was finally back in Hope, fulfilling the dream she’d cherished for so long, Brianna could not afford to get sidetracked by handsome Zac Ender.

* * *

Zac ran every evening after sunset, when the community of Hope was nestled inside their houses with their families around them. Usually he used the lonely time to review his progress in reaching his goals. But tonight his thoughts wandered back ten years to a time when he’d been so certain life couldn’t get any better; when Brianna Benson said she loved him and he’d loved her.

Zac knew now that he’d been deceiving himself. What did he know about loving a woman? He hadn’t had a father growing up, nobody to teach him anything about relationships, especially how to be the kind of husband Brianna needed. He’d always had a social disadvantage. Those first few years after the car accident that had killed his father had left Zac so badly injured he’d had to endure ten years of surgeries just to walk again. Maybe that’s when the lingering feelings of abandonment had taken root; maybe he was a loner because he’d never had a role model to show him how to become a man who could open up to a woman, to expose his deepest fears and his worst scars and trust that she would still care for him in spite of everything. Maybe that lack of inner harmony was why he never felt God had any particular use for a man like Zac Ender.

But for that tiny space in time ten years ago, Zac had believed marriage to pretty Brianna was the answer to his prayers. Then, her long, coffee-colored curls had framed her heart-shaped face. Her perfect white smile had engaged everyone and her hazel eyes had sparkled gold glints in their green depths as she’d cheered him on. Zac had bought into her dream that he could finally shed his inhibitions and open up to people as she did, without freezing up. For a little while he imagined it was possible to shed the inner lack of confidence which had branded him a laughingstock from the first awkward day his health had improved so much he’d finally been granted permission to quit homeschooling. He’d walked into Miss Latimer’s seventh-grade math class full of excitement and found he couldn’t answer a question he’d studied two years earlier. Instead he’d stuttered and stammered until Miss Latimer had called on someone else. Even now, all these years later, the sting of the other kids’ snickers and scorn still caused a mental flinch. As time passed, Zac had accepted their branding of the nerd who never fit in.

But in college, Brianna tantalized him with a self-concept that hinted at the possibility of him becoming poised and able to communicate in any situation. Though Zac had improved his communication skills thanks to Brianna’s tutelage, he now recognized that back then, inside, in the recesses of his heart, he’d never outgrown being that ashamed, embarrassed kid who couldn’t use words to express what was on his mind. Secretly, even then, he’d always feared that one day the vivacious, energetic and exuberant Brianna would realize he could never be the outgoing husband she wanted, that God simply hadn’t made him that way. The day her dad told him Brianna had run away from their wedding, the bubble of Zac’s pretend world burst.

Now, ten years later, Brianna had changed, and not just by cutting her hair into a pixie style that framed her face and made her eyes the focal point. Zac had changed, too. He knew who he was and exactly what his failings were. He was a nerd and he didn’t fit in. God didn’t mean for him to be a missionary or a minister. He didn’t gift Zac with social abilities. Zac still struggled to speak in public. Certainly God didn’t expect him to express his faith publicly, other than by attending church. Zac had no illusions about God ever turning him into a public figure. But Zac had a plan. And he’d done what he planned, gotten his degrees, advanced his career. He’d set very high goals for himself. None of them included romance. He had no intention of failing twice.

But now Zac had reached all his objectives save one. It was time to climb the final rung and prove to the world that nerd or not, Zac Ender wasn’t a failure. It was time to make his move from delivering education to formulating curriculum. To do that, he needed success. He’d chosen Hope High School as his proving ground.

Success in the only field he was good at was achievable, particularly if he could get Brianna’s help.

Zac thought he’d feel awkward with her today. But after the first few moments he hadn’t. It seemed natural to seek the opinion of the school division’s psychologist about a matter relating to school issues. He’d kept things cool and businesslike between them. No emotion, no harking back to their past mistake.

Until she’d made that comment “How come you betrayed me the night before our wedding?”

Zac jogged up his driveway and made his way to the back deck. He stretched out, gasping for breath as her words played over and over. Finally, when his breath evened, when he’d settled into a patio chair with a bottle of water and still no explanation for her comment arose, he decided it didn’t matter.

Their past was over and so was any relationship he’d had with Brianna. It was the future he had to focus on. He didn’t intend to waste a second of it rehashing who had done what. She’d come home to Hope. At the first job opportunity Zac intended to leave.

In the meantime he would seek Brianna’s help for the school, he’d work toward straightening out her son, but he would not allow any of his old feelings for her to take root. He couldn’t. Because some things never changed.

Ten years had proven nerdy Zac Ender was still not the man Brianna Benson wanted.