Raising Girls: Why girls are different – and how to help them grow up happy and confident

People react differently to a male baby than to a female one. And that’s quite normal, for there are of course differences. These are not only biologically conditioned but are based on social influences, expectations and premises – there has always been something like a girl culture or a culture of the feminine in all cultures and at all times. We can resist it, but never quite withdraw from it.

Only when, as parents, we become aware of which images and ideas of femininity we carry inside us, and which of these images are socially effective, can we take a critical look at them, perhaps argue about them and take new paths or turn back onto the well-established paths.

What do you want for your daughter? From what age is she to become a girl? How many months or years old will she be before she wears her first necklace? And when should her ears be pierced? Some parents have very definite ideas about this, and no-one will be able to dissuade them. Others have not thought about it at all, but probably carry unconscious notions around with them.

However, one thing should remain clear from the start: children are not putty in our hands. They belong to themselves and bring their own personality and unique ‘life’s work’ into the world. As their parents, we are lucky to be allowed to accompany them for a while. In order for this to be successful, it’s also important that we understand our roles as mother and father.

Each child is, in my eyes, a wonderful, unique gift. But individual differences notwithstanding, there are recognisable differences between the sexes. Women, for example, have more acute hearing than men and can better distinguish high tones – the frequencies that babies are known to use to cry. After just a week, female infants can distinguish their mother’s voice and the crying of another baby located in the same room, from other noises. Boys cannot do this.

(#litres_trial_promo) Moreover, women perceive visual detail better – a skill that is of great significance in a toddler’s environment.

These days, new research is revealing important differences between girls and boys, men and women. Are these biologically inherited or socially conditioned?

I believe that parents of a girl should pay special attention to their own internal images of girls. They should ask themselves, ‘What does it mean to me that it’s a girl?’

This is very important, as it can help parents avoid burdening the child and her future life with a hidden agenda, for example, by saying, ‘She should on no account become like my mother’ or, ‘She’s not allowed to become as pampered as my sister’ or, ‘She should assert herself.’ If parents are quite clear in their minds about their internal images, they can choose to stick with them or to distance themselves from them. Their daughter then has the opportunity to later rebel against this expectation, or to consciously assume the role.

Whether you have a boy or a girl, apart from wishing for children who are born healthy, it does seem to make a difference. The decisive questions we should ask ourselves are, what do we conclude from the sex of our child, and how do we deal with this?

Even today, the question of ‘boy or girl’ still plays a significant role in family planning all round the world:

According to surveys in Europe, more couples wish for a girl, not a boy, as their first child – maybe in the hope that daughters would be more likely to look after their ageing parents in later years.

In China, parents may only have one child – and most prefer to have a boy. Girls are undesirable, and are terminated in many cases. In India infanticide of girls is common.

What is your idea of a girl? Were you planning for a girl? If so, why? If not, how did you feel when a baby daughter suddenly entered your life? These are important questions that have a large bearing on how you view your task of raising a girl. Answer these questions and compare your opinions with that of your partner as well as some close friends. They relate to a very important issue: projection. By that, I don’t mean slide shows in the living room, but rather how we often project our own beliefs, attitudes and expectations on to others, often mistakenly. If you can become more aware of your ideas regarding these matters, you will be less likely to project your thoughts on to others, including your daughter.

If you find this exercise rewarding, try the following ‘Self-awareness questions for parents’ to really get you thinking!

Self-awareness questions for parents

Here are some questions for you to consider. They are about you as a child and you as a parent, and a few ask about your daughter. You might like to simply toss them around in your mind, or you might like to write your answers down for future reference (which I would recommend). If you write them down, do so somewhere safe and private. You and your child(ren)’s other parent should both answer the questions. Just ignore the gender words that don’t apply to you. When you have answered all the questions and developed a relatively clear profile of yourself and your own childhood, talk about these things with your daughter if she is old enough. This conversation is likely to stay with you for many years to come.

Then

When you were a girl/boy, what did you look like?

What were your favourite clothes?

What toys did you have? What games did you play?

What was your personality as a child?

What did you like about being a girl/boy?

What did you find difficult about being a girl/boy?

What were you not allowed to do as a girl/boy?

What duties and chores did you have?

Who were your role models?

What was your dream?

What did you often imagine?

Which insulting comments can you still remember?

On which occasions were you especially sad?

On which occasions were you especially excited or thrilled?

Now

In which situations do you behave like a typical female/male?

Which qualities do you particularly like in girls?

Which qualities do you particularly like in boys?

Which qualities do you particularly like in your daughter?

What do you wish for your daughter?

Which aspects of her life are you happy about?

I hope that Raising Girls provides you with concrete guidelines on how to approach your daughter’s upbringing. I have drawn on experiences with my own daughter, scientific findings and the experiences of parents derived from my own research and consulting work. I have thought of the little girl I once was, and all the girls and women I have known during my life.

Fathers and brothers also play a critical role in raising girls. The experiences a girl has with the male members of the family follow her all her life. A woman does not allow herself to be defined without a masculine counterpart (and, of course, the opposite also applies), just as there is no loud without soft, no light without dark and no large without small! And so there are no daughters without fathers, even when the latter – for whatever reason – live separately from their daughter and/or have completely broken off contact.

You have a girl – who has her own distinct personality – and it really matters to develop this gift in the true sense of the word. I would like to accompany you on this journey. My point is to emphasise dangers and to prevent them; but above all, I would like to reveal an excellent pathway to cooperation.

Apart from this, I would like this book to be a journey of discovery of your own roots and notions, during which you may recognise what opportunities the birth of a girl offers you personally.

Gisela Preuschoff

ONE WHY GIRLS ARE DIFFERENT (#ulink_eed6c60e-e3f3-5c46-91f5-f17c78dbd39d)

All parents worry about their children. They want to do their best and do everything properly – or at least avoid big mistakes. These days, most parents’ expectations of their son will be very similar to those they have of their daughter. They merely want their child to be strong – strong in the sense of being socially responsible, independent, somewhat assertive, clever and affectionate.

And they want their child to be able to handle all the tasks that she will confront in life.

We’re all individuals…

Long before a baby sees the light of day, a film is playing in the minds of the parents-to-be; they imagine what their life with the baby will be like, and they often have fixed ideas about the qualities a boy and a girl will have. This is completely normal – it is fun, and it increases their joy in their child.

While she was pregnant with a girl, one woman wrote in her diary, ‘I have the feeling that I could just pull the finished picture, which is a perfectly formed little figure inside me, out of a drawer. She has already been born, because my imagination has already shaped her; she’s a beautiful, strong, self-confident, lively and intelligent creature.’