The First Time Mums’ Club

Alice laughed in response. ‘Really? Why?’

‘You’re just so positive about everything. You see the good that can come out of every situation; nothing ever fazes you.’ She wished she could be more like Alice.

‘Oh, come on, Ims, you know that’s not true.’ Alice kept glancing over to her as she drove.

‘It is! You never worry about things; you just get on with it and make things happen. You don’t worry about what other people think and you just breeze through life, enjoying it.’ Anxiety settled in the pit of her stomach and she recognised the feeling instantly. Having suffered with anxiety attacks in the past due to stress, she knew the warning signs. She concentrated on her breathing and looked out of the window so that Alice couldn’t see panic in her eyes. She kind of wished she hadn’t worn the hoodie now as she felt a bead of sweat trickle down her chest. She rolled her sleeves up, exhaling.

‘Listen. You are an incredibly strong woman. You have so much to be happy about; you don’t even need to entertain anyone else who wants to be negative in your life. You have me, and we have this baby – that is all you will ever need.’

She nodded but didn’t answer. She could feel her heart rate increasing, pounding, reverberating through every inch of her skin. The high-pitched noise ringing in her ears as she desperately tried to slow her breathing. Don’t do this, not now, she told herself. She concentrated on the spot of dirt that she could see on the window. She needed to channel all her energy into this spot, focus, bring everything down a level and breathe. In through her nose; out through her mouth. She needed to do this as discreetly as she could; she couldn’t let Alice see that this anxiety was making a comeback. And because of her mum, yet again. All she ever wanted was to have that close mother-daughter relationship that others had with their mums. And now she was pregnant, it just highlighted the fact that she didn’t have this with her mum. She would never have that mother-daughter best-friend relationship – and that hurt more than anything.

But she couldn’t go through what she did before when the anxiety got too much. It took over her life and caused so many problems both in her relationship and at work. She was determined not to let that happen again. She just needed to focus.

Thankfully Alice had taken her silence as thoughtfulness and was giving her a few minutes. Imogen leant over and turned the volume dial on the music up a little, letting the song wash over her. She didn’t recognise the song but the heavy guitar solo was too much for her brain, it made her feel erratic and stressed. She flicked the button and selected the next station. A gentle, but upbeat song was playing and she instantly felt a little lighter. She left it playing and leant her head on the headrest of her chair, closing her eyes and steadying her breathing. She could do this. She just needed to take things one step at a time. Get through the here and now and she could sort the mum issue out when she felt stronger.

She felt Alice’s hand again on hers and she wrapped her fingers around hers, taking comfort in knowing she’d always have her Alice.

*****

‘I can’t believe how busy this place gets.’ Ellie turned the dishwasher on for another cycle and began to stack away the plates she had just unloaded. ‘I mean, seriously, when do you get a chance to have a cuppa yourself?’

Zoe laughed. ‘Don’t be silly. I am here to make other people tea and coffee, not drink it myself.’ She was busy plating up a panini and slid the plate along to the serving hatch, already pulling out some bread for the next order.

‘Is it always this manic?’

‘On a Saturday at lunchtime, yeah.’

‘That’s crazy.’ Ellie closed the cupboard and wiped the tops with antibacterial spray. ‘I mean, it’s great and all, but it’s crazy!’

‘What can I say? People love my sandwiches.’ Zoe was a total natural at working, constantly moving her hands and running here and there, but looking as cool and calm as a cucumber as she did so.

‘You were always good in the kitchen, to be fair. Me, I couldn’t boil an egg without ruining it. Remember that time I was making cheese on toast for us all because Mum said it was about time I started doing the lunch and I totally forgot about it and started watching that model programme?’

‘Oh God, you nearly burnt down the house!’

Ellie laughed fondly. ‘I know! But she never asked me to do lunch again – winning!’ she sang.

‘Well,’ Zoe said as she slid a plate of salad and some prawns towards her sister. ‘You’d better learn some basics fast, sis, because you’re not staying here rent-free without lifting a finger. Prawn and avocado salad on there, please.’

Ellie looked at the ingredients in front to her. ‘Prawn and avocado salad,’ she repeated, almost to herself, nodding. ‘Fair enough, no cooking required – I can do that.’

‘Of course you can. Stop always putting yourself down.’ Zoe threw a tea towel at her.

‘Well, when you’ve grown up with Little Miss Perfect over there it’s hard to stand out.’

‘Oh believe me, Els, you stand out all right.’ Zoe chopped some lettuce and said, almost under her breath, ‘And Miss Perfect, I ain’t!’

Two hours later and they finally got to take a five-minute break. Ellie slumped into a chair and sipped at her tea. ‘Oh, my goodness, this is pure heaven. How do you do that every day?’

‘Well, to be fair, it isn’t that crazy every second of every day. Saturdays are busy. That’s just the way things are in a café. Although, saying that, I am very lucky, we do get a steady stream of customers in every day. There are quieter periods during the week, but generally, it’s doing okay.’

‘You’ve really made this work. You’ve done so well.’ She felt a smile of pride sneak over her lips.

‘Thanks, sis. It hasn’t been easy, but I got there in the end. Dad was brilliant with helping me start up and, I have to give him his due, he’s always been around ever since.’

Zoe knew what she was doing. ‘Yeah, thanks for rubbing it in.’ She felt a surge of annoyance at the mention of her dad. Everyone knew that he worshipped Zoe and his princess could do no wrong. Ellie couldn’t do anything right when it came to her father. Not that she cared what he thought.

‘Oh, be quiet! I’m not rubbing it in. I’m just saying, he’s not as bad as you like to make out he is.’

‘Zoe, the man couldn’t give two shits about me. As far as he is concerned, he only has one daughter.’

‘That’s not true and you know it!’ Zoe’s voice was stern, but she wasn’t angry.

‘Of course it is. When Mum died, all he cared about was making sure you were okay. He wasn’t interested in what I had to say.’ She tried not to let the jealousy show, but she could feel the feelings from her childhood rear their ugly heads. She tried to push them back down into the box she kept them tightly locked in.

‘Ellie, that’s because you didn’t have anything you wanted to say. You were so hell-bent on self-destruction that you didn’t even talk to any of us. Dad had a hard time too.’

‘I spoke to you, didn’t I?’ She could feel the emotion already creeping up her throat, making it feel sticky and restricted.

‘Yeah, only because you had no choice.’

‘No, because you made time for me. He didn’t even care.’

‘Come on, you’re being silly. Stop making yourself the victim all the time. It was a hard time for us all. You can’t hold that against him for the rest of his life. You’re being selfish. Are you telling me that you would rather stay stubborn and have no parents than make amends and make the most of the parent you do still have?’ Zoe had leant forward now into Ellie’s face, making her argument more prominent.

Ellie stood up as a bolt of frustration shot through her body. ‘Are we really having this conversation? I came here because I wanted help from my sister, not because I wanted the third degree about why my dad doesn’t care about me.’ She stormed towards the kitchen door that led out to the back of the café shop.

‘Oh, for goodness sake, he does care about you.’ She threw her hands up. ‘Where are you going?’

‘Out.’ And she slammed the door behind her as she left. She had no idea where she was going to go, but she needed to go somewhere. There was no way she was going to cry over something as silly as her dad.

*****

‘Okay, this is it. Are you ready?’

Imogen smiled at Alice as she nodded. ‘As ready as I’ll ever be.’

She had spent the remainder of the car journey calming herself, using various techniques she had learnt previously to deal with her anxiety. Thankfully it hadn’t developed into anything she couldn’t handle. She put it down to the additional hormones that were whizzing around her body at the moment. Her poor body had been through so much recently, what with all the testing and medical interventions, it was no wonder she felt a bit alien to it.

They exited the car and made their way to the front door of Alice’s parents’ house. It was a beautiful detached bungalow with the most adorable little front garden. Whilst the front of the house was fairly close to the country lane it was built on, the back garden more than made up for it, stretching back as far as Imogen could see, reaching the woods that lay beyond. Alice’s parents took pride in their bungalow and this was clear to see from the well-kept gardens and immaculate furnishings within. Imogen remembered the first time she had been here years ago. Stunned by the modern refurbishment Alice’s parents had undertaken shortly after they’d moved in, the bungalow felt fresh, bright and free-flowing. Having downsized after Alice and her brother moved out, her parents had bought a smaller home, but had completely gutted it and transformed it into what they wanted. They had even built an annexe in the garden for when their children came to stay. Whilst Alice and Imogen only lived half an hour down the road, Alice’s brother had moved abroad and so, when he came to stay with his family, they were able to have some privacy but be close to their parents. It was the loving family that Imogen has always wished for, but had never really had. Even more reason to make sure her baby would have the upbringing she didn’t and Alice was more than up for the job.

Imogen felt nervous, but more of an excited nervousness. Alice parents were lovely and they totally embraced them and their relationship. The girls could be themselves whenever they were round there and it was like a breath of fresh air.

Alice rang the doorbell and bounced on her feet excitedly. ‘Here goes.’ She gave a little squeal to emphasise her excitement.

‘Alice, Imogen, come in!’ Alice’s mum was tall and slender and she had the most beautiful long, chestnut hair, which she always wore in a plait. Older than Imogen’s parents, Alice’s parents were both retired and having run their own business for many years, were in a very good financial position. She ushered the girls in and greeted them both with a hug and a kiss. ‘Your father is in the garden sparking up the barbecue.’

‘Oh nice! You should’ve said you were going to do a barbecue, we would’ve brought some food with us.’