The So-called Human Race

An idea pushed along to us by L. O. K. has no doubt been seriously considered by the Congress. It is to move the tubes of all thermometers up an inch on the scale every fall, and down an inch in the spring. This would make our winter temperature much more endurable, and our summer temp. delightful.

LET US PERISH, RATHER, BY DEGREES

Sir: Before the Congress adopts the idea of L. O. K. to move the tubes of all thermometers up an inch on the scale every fall and down an inch in the spring, I rush to inquire how shall we, who possess only a two inch thermometer, on which an inch covers at least 70 degrees, be able to withstand the extremes of climate? May I not suggest that the Congress be petitioned to make the move by degrees instead of inches, and thus avoid great suffering? L. J. R.

You may have noted – nearly everybody else did – that Jean Paige and Albert Smith were married in Paris, Ill., “at the farm residence of Mr. and Mrs. Wigfall O’Hair.” The Academy of Immortals attended in a body.

Commuters discuss many interesting topics, including the collection of garbage. Mac was reminded of a Michigan lady of his acquaintance who, with a new maid, was trying to pull off a very correct luncheon. In the midst of it the maid appeared and said, “Oh, Mrs. Kennedy, the garbage man wants a dime.” The hostess, without batting an eye, replied: “We are having company to-day. Better get a quarter’s worth.”

“‘My mind is open on the question of garbage disposal,’ Alderman Link declared.”

You know what he means.

HYMN OF HATE

(Reprinted at request of Mr. Hoover.)

Cranberry pie, or apricot —
We love them not, we hate them not.
Of all the victuals in pot or plate,
There’s only one that we loathe and hate.
We love a hundred, we hate but one,
And that we’ll hate till our race is run —
BREAD PUDDING!

It’s known to you all, it’s known to you all,
It casts a gloom, and it casts a pall;
By whatso name they mark the mess,
You take one taste and you give one guess.
Come, let us stand in the Wailing Place,
A vow to register, face to face:
We will never forego our hate
Of that tasteless fodder we execrate —
BREAD PUDDING!

Cranberry pie, or apricot —
Some folks like ’em, and some folks not.
They’re not so bad if they’re made just right,
Tho’ they don’t enkindle our appetite.
But you we hate with a lasting hate,
And never will we that hate abate:
Hate of the tooth and hate of the gum,
Hate of palate and hate of tum,
Hate of the millions who’ve choked you down,
In country kitchen or house in town.
We love a thousand, we hate but one,
With a hate more hot than the hate of Hun —
BREAD PUDDING!

Since prohibition came in, says the Onion King, Americans have taken to eating onions. As Lincoln prophesied, this nation is having a new breath of freedom.

Asked what the racket was all about, the inspired waiter at the Woman’s Athletic Club replied, “It’s the Vassar illumini.”

In a soi-disant democracy “personal liberty” is an empty phrase, bursting with nothingness. Personal liberty is to be enjoyed only under a benevolent autocracy. It is contained wholly in the code of King Pausole:

“I. – Ne nuis pas à ton voisin.

“II. – Ceci bien compris, fais ce qu’il te plaît.”

There are many definitions of “optimist” and “pessimist.” As good as another is one that the Hetman of the Boul Mich Cossacks is fond of quoting: “An optimist is a man who sees a great light where there is none. A pessimist is a man who comes along and blows out the light.”

“Two-piano playing is more or less of a sport, as the gardeners say,” observes Mr. Aldrich in the New York Times. And we are reminded of Philip Hale’s review of a two-piano recital. “We have heard these two gentlemen separately without being greatly stirred,” he said in effect, “but their combination was like bringing together the component parts of a seidlitz powder.”

Writes H. D., at present in Loz Onglaze: “Alphonse Daudet says that the sun is the real liar, that it alone is responsible for all the exaggerations of its favorite children of the south.” And you know what the sun does to Californians.

The Paris decision suggests a neat form letter for collection lawyers: “We hope that you will not place us under the necessity of envisaging the grave situation which will be created if you persist in failing to meet this obligation.”

FOR WHICH MUCH THANKS

Sir: The Heraminer relates that James K. Hackett has refused to play the title rôle in “Mary, Queen of Scots.” Gosh, but this is a relief! G. D. C.

THE SECOND POST

[An order for a picture.]

Dear Sirs: I am sending you two photos and $5. I want you to have this work done as perfect as possible, there is a little alteration which I want made, which you will see as follows. Take the man from the single picture, which is my father, and paint him standing behind my mother which is setting in the chair on the grupe picture, or put him setting in another chair beside the girl on the same picture whichever you think will look the best to make a good picture, but I want the four persons in one big good picture. You will see that the picture has a redish flair, please try to get the others without any of that, also you will see that our eyes in the grupe picture is raised too high, please fix them looking natural, also put our eyebrows thick and natural, and make our faces as pleasant looking as possible, also you will notice in the picture that the girls dress is not sitting good from the waist down, please fix that setting smoothly as the breeze was blowing so hard in the yard that I could not keep my skirt setting in good shape around me, so please rectefy all these foults which I mention and make me a good picture as I want it to keep in memory of my family as we are now; you may put it in rich brown or sepia pastel whichever you think suits the picture the best, let the photoes be enlarged but full stature the same as the origenal.

A FIG FOR CEREMONY!

[From the East Peoria Post.]

New Year’s Day our young friends, Miss Hattie Cochran and Mr. Elias King, without any ceremony at all were united in the bonds of holy wedlock.

THE SECOND POST

[Received by the Chief of Police of Wichita, Kas.]

Der Sir: I am writing you to know if you have seen any thing of my wife in Wichita. She run off from me and a feller told me he seen her in Wichita having a big time. She is kinder Red Headed tolerable tall and has got a prety Bust in fact she is perfectly made up and you mite know of her by a Thing she has got tattooed on her rite thigh kindly in front of her leg. I think they aimed it for a Hart with L. M. in it but they kinder made a bum job of it and it is hard to make out what it is. If you here of her let me know it at wounced and I will come rite up fur her fur I want to See her bad. eny thing you let me no Surtenly will be appreciate. Yours truly, (Name on File).

P. S. – I may come rite to Wichita myself and see if I can find her, but you keep a look out fur her.

… What may interest you is that one of the Fords was owned by A. F. Fender.

OPEN THE GATES!

Sir: That sound of hoof-beats heralds the arrival, to join the Immortals, of Royal Ryder, a mounted copper in San Francisco. G. Gray Shus.

Thanks to fifteen or twenty observant travelers for the info that the manager of the drug department of the Alexander Drug Co. in Omaha is George Salzgiver.