Play It Again, Sahm

Thx 4 offer, mom. But no need. No big deal. Get more clients soon. Write shorter mssg, takes less time.

Dear Friends,

As many of you know, my daughter-in-law, Dulcie, has been working ever so hard the past few months to start her own interior design business. Well, things just aren’t going so well! She could only get one client, and they’ve dumped her because they decided to get a divorce after meeting with Dulcie!

It would just break my heart to see her fail! She’s trying to support the whole family—three children and a “house husband.” Poor thing—it’s just not right for a woman to have such a burden on her. But I know how that feels— I was a single mom for years before marrying my beloved Morris.

So I’m starting a “let’s help Dulcie” campaign! We all could use some home decorating help, right? And I know many of you are…shall we say… “gifted” with plenty of financial resources (Hi, Mr. Tabuchi!!!) so there’s no reason not to hire my daughter-in-law. You’ll get a prettier house or theater or office building, and she’ll be able to put food on the table.

She really is the sweetest little thing. And very talented, too! You all should see how she decorated the bedroom for her twins—a woodland fairy theme with hand-painted trees and twelve fairies hidden in different corners and crannies all over the room! Who wouldn’t want such a good mom working on their project?

You should look at her Web site: www.homemakerin-teriors.com and give her a call! Besides, I’m fixing to make a whole new batch of my famous peach butter later this summer. I’d be more likely to give jars of it to people who are supportive of my kids. :)

Blessings,

Jeanine Hash

P.S. Please feel free to forward this to lots and lots of people!!!

Mom, tell me you did NOT just send that message to Shoji Tabuchi! The “hi Mr. Tabuchi” referred to some other guy and NOT the Branson megastar with the most-photographed theater bathrooms in America… RIGHT???

By the way, who ELSE was on your friends list???

Dulcie

Well, of course I sent it to Shoji, darling! He’s been my employer and Morris’s employer for years, and a good friend, too. Not to mention how sweet he was in letting us have our wedding ceremony at his theater! Wasn’t it beautiful—with Morris on the white horse and us girls floating down on stage from sparkly stars? It seems like it was just yesterday…

Anyway, Mr. Tabuchi knows a LOT of people, dear. Plus, if you were able to do a project for him or his family, just think of all the business you’d get!

As for who I sent the e-mail to? Well, everyone I know—which is nearly all of Branson and half of Springfield! Just consider me your marketing and PR machine, sweetie.

Love,

Jeanine

Text Message From Dulcie Huckleberry: For Tom Huckleberry

——June 16/10:08 a.m.——

I’m going to kill your mother. Just wanted to warn you. How is the park?

Text Message From Tom Huckleberry: For Dulcie Huckleberry

——June 16/10:12 a.m.——

Park is fine. Girls having fun. Will it be Dulcie, with the candlestick, in the library?

Text Message From Dulcie Huckleberry: For Tom Huckleberry

——June 16/10:14 a.m.——

Hah! Candlestick 2 gentle 4 her. Will be me, in kitchen, drowning her in own peach butter.

Text Message From Tom Huckleberry: For Dulcie Huckleberry

——June 16/10:15 a.m.——

Yikes! Why? Or do I have 2 wait 4 testimony at trial?

Text Message From Dulcie Huckleberry: For Tom Huckleberry

——June 16/10:15 a.m.——

Plea will be temporary insanity. Hers. Xplain at home.

“This” being my house. I can’t figure it out. Something smells awful! Like garbage—only I’ve emptied every single trash can in the entire house. I even rinsed them all out with bleach and water! I scrubbed the fridge, replaced the baking soda in there, and put baking soda down all the drains. I cleaned the toilets, the microwave, and even did all the laundry.

And it still reeks!

I’m so mad! All that work, and for nothing!

Zelia

How can you say it was all for nothing? You got your house cleaned, didn’t you? And at least you didn’t have a stranger scrubbing your toilets.

Jocelyn

Joc, babe, are you still whining and moaning about the pain of having someone clean your house FOR you? I love you, girl, but… Get. A. Grip.

As for my own housecleaning efforts (done by the sweat of my brow and the grease of my elbow, I might add)…it was for nothing because I was trying to get rid of the garbage smell in my house. I was not trying to clean my house. If I’d known that all that cleaning was still not going to help, I would have saved myself the trouble.

And we did have near-strangers victimized by our olfactory pollution. My DH Tristan had a coworker and her husband over for dinner last night. It wasn’t until after we were done eating that we first noticed the problem. I thought Tristan had forgotten to take out the garbage like I asked him to.

I kept jerking my head toward the kitchen, trying to signal to him that we needed to talk privately. The blockhead. (Whom I love with all my heart, but still…) Totally oblivious.

Carla, his work colleague (who happens to have just been made a partner in his firm—somebody he needs to impress), started sniffing the air. I pretended I wasn’t watching. Then she checked the bottoms of her shoes.

DUH—it wasn’t that kind of smell. Anybody ought to have known that!

Then she leaned over, like she was getting something out of her purse, but I could tell she was smelling under her arms.

Tacky. But it was making me nervous. Something reeked. In my house! And one of the partners of Tristan’s company was definitely noticing it!

I excused myself to the kitchen and checked the garbage can. It had a few scraps in it from fixing dinner, but nothing that smelled. In fact, the kitchen didn’t smell as bad as the family room.

By the time the couple left, both of them looked like they were going to pass out soon from trying not to take any deep breaths. They gave us these tiny frozen smiles and scuttled out of the house. I’m almost certain I heard them both gasping for air before we had barely shut the door.

I am utterly mortified! I spent all day trying to track this down and no such luck!