Fruits of Culture

Petrístchef comes running downstairs, and takes out a cigarette.

PETRÍSTCHEF [deep in thought] Let's see, my second is the same as my first. Echo, a-co, co-coa. [Enter Koko Klíngen, wearing his pince-nez] Ko-ko, co-coa. Cocoa tin, where do you spring from?

KOKO KLÍNGEN. From the Stcherbákofs. You are always playing the fool …

PETRÍSTCHEF. No, listen to my charade. My first is the same as my second, my third may be cracked, my whole is like your pate.

KOKO KLÍNGEN. I give it up. I've no time.

PETRÍSTCHEF. Where else are you going?

KOKO KLÍNGEN. Where? Of course to the Ívins, to practise for the concert. Then to the Shoúbins, and then to the rehearsal. You'll be there too, won't you?

PETRÍSTCHEF. Most certainly. At the re-her-Sall and also at the re-her-Sarah. Why, at first I was a savage, and now I am both a savage and a general.

KOKO KLÍNGEN. How did yesterday's séance go off?

PETRÍSTCHEF. Screamingly funny! There was a peasant, and above all, it was all in the dark. Vovo cried like an infant, the Professor defined, and Márya Vasílevna refined. Such a lark! You ought to have been there.

KOKO KLÍNGEN. I'm afraid, mon cher. You have a way of getting off with a jest, but I always feel that if I say a word, they'll construe it into a proposal. Et ça ne m'arrange pas du tout, du tout. Mais du tout, du tout![18 - And that won't suit me at all, at all! Not at all, at all!]

PETRÍSTCHEF. Instead of a proposal, make a proposition, and receive a sentence! Well, I shall go in to Vovo's. If you'll call for me, we can go to the re-her-Sarah together.

KOKO KLÍNGEN. I can't think how you can be friends with such a fool. He is so stupid, – a regular blockhead!

PETRÍSTCHEF. And I am fond of him. I love Vovo, but … “with a love so strange, ne'er towards him the path untrod shall be” … [Exit into Vovo's room].

Betsy comes down with a Lady. Koko bows significantly to Betsy.

BETSY [shaking Koko's hand without turning towards him. To Lady] You are acquainted?

LADY. No.

BETSY. Baron Klíngen… Why were you not here last night?

KOKO KLÍNGEN. I could not come, I was engaged.

BETSY. What a pity, it was so interesting! [Laughs] You should have seen what manifestations we had! Well, how is our charade getting on?

KOKO KLÍNGEN. Oh, the verses for mon second are ready. Nick composed the verses, and I the music.

BETSY. What are they? What are they? Do tell me!

KOKO KLÍNGEN. Wait a minute; how does it go?.. Oh, the knight sings:

“Oh, naught so beautiful as nature:
The Nautilus sails by.
Oh, naughty lass, oh, naughty lass!
Oh, nought, oh nought! Oh fie!”

LADY. I see, my second is “nought,” and what is my first?

KOKO KLÍNGEN. My first is Aero, the name of a girl savage.

BETSY. Aero, you see, is a savage who wished to devour the object of her love. [Laughs] She goes about lamenting, and sings —

“My appetite,”

KOKO KLÍNGEN [interrupts] —

“How can I fight,” …

BETSY [chimes in] —

“Some one to chew I long.
I seeking go …”

KOKO KLÍNGEN —

“But even so …”

BETSY —

“No one to chew can find.”

KOKO KLÍNGEN —

“A raft sails by,”

BETSY —

“It cometh nigh;
Two generals upon it …”

KOKO KLÍNGEN —

“Two generals are we:
By fate's hard decree,
To this island we flee.”

And then, the refrain —

“By fate's hard decree,
To this island we flee.”

LADY. Charmant!

BETSY. But just think how silly!