Bound By Their Babies: Bound by Their Babies

She was standing at the sink with her back to him, holding something under the running tap, and he went up behind her and squeezed her shoulders gently.

‘I’m sorry, Em. This is all my fault. I should never have agreed to you doing this—’

‘Rubbish. It’s not your fault, it’s mine.’

‘No, it isn’t. It’s her mother’s fault. She’s a little girl—how could she just leave her? Of course she’s upset. Don’t blame yourself.’

‘That’s easy to say, but I do. Everything I do upsets her. I should be able to comfort her, but she doesn’t want me, she wants you, or her mother. And she just won’t let me comfort her. She hates me, and she hates Zach, and it’s just not working—’

He leant in closer, and then saw blood all over the sink and reached past her and turned off the tap. ‘Em, what’ve you done?’

‘Isn’t it obvious?’ she said, and he let out a sigh, put his hands on her shoulders and turned her round.

‘Let me see,’ he said gently, taking a handful of kitchen roll and resting her hand in it. ‘Let go?’

She released the pressure, and blood welled rapidly in the wound before she pressed it again with her thumb.

‘OK. Well, at least it’s a nice clean cut, not too deep, and it won’t need stitches. Just a firm dressing and it should be fine.’

She nodded, and something wet dripped on his hand. He tilted her face up and shook his head. Tears?

‘Oh, Em, don’t cry,’ he pleaded softly. ‘I don’t need two of you doing it, and Matilda’s fine now, she was just exhausted. She’s gone out like a light.’

‘She’s been crying for ages. She wouldn’t go to bed without you, I couldn’t even change her, I couldn’t do anything—’

‘Oh, Emily. Come here.’ He pulled her in against him with one arm, the other hand cradling her wounded hand in its nest of bloodied kitchen towel. He could deal with that later, he’d had far worse to worry about today, and so had she. For now, all she needed was a hug, and she turned her head into his shoulder, gave a ragged little sob and slumped against him.

It was the first time he’d seen her cry since Pete’s terminal diagnosis, when she’d just discovered she was pregnant. She hadn’t even cried at his funeral, and it was so unlike her that it gave him a real and unwelcome insight into just how bad her day must have been with the children, and he was swamped with guilt.

‘I’m sorry,’ he sighed. ‘You’re right, this isn’t working. I’ll phone Ben and tell him I can’t do it anymore. I’ll have to find another way until she’s more settled.’

‘Such as what?’ she asked, pushing herself away and swiping roughly at the tears. ‘Put her in nursery? That won’t be any better. It was just a bad day, Jake. Anyway, it’s the weekend now and you’ll be at home. Maybe that’ll help her to get used to me, to the whole situation. She just needs time to adjust.’

‘I can see that, but I’m worried about now, before she’s adjusted, if she ever does. It sounds as though today was awful for all of you, and what happens if it’s still as bad on Monday, or the day after, or the week after that? I can’t ask this of you, or Matilda. She obviously needs much more time with me than she’s getting.’

‘She does, and Zach needs me, too, but you have to work, Jake. There’s no way round it. Life costs money and something’s got to give. We all have to compromise. We just have to find a compromise that works, and in two months’ time I’m going to be in the same boat and I have no idea what I’m going to do either.’

He pressed his lips together, let out a sharp sigh and let go of her hand. ‘Here, let me dress that, then we’ll order a takeaway and sit down and talk about this calmly.’

* * *

Half an hour later her finger was dressed, she had a glass of a nicely chilled Aussie white in her hand and they were sitting down to a selection of steaming takeaway cartons, the contents mostly chosen because they were fork food.

And now she’d finally stopped wallowing in guilt and self-pity and re-engaged her brain, apparently it had come up with a brilliant idea. Now she just had to sell it to him.

‘So, I might have a solution,’ she said.

He paused, his fork halfway to his mouth, and gave her a sceptical look. ‘There isn’t a solution.’

‘There could be, if you’d consider a job share.’

He put the fork back down and stared at her as if she’d grown two heads. ‘Who with? And anyway, that doesn’t help with the nights and weekends. It wouldn’t work.’

‘It might,’ she said slowly, suddenly desperate to convince him, ‘if it was with me and we shared the childcare.’

There was a second of silence while he absorbed it, then he shook his head. ‘No. I couldn’t ask you to do that, Em, especially after today. It’s not fair on you or Zach and you’ve got enough on your plate without taking us on. What I really need is a nanny, but it’ll take time to find one and I don’t have time. You’re right, she wouldn’t have been any better in a nursery. Probably worse, in fact, because she wouldn’t have been in familiar surroundings. She’s just testing you.’

‘Well, she certainly did that, but she doesn’t need me to tell her where the boundaries are, she needs you.’

‘She needs consistency, but that isn’t the point. The point is it upset you, and it’s too much to ask of you when you’ve got your own problems—and anyway, there’s no way we could job share, you live too far away.’

‘Not if I move in here,’ she said, and held her breath.

His eyes widened in surprise, and she could almost hear the cogs turning. ‘Here?’

‘Yes, here,’ she said, gesturing around her at the huge kitchen dining room that ran from front to back in his double-fronted Victorian semi. ‘Your house is massive, Jake. There’s tons of room.’

‘Em, it’s a heap. I only bought it because I thought it would make a fantastic family home, but then Jo changed her mind and I ended up running two households, so I haven’t had the money to sort it out. It’s just a millstone round my neck and if it wasn’t such a wreck I’d sell it.’

‘Rubbish, it’s a fabulous house, a fantastic family home, as you said. It just needs a lick of paint.’

He sighed. ‘It needs much more than that. It’s just tired from one end to the other. I was going to put an en suite next to the main bedroom, refit the bathroom, refit the kitchen, change the carpets, repair the roof—at the very least the whole house needs a coat of paint, and then there’s the garden which has been neglected for years—it’s endless.’

‘That’s cosmetic,’ she pointed out. ‘There’s a downstairs shower room. I could use that. And you have five bedrooms, so even if we take two, you’ll still have a spare for visitors. And there’s your study, which is big enough to be another sitting room, so we don’t even have to share that if you don’t want to.’

His brow furrowed, the worry evident in his eyes. ‘It’s not that I don’t want to share with you, Em, that’s not an issue, we were housemates for years, but we’re not at uni anymore. We’re adults, parents, and anyway, you don’t want to leave your house. You shared it with Pete for so many years, you can’t walk away from that just to help me out. You’d be giving up so much.’

She would, but she wouldn’t let herself think about that. Not now. Pete was gone, but Jake was very much alive, and he needed her. And she needed a job.

‘It’s just a house,’ she lied, ‘and believe me, my motives for suggesting it aren’t entirely selfless. I need a job as much as you do, but the reality is we both need cover for nights and weekends and random shift patterns, and that’s going to be really difficult to manage without live-in help, but if we lived here together that would solve it, and it would also mean taking a cut in salary was more viable for both of us because we’d be paying out much less in childcare and only be running one household. And it needn’t be for ever. A couple of years, maybe a little more? Five, even, and who knows where we’ll be by then? You might have met someone you want to marry, someone you love, someone who loves Matilda. But for now, it would solve both our problems. We could make it work, Jake.’

He stared at her for the longest moment, hope flaring in his eyes, and then he dug around on his plate with his fork, moved the food around, then looked back at her again searchingly.

‘Are you serious?’

‘Yes, I am. Why not? I want a part-time job with consultant pay, and you think nannies don’t grow on trees? I’ve networked my butt off the last couple of months and there’s not a glimmer of part time or a job share anywhere in our field at the level we’re at. Well, there’s a staff grade post in Cumbria, but that’s miles from everyone I know and miles from Pete’s parents, and they have a right to share in Zach’s life. They’ve already lost their son. I can’t take their grandson to the other end of the country, it’s not fair. And in the meantime I have to earn a living and make appropriate care arrangements for my child, and so do you. Think about it, Jake. You’d be working part time, so you’d have time with Matilda, I’d have time with Zach, we’d both be working at consultant level—it’s a win-win.’

He scrubbed a hand through his hair and searched her eyes again. Goodness knows what he was looking for, but she didn’t think he’d found it because he shrugged and looked away and his eyes were bleak again, the flicker of hope she’d seen in them extinguished by defeat.

‘I don’t know. It’s a lot to think about, for both of us, and we can’t make a snap decision. Come on, let’s eat this while it’s still hot. I’m starving and I didn’t get time for lunch and I can’t think clearly on an empty stomach.’

She reached out and laid a hand on his, suddenly afraid he was going to spend the rest of the night finding reasons why it couldn’t work, and for some reason she didn’t really understand she was desperate that he shouldn’t do that. ‘Just don’t dismiss it, Jake. Don’t close your mind to it. Promise me you’ll give it serious consideration.’

He nodded slowly. ‘OK. I promise. Right, food. Do you want the last of that rice, or can I have it?’

* * *

Jake stared up at the ceiling, his eyes tracing the cracks in the Victorian plasterwork, seeking out the peeling paper at the edge by the window where the roof had leaked last year. How could he ask Em to give up her lovely home and share this place with him and Matilda? Never mind the job thing...