Raising Girls: Why girls are different – and how to help them grow up happy and confident

climb trees

mess around in mud

unpack the saucepan cupboard

experiment with glue

handle scissors

stand at the stove and cook something for themselves…

But these are all things that children actually should do.

Other children have no barriers, and they lose their orientation. When everything is allowed, children become deeply uncertain. Saying no to your daughter when she’d like to watch television or have a certain T-shirt doesn’t hurt. On the contrary. You might say no to playing with her if you’re weary and exhausted and need a break. Explain to her why you can’t play with her just now and when you will have time to. But remember, you should also accept a no from your daughter if she does not wish to put on the red jumper or to play the flute for her aunt.

Try to be a family where no-one has to bend themselves out of shape to fit in with someone else. Everyone should be able to decide things for themselves.

Set a good example

Living with children means that you must constantly ask yourself, ‘What’s really important for me?’ If you can answer this question, if you know your values and benchmarks, you can set priorities. This has an effect on your entire life, but especially on your family life.

What are your values?

To help you answer this question, here are a few more to get you thinking:

Which is more important to you, financial independence or good relationships with others?

Do you pursue your own dreams or tend to adhere to social conventions?

If you had to compile your own ‘Ten Family Commandments’, what would they be?

What types of memories do you want to look back on when you are old?

How would you like to be remembered by others, including your children?

When my husband and I asked the participants in a seminar for couples to list their life values and compare them with their partners’, there was a commotion. Even people who live with each other often have different values. And there are typical male and female values. Do not criticise your partner if your values seem very different – just seek out the common values. Talk about what a particular value means for you and listen to each other, without judging. If you both listed humour, you’re already on track!

Your children judge you according to the example you set. You will not be credible if you are a chain smoker and yet demand that they maintain a health-conscious lifestyle. And if you like to play with your children, you won’t have to explain that joy in living is important to you; your children will know that!

Honesty is a quality that adults often demand from their children but don’t demonstrate themselves. Examine your conscience – when have you lied, and in what situations have you disowned your convictions? Your children will want to speak to you about this one day. In the wonderful book, Racism Explained to my Daughter, Tahar Ben Jelloun explains his values to his ten-year-old daughter, Meriem. Jelloun, a French writer of Moroccan descent, responds to his daughter’s queries about racism at a time when European nations were exploring how to absorb – or not – people from their former colonies. Jelloun examines the social, political, economic, and psychological aspects of racism, touching on discrimination, religion, genetics, stereotyping, immigration and xenophobia. What he is really talking about is values. The book is easy to read and has been translated into more than a dozen languages. I strongly recommend it to all parents.

As long as you have children asking you questions, you will be challenged to reflect on your life and values. That in itself is important. Even if you hold a view on a particular issue that is completely different from your daughter’s, she will remember the conversation the two of you had about it all her life, if you treat her with dignity and respect. And though she disagrees with you today, it doesn’t mean she won’t agree with you in five years.

Be a good role model

I repeat, children need role models, people who set an example for them. How do you speak about others? Is your boss ‘an idiot’, your neighbour ‘a jerk’, the driver in front of you ‘a moron’?

Observe yourself and be honest with yourself and your children, and that’s how they will be.

A person who honestly expresses an opinion and stands up for their personal truth will always be respected.

A role model in action

Once, before my husband and I had children, a friend visited us unannounced, with his daughter, Anne. This was in the 1970s, before punks. Anne was wearing a shredded, ‘graffitied’ pair of jeans and a provocative top, and had brightly dyed hair – and probably a dog-collar as well, I don’t really remember. Her father treated her with dignity and respect throughout the visit, though I knew that her appearance was not something he much liked. I admired him tremendously for this. Without saying anything, he clearly showed us all what tolerance is.

Eating with pleasure

Eating often becomes a tricky family issue. That’s why I think it’s important to give young parents hints on it.

Isn’t it remarkable, in the truest sense of the word, that in our muddle-headed, mechanised world, it is our natural needs – such as eating, sleeping and sexuality – that give us so much trouble? Shouldn’t it make us stop and think when, in a world of such surplus, so many people have an unhealthy diet and suffer from vitamin and mineral deficiencies? And why is it almost always girls who have eating disorders and are dissatisfied with their bodies in puberty? How does this all start – and how can we as parents stand by our daughters and help them?

The best nourishment in the first few months of any child’s life is mother’s milk. It is the food that was designed for us, and there is no equal alternative. From about the sixth month, children should also start eating some solids – carrot purée, for example. Then, once your child can sit in her own high chair with you at the table, you should start thinking about joint meals.

An important part of the ‘culture’ of every family is food – who cooks when, and with what ingredients. Of course you will have your own thoughts about this, but for the sake of the health of your child(ren), a couple of points are worth bearing in mind. Processed baby food cannot compete with freshly cooked vegetables in terms of nutrients – but then again, not all fresh vegetables are equally nutritious. Do you know if organic veggies are available close to where you live? Have you considered buying them? What about organic meat, and free-range eggs? Freshly prepared cereal, vegetables and fruit are the best food you can offer your child. Organic foods like these are grown naturally, free of chemicals and pesticides – whose long-term side effects are still not fully known – as well as genetic modification. This is the way the earth intended us to enjoy its produce. If, from the beginning, you avoid giving your daughter sugar (in the form of lollies, biscuits or fizzy drinks, for instance), you’ll be doing a lot for her nutrition – and her teeth.

Moreover, this way you’ll have your child eating almost everything you offer her. If she doesn’t like a certain type of vegetable, don’t be concerned. As long as your daughter hasn’t got to know sugar and other processed foods (see below), she will choose what she needs out of the range of things you offer her. And remember, a healthy child also helps make her parents happy!

Limiting sweets

If you do not stock unhealthy foods in your home, no problems can arise. When your child comes into contact with sweets, stabilisers, emulsifiers and other harmful substances – in school, perhaps, or at friends’ houses – she will be less vulnerable to such offerings if you’ve already laid the basis for good nutrition.

Parents have often disputed this with me, saying that their child will in fact go to neighbours’ or friends’ places to lay into the sweets there. First, if your child is still a toddler, she won’t be going to a neighbour’s house on her own, and will never be left alone there. So there is no reason why the adults there can’t monitor what she eats. And if, when she’s a bit older, she does eat sweets at her friends’ homes, don’t make a drama out of it. You’ve done your best, and that’s enough – because that’s all you can do. Anyway, if you look at the amount of sweet food your child eats in situations like this, it will almost always be the case that she eats less than her friend does. Children raised to eat healthy food do not, generally, choose to eat a lot of unhealthy food even when it is available.

When your child is in childcare or school, as well as giving her food to take with her, you can talk to the centre’s staff and to other parents and ask for healthy food to be provided there. You may be successful with this. If you cannot get the centre or school to agree, at least you’ve shown your daughter how important healthy nutrition is to you. That helps her. And remember how important it is that your child knows your opinion, and sees that you know how to lead a happy life while following your own convictions.

How much food is enough?

Don’t be too worried about whether your child eats too little or too much. A healthy child eats exactly as much as she needs. But note that this rule applies only if your child is fed an almost sugar-free diet. An excess of sugar leads to a desire for sweet things, and from there it’s a slippery slope to deficient nutrition.

Food and power

If your daughter feels that she has power over you through her eating habits, she will exploit it. She’ll say something like, ‘I’m not eating that.’ She knows that you care about this issue, and that her nutrition is very important to you, so she might think that you will immediately start to prepare something else for her. The result of this kind of exploitation is fairly common knowledge: processed food like fish fingers and tinned spaghetti will alternate on the table night after night, and if this sequence is broken even once, the little one will require serious persuasion to eat anything at all. Don’t go down that path!

She can help you cook

Cook with pleasure, delight and love, and involve your daughter in the cooking. As soon as she’s old enough, let her help choose what to cook, take her with you to the supermarket, help her learn to tell good-quality food from bad, and allow her to help you prepare meals. You can show a two-year-old daughter the proper use of a kitchen knife – as long as it’s very blunt! These sensory experiences increase her interest in food and her familiarity with the taste and texture of different foods, and help to develop her intelligence.

In the first few years, children learn only through sensory experience – imitation, touching, playing, sucking and exploring things with their whole bodies. When you allow your daughter to be part of such a sensory activity as food preparation, she will receive just the stimulation she needs. And if you think about it, preparing and consuming food engages all five senses – sight, sound, smell, touch and, of course, taste – like few other activities.

On the other hand, if your daughter experiences mainly tinned or frozen food, she might reasonably assume that milk comes from a carton and carrots come from a freezer!

If both you and your partner are working, try to cook with your daughter on weekends and shop beforehand. If you live in the city, you could drive to the country now and then and visit a farm, so your daughter can see how vegetables are grown and harvested.

Don’t be too concerned about whether your child is eating enough – every healthy child eats exactly as much as she needs

Mealtime behaviour

This is at least as important as your choice of food. Meals should take place in a friendly, peaceful atmosphere, if at all possible. Anything else is unhealthy. Don’t criticise your child or partner during meals together, and don’t argue. If problems need to be aired, go for a walk or sit in the living room and talk after the meal.