The So-called Human Race

“That’s the New Broom,” said the Hatter. “There’s been another election. Evidently the Democrats won, as there goes the Donkey, waving his ears and hee-hawing.”

“Oh, is that a fruit store?” asked Alice.

“No; the Republican headquarters,” replied the Hatter. “That huge cornucopia you see is a symbol of Prosperity. Prosperity in Cartoonland is always represented by a horn of plenty with a pineapple in the muzzle. You’ve heard the expression, ‘The pineapple of prosperity.’”

“No,” said Alice, “but I’ve heard about the ‘pineapple of politeness.’”

“That,” said the Hatter, “is something else again.”

V

Presently they came to a collection of factories, the tall chimneys of which poured out smoke in great volume.

“Those are the Smoking Stacks of Industry,” said the Hatter.

“What do they manufacture here?” asked Alice.

“Cartoonatums,” said the Hatter. “A cartoonatum,” he explained, “is a combination of wheels, rods, cogs, hoppers, cranks, etc., which sometimes looks like a sausage grinder and sometimes like a try-your-weight machine. It couldn’t possibly go, any more than the locomotives in Cartoonland.”

“Why don’t the Cartoonlanders have machines that can go?” inquired Alice.

“That,” replied the Hatter, “would require a little study and observation.”

VI

As Alice and the Hatter walked along they passed many curious things, such as Wolves in Sheep’s Clothing, the skin of a Tiger nailed to a barn door, St. George and the Dragon, Father Knickerbocker, barrels of political mud, a huge serpent labeled “Anarchy,” a drug store window full of bottles of Political Dope and boxes of Political Pills, an orchard of Political Plum Trees, and other objects which the Hatter said were as old as the hills. “I’m afraid there’s nothing to hold us here,” he declared.

Alice’s attention was suddenly attracted by a little girl in a thin and ragged dress who, with an empty basket on her arm, was gazing wistfully at the goodies in a bakeshop window.

“She represents Poverty,” said the Hatter. “When she isn’t staring at a bakeshop she’s looking at a proclamation by the ice trust, or something like that.”

Alice spoke to the child and learned that she was one of a large family. Her father, she said, was a New York cartoonist who one day had been visited by an Original Idea.

“Where is he?” cried the Hatter excitedly.

“He dropped dead!” replied the child, weeping bitterly.

“Good night!” said the Hatter, and walked away.

A LINE-O’-TYPE OR TWO

Quicquid agunt homines nostri est farrago libelli.

    – Juvenal.

Question:
Who is this Juvenal wheezer?
Readers inquire every day.
Give us a line on the geezer —
What is he trying to say?
Do you expect us to get stuff
That is clear over our bean?
What is that “Quicquid, et cet.” stuff?
What does the gibberish mean?

Reply:
If you’re too lazy to look for
Juvenal’s name in the Dic,
Why should I go to the book for
Such a cantankerous kick?
Still, to avoid all dissension,
And my good nature to prove,
I am quite willing to mention
One or two things about Juve.

Juve was a Roman humdinger,
Writer of satires and sich.
He was consid’rable stinger —
Rare were his sallies and rich.
High his poetic position,
Lofty his manner and brow;
Lived in the time of Domitian; —
That’s all I think of just now.

As for that “Quicquid, and so forth,”
I have but space to advise
If you’d decipher it go forth,
Look in the Dic and be wise.
Make it a point, in your reading,
Always to look up what’s new.
That is a simple proceeding:
Why not adopt it? I do.

IT HAS BEEN DONE

Sir: Broke friend wife’s favorite Victrola record. Told her about it. She came back with, “Well, that’s the only record you ever broke.” Do you think she was bawling me out or was she paying me a compliment? E. P. P.

“Will the Devil complete the capture of the modern church?” inquires the Rev. Mr. Straton of New York. Why is it assumed that the Old Boy is attempting to capture it? People go to the Devil; the Devil doesn’t have to chase after them. The notion that Old Nick, is always around drumming up business is an example of the inordinate vanity of man.

Dean Jones of Yale is credited with this definition of freedom of speech: “The liberty to say what you think without thinking what you say.”

“ON SUCH A NIGHT …”

[From the Bethany, Mo., Clipper.]

After the serving of light refreshments the young ladies repaired to the third floor and “tripped the light fantastic” while music waved eternal wands. And then the whole company flocked in and enjoyed the beauties of this grand home, lingering and chatting, with the enchanted spell of the glorious evening still strong upon each one, until the crescent moon had veiled her face and the vain young night trembled over her own beauty. And then with expressed regrets that the hours had flown so rapidly the guests bade a fair good night to their charming hostess.

TEMPERATURE