The Secret Of Us

“You’ll see,” he said simply, grinning wildly as he darted his truck in between the gathering afternoon traffic.

“Why won’t you just tell me and put me out of my misery?”

“And spoil the surprise? Uh uh.” He slowed suddenly as we approached a turning lane and flicked his turning signal to life.

“This is a car wash,” I said, stating the obvious as we pulled into the parking lot of an automatic car wash. “Didn’t you just wash the truck yesterday?” I looked at him inquisitively. I knew the man was a bit anal about keeping the exterior of his beloved little blue truck gleaming, but this was a whole new level I’d never seen before. It hadn’t rained, and from what I’d seen, there was hardly a speck of dirt anywhere.

“Yes, but that was different.” He snuck a quick peek at my face. “Don’t look at me like that. I can explain,” he said. “When I was little, my dad would take me to the car wash, and we’d sit in the car and watch all the wired brushes and sponges whipping around and covering everything in soapy bubbles. We had a rule that we had to hold our breaths for as long as we could–otherwise we’d drown. Winner got an ice cream,” Matt continued, his voice far off as he remembered those happy moments of his childhood. He’d never told me this one, and I felt as though he was letting me just a little farther into his heart. “I always won,” he said with a smile.

“So what do you think?” I asked Maggie three hours later, when we were sitting on her couch. The restaurant was closed for the night, and she’d called me to insist that I come over and enlighten her on the evening’s events.

As her employee and as her friend, I knew I owed her that much.

For the first half hour I’d been there, I’d talked about anything and everything except the man who has inspired such uncharacteristic behavior in me – but I couldn’t dodge her questions any longer.

Not that I really cared by that point.

There were too many questions all swirling around in my head for me to sort out, and I needed some outside input. I was hoping that maybe Maggie could help inject a dose of reality into everything, help me make sense of it all.

Or at least commiserate with me and come up some interesting scenarios to entertain my overworked brain.

“Eee,” Maggie said, calling me by the nickname she’d given me. “As your boss, I should be pissed and fire you for lack of professionalism,” she intoned, playing with the empty coffee mug in her lap.

“But as a woman,” Maggie leveled her gaze at me soberly, then broke out into a wicked grin, “as a woman, I want to give you a high five and tell you how much you rock. And you do,” she continued, her smile deepening, accentuating her dimples. “The guy deserved everything you gave him. More, actually. He broke your engagement and didn’t have balls enough to really talk to you about any of it. He just up and disappeared like that,” she finished, snapping her fingers. The sound seemed harsh in the otherwise quiet room.

“He’s a total coward, and you were way too easy on him, if you want to know my honest opinion. I think if it was me, I’d have castrated him.”

“You know, he didn’t start out that way,” I said, sounding more than slightly defensive. “In the beginning, Matt really was a wonderfully guy,” I stopped, registering the words that had just come out of my mouth.

Wait a minute. Was I defending him or me?

I met Maggie’s stare and shrugged sheepishly.

“I know, I know. Was. I’m going to shut up now and try to be satisfied with the fact that I got the last word.”

I was silent for a moment, relishing the memory of Matt with Scotch dripping off his chin.

“This whole thing is just so… I don’t know. It’s a whole new level of cruelty that I really didn’t think he was capable of.”

Was I babbling?

Maggie raised an eyebrow. “And you know this because you know him so well.”

I looked at my hands, feeling a little like I’d been slapped.

“I thought I did,” I said quietly.

“That was unnecessary, even for me. I’m sorry, Eee,” Maggie said, sounding more apologetic than I’d ever heard her. The pain must have been written plainly across my face.

“On the upside, though, after you left, he really didn’t seem to want me to fire you or put you on probation or anything.” She shook her head in mild confusion. “His friend, though. Wow. That guy was hot for me to chew you out. He was practically foaming at the mouth, insisting that his brother-in-law was a lawyer, and he could sue you so hard your children’s children would still be paying him. Matt had to calm him down and talk him out of it, but they didn’t stick around long after your grand gesture.” She smiled at the memory.

I gave her a shaky smile of my own, one that probably resembled something closer to a grimace.

“Well. Thanks for understanding, Mags, and for letting me keep my job. I’m just glad it’s over now, and I never have to see him again. It’s fine. I’m fine. It’s aaaall fine,” I said flatly, drawing out the word longer than necessary.

“Uh huh.”

I sighed and buried my head in one of the throw pillows.

“How did my life turn out like this?” I wailed into the cushion.

It might have been a little hard to understand, what with the stuffing and all, but Maggie seemed to translate just fine.

“Honey, when men are involved, nothing is ever simple,” she soothed, gently rubbing my back. “Once you realize that, things become so much clearer.”

I removed my face from the pillow and looked at her.

“I should have known better than to ask a thrice divorced woman for advice on men,” I said soberly.

“Oh, stop it, you,” she shot back, laughing. “I may actually be somewhat of an expert by now. After all, what better way to learn things than through mistakes? Now I just know better what to do for the next time.”

“Next time?” I asked incredulously. “You mean there’s going to be a next time?” I paused and peered at her suspiciously. “Is there something you’re not telling me? I know you’ve been seeing some mysterious man, but have things gotten serious between you two? Or have you got a man holed up in here that I didn’t know about?”

I made a show of looking around the room for signs of another person. “Oh, Lover! Come out, come out, wherever you are!”

We both started to laugh, the tension in the room lessening noticeably. I was well aware that Maggie wouldn’t be able to give me the answers I still wanted, even after all these years, but talking to her seemed to lessen the load my mind was trying to shift into some sort of order. The only one that would be able to clear all of this up was Matt, and I knew that I would never get those answers from him.

But did I truly want to stir all of that up again? I’d worked so hard to move on and rebuild my life after Matt’s disappearance, and now I was thinking about dredging all of it up again, opening up old wounds. Allowing him access to the parts of myself that I had so tightly closed off from most people.

Would he take that power and abuse it?

Would I end up with closure, or simply left with even deeper wounds?

Chapter Eight (#ulink_eafb0ed5-cc42-5d13-a07f-099e51dd2612)

I added the last tightly-rolled bundle of linen-wrapped silverware to the pile and let out a sigh.

I could tell it was going to be a long day. I’d just gotten to work, and I was already ready to go home.

As much as I enjoyed my job, the previous day’s events had completely upended me.

As naïve as it might have sounded, I hadn’t considered the possibility of encountering Matt again. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that so much time had passed – maybe I’d become complacent.

He had become part of another lifetime.

The idea of ever looking up to see Matt sitting at one of my tables had never even occurred to me, so it was a sucker punch to the gut. I’d tried to explain it to Maggie, but I wasn’t sure she quite understood. She seemed used to running across her exes, as though it was a regular experience for her.

And maybe it was – she had quite the growing list to pick from, a seemingly endless catalogue of men she’d cast aside.