It’s About Love

I shrug. Dad nods. “I’ll drop you back.” His hands are smeared with oil as he ejects the Ghostbusters DVD and files it back into the row on the carpet.

I look at my phone and see four missed calls from Mum. It’s half ten. She’ll already be at the hospital. Dad hands me a twenty pound note. “Here, for cleaning up the place.”

He smiles. I take the money. “Thanks, Dad.”

“Come on, I wanna get to the chippy before it shuts.” He rubs his barrel stomach as I pull on my trainers and follow him out the door.

EXT. – NIGHT

An old black Vauxhall Astra drives along the night-time road, reflected streetlights rolling over its bonnet.

“So it’s going all right, then?”

He’s watching the road as he drives and I’m thinking, every conversation feels easier in the car. Staring forward and talking should be standard procedure.

“Yeah,” I say, “It’s fine.”

“Not too much homework?”

“We’ve only just started really. It’ll be fine, Dad.”

We’re behind the same bus that I catch home from town.

Dad glances my way. “And what about girls?”

I think about Leia and Simeon and my legs tighten. “No.”

Dad shrugs his boulder shoulders and I notice he’s not wearing his seatbelt again. “What? I’m just asking. New pond, new fish, strapping young shark like yourself. You’ll make a killing.”

I shake my head. “What the hell does that even mean? Sharks? In a pond?”

And he’s laughing. “I dunno. It’s an analogy.”

Now I’m laughing. “Oh, it’s an analogy, is it, Joseph? And since when do you make analogies?”

“Well, when your boy goes off to college and starts mingling with college types, you need to step your game up, don’t ya?”

He grips the steering wheel dramatically, pretending like he’s trying to control a spiralling jet fighter, and waits for my reply. I just look at him, then blow a raspberry with my tongue. “There’s your analogy, old man.”

And we laugh together as we turn on to the high road.

Our laughter fades out as we drive down ours and he pulls up outside the house. You can see the hall light is on through the glass top of the front door, but we both know the house is empty.

“You wanna cup of tea or something?” I say. Dad looks at the house.

“Better not, wouldn’t want to get too comfy, eh?”

I unbuckle my seatbelt. “OK. Enjoy your chips then.”

“Luke,” he says and I sense something coming. He turns to me, his chunky hands in his lap. “We can talk. I mean, if you want to.”

It’s not what I was expecting. I know how hard it is for him to bring it up. I’ve thought about it lots of times. All his size and strength didn’t count for anything when they sent his son down, and I know he would’ve done the same thing as Marc if he’d found out first. I know he doesn’t speak about it to anyone. I know not speaking about it drove the nails into the coffin of him and Mum.

“He couldn’t handle you seeing him, you know?”

And, just like that, there’s a tiny crack in the wall of him.

I can’t help staring. “What?”

Dad won’t look me in the eye, but he carries on. “He made me promise not to bring you, for visits. Your mum too. He didn’t want either of you seeing him in there. Me either. That’s why I stopped going.”

It’s the most he’s said about Marc since he’s been away and I don’t know where to look. Our road is dark and quiet.

“I told him. I told him, Luke. One’s enough. One good punch and walk away. One …” He breathes through his nose like an animal. “Him who can’t hear, must feel. Eh son?”

I say nothing. Just sit next to my old man, feeling more like a grown-up than I ever have.

Dad shifts in his seat. “Anyway, that chippy’ll be shutting. I’ll see you, Lukey.” And the moment’s over and I’m about to get out, when he grabs my head with his big hand and pulls it towards him, kisses me on the crown, then pushes me off. “Go on, get home.”

I watch the car drive away, the red brake lights as it reaches the corner, then it’s gone. One small scene. The least amount of words, but it feels like somebody just lifted up the heavy rock of my dad and showed me something growing underneath.

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I’m walking up the hill to college. It’s Tuesday.

I’ve convinced myself that ‘brooding loner’ is my persona of choice. I’ll find a different seat in film, and if there isn’t one, I’ll just style it out and keep quiet till Leia gets the picture.

As I get to the campus, my phone beeps. It’s a message from Tommy:

Yo, hurry up and hook me up with one of them posh girls, Lukey, don’t be tight. T

I picture him sitting on a stack of paving slabs, smoking a cigarette in between middle-aged builders with thick necks and rubbish tattoos as I type a reply:

Sorry mate, they’re all only interested in me. Animals they are. I’m knackered to be honest. See you tomoz

I read the words and stare past my phone at the floor as I click send.

Groups of people are walking towards different lessons in different buildings and even though he’d probably do or say something to properly embarrass me, I’m wishing Tommy was here right now.

Leia isn’t there when I walk into class, but there aren’t any other spare seats besides the one next to hers so I just sit where I did before, and prepare myself to play it cool. A pale girl with the sides of her head shaved and a ponytail is playing music through her phone to the blonde girl next to her. They both stare at me as I sit down and I make myself not look away. Get a good look if you want.

Noah’s sitting at the front, just watching people as they talk, then Leia walks in with Simeon and I pretend not to notice.

“Hey,” she says, as she sits down next to me. She’s wearing a black Stussy hoodie and it’s probably a birthday present he got her when they were going out or something. Definitely. I nod without speaking and stare forward like I’m ready for the lesson to start. I watch Simeon slap palms with the chunky rugby boy as he sits down and I try and give him a nosebleed with my mind.

Just forget them.

Noah slams his hands down on his desk and everyone jumps.