The Secret Of Us

Maggie, quite amazingly, had never been dumped. Somehow, she had managed to avoid having her head on the chopping block in all of her relationships.

I suspected it might have been a simple case of timing in several cases, but I also knew Maggie well enough to know that she seemed to avoid getting too close to people.

Mostly men.

Which would translate itself into a need to jump ship from even the most promising relationships for fear that they might demand too much of her emotionally and leave her vulnerable.

Maggie didn’t do vulnerable.

Maggie did fierce.

Which was exactly what I had tried to be the night before; and I’d done a pretty good job of it, I thought proudly. Still, though, I felt strangely unsettled.

“I’ve always wondered where all those magically wrapped knives and forks came from. I thought maybe there were little elves that did it,” a voice said behind me, ripping me out of my reverie.

I whipped around to face Matt, who was smiling widely at me.

Smiling.

Why was he smiling like that, when I’d dumped a drink in his face the last time I’d seen him? And why hadn’t he insisted on having me fired?

He looked like a little boy, so mischievous and bright was his grin. He was obviously completely oblivious to how unnerved I was by his presence, not to mention his proximity. There was hardly space between us to allow any semblance of propriety, so I took a step back. I felt like I could barely breathe.

“The elves are on vacation this week,” I said, trying to squelch my urge to run.

I had no idea where the words came from, since I was feeling in no way witty. Quite the opposite, actually. I was trembling inside, a roiling mix of anger, confusion, and… love?

Was that what that was?

Did part of me still love him?

I hadn’t really taken the time to examine whether or not I still had feelings for Matt, since I’d not really considered the possibility of ever seeing him again.

Yes, in the beginning, I had gone through all of the scenarios in my head – what I would do, what I would say, what I would be wearing. How he would react.

Sometimes, in those imagined scenarios, he would watch in quiet awe as I confronted him, stunning and strong and completely over him.

Sometimes he would tearfully plead and beg forgiveness from his knees as I towered above him, stunning and strong and completely over him.

Sometimes we saw one another from across a crowded room and ran breathlessly to each other’s arms, and our fairy tale love would erase all the past hurts.

Whatever direction my imagination took me, though, it had never resembled anything like this. Matt acted as though we had never met before last night, and I had no explanation for that. I had no idea how to respond to that. Now, after I had finally stopped exploring the feelings and the possibilities, I was being catapulted into what felt like an alternate universe.

“Well, you seem to be taking up the slack quite nicely,” Matt replied, indicating the carefully rolled pile of silverware resting on the bar beside me.

His eyes sparkled and danced under the warm lighting of the restaurant. The room, which generally seemed to have an air of cozy intimacy and warmth, now seemed overheated and claustrophobic.

Had I not been determined to be brave, I would have made some excuse about needing to use the ladies’ room and gone in there to hide. Instead, I decided to make an excuse about needing to get into the kitchen to get ready for my shift.

Somehow, hiding out in the kitchen seemed like the more grown-up thing to do.

Plus, there was an endless array of options in sharp objects with which to slit my wrists.

Not to mention the well-stocked liquor cabinet.

“What do you want?” I asked wearily. “After last night, I’m surprised you’re not at all worried about the possibility that I might throw another drink in your face. I realize I owe you a thank you for not having me fired, I suppose that does show you have some shred of decency in you. So, as lovely as it is to see you again, I really could do without this. And, in case you haven’t noticed, I’m at work. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go talk to the chef about some things on the menu today.”

I stepped forward, hoping he would take my not-so-subtle hint and allow me to pass.

Maybe, just maybe, he would go away and let me get back to the satisfied glow of last night’s surge of chutzpah.

“Lovely, huh? I was hoping more for exciting, but I guess I could settle for lovely.” He flashed a huge grin, then replaced it with a more sober look of contrition. “Seriously, though, I actually came to find out exactly why you felt a need to throw a drink in my face.” He shook his head sadly. “I can see why Charles might have deserved it. When he’s having a bad day, he has a terrible habit of letting everyone know it, and he was definitely having a bad day. Still, it’s no excuse, and it’s one of the things that I’ve had to call him on more than a few times. But as much of an ass as he can be, Charles really does have his good points – even if they aren’t always readily apparent.”

He paused, leveled his gaze at me.

“But me? What did I do? I’ve never even met you, yet you seem to have quite an impressive level of contempt for me.” Matt paused and cocked his head questioningly. “Ever thought that maybe I’m not who you think I am? That maybe, you might have me confused with someone else?”

I realized I was staring at him, almost mesmerized. It had been so long since I’d seen his face, heard his voice. I was still having difficulty processing his presence, wondering if seeing him this way would become a regular occurrence and how it would affect me.

I blinked my eyes, forcing my gaze from his face as my brain suddenly processed his words.

Not who I thought he was? Just how stupid did he think I was?

“You’re amazing, you know that? Truly amazing. You break up with me – after proposing, no less – without telling me why, and never return any of my calls. And three years later, you pop up where I work and expect me to believe you’re someone else?” I shook my head in awe. “You must think I’m a complete idiot.”

I reached past Matt to grab a fistful of the silverware.

“Leave. Now. I appreciate that you didn’t try to get me fired, but I don’t think I owe you anything.” I turned, taking a step in the direction of the kitchen, a safe haven within my line of vision.

“Wait!” Matt called after me. “Please.”

His voice had a plaintive tone.

Part of me wanted to keep on walking, pretend I hadn’t heard him or was too busy to stop. To leave him standing there and walk away while I still felt like I was in control. But the small part of me that still loved him kept me in thrall, and I looked back over my shoulder.

His head tilted slightly, and his eyes twinkled under the lights. It was the way he used to look at me, so long ago. A look that had always made my heart skip a beat and my breath catch.

And then a shadow passed over his face and his eyes.

Just as suddenly as it had come, the look was gone, replaced by one of confusion.

I shook my head and turned away again, leaving him to watch me walk away.

“Don’t!” My whisper may have been a bit loud, but that was only because I was trying to make sure that Matt could hear me above the din of the restaurant. It still qualified as a whisper, in my book.

“What? Come on, they’ll never notice.”

“I know your mama taught you better than that,” I shot back, still in loud whisper mode. I darted my eyes around guiltily. “They’re going to catch you, and then we’ll never be able to show our faces in here again.”