Methodius Buslaev. Ticket to Bald Mountain

“Oh, how delightful! Doesn’t hurt anymore, does it? There won’t be any marks! I give a lifelong guarantee. Incidentally, I removed a couple of specks of cavities from your teeth, and relieved you of pimples, earwax, and dandruff! And of some other little things!” she bragged.

Eddy rushed to the mirror. A rather insolent, unshaven, but very healthy and contented face, which could belong as much to a marriage swindler as to a trumpeter of a provincial orchestra, stared at him from the mirror. The fairy was not joking. She had removed all the excess: the unhealthy blue under the eyes, the marks of Felix’s fist, and even the goofy birthmark on the right eyebrow. Standing by the mirror, Eddy hurriedly considered all the pluses of owning his own fairy. There was a sea of pluses, but, admittedly, also minuses. Eddy’s main minus was connected with those searching for the fairy. After thinking about this, he looked sideways at the phone, pondering whether to call 000-00-00, but this renegade thought did not linger longer than a second. To exchange a living and omnipotent fairy for some bagel holes! Dismiss it!

Khavron as a person belonged to the now widespread mercenary and cynical type; however, in his soul he was even slightly idealistic. True, if someone were to say something similar to him, Eddy most likely would turn around in disgust and start to protest.

“I won’t deliver you to anyone! You’re a treasure!” Eddy exclaimed.

Middlelina gave him an indulgent smile. “Thanks. I’ve already been told that. Although I have also heard the opposite. Especially from ungrateful rivals. They accuse me of all sorts of crimes.”

Khavron frowned. “I won’t say ‘you’re welcome’ to your ‘thanks’. But why are they looking for you?” he asked, checking.

“Dear giant!” the fairy said, burring nicely. “Remember this once and don’t repeat the mistake. If you did see the poster, it’s only because I wanted it…”

“Is what’s on the poster true?”

“It goes without saying. Illicit predictions of the future are half of the trouble. They would turn a blind eye to this for a long time if not for my other misdeed… I helped steal the artifact,” Middlelina said.

“That’s interesting. How did you do it?” Khavron asked.

The fairy glanced at him quickly and frowned. “One evening a little fellow muffled in a cloak came to me. I didn’t even make out his face. Something so small and insignificant. He brought a small sack of diamond dust and requested that a spell be cast on it. Diamond dust, you see, is a wonderful thing. The majority of artifacts are protected from teleportation and theft; however, if we sprinkle on them diamond dust, to which fairy magic is superimposed, an artifact can be taken away without much risk…”

“Typical setup! Why did you agree?”

Middlelina fluttered up and flew over to the window-sill. “I couldn’t refuse. Once long, long ago a wizard saved my life. I presented him with a ring and promised that I’d comply with any – even the most improbable – request of whoever would show it to me. And that evening my ring was returned to me and I was reminded of the promise in the form of an ultimatum.”

“But why didn’t you refuse?”

“You’re foolish! Magic promises can’t be broken! Even dark sorcerers are forced to keep their word if they’ve given it…” Middlelina replied with exasperation.

“Did he come to you? The one who saved you?”

The fairy shook her head so decisively that she almost lost her hat. “Nothing like that. He was much taller and wouldn’t begin to hide his face. But the ring was mine. I couldn’t take the oath back and cast the spell on the diamond dust. The little fellow turned without a sound and disappeared, hiding the sack with the dust under his cloak. A day passed, another day, then a week. Everything was quiet. I already began to calm down, when suddenly in the middle of the night there was a terrible commotion on Bald Mountain. Vampires, witches, werewolves, all sorts of other scum – everyone was rushing around as if scalded and gossiping like smooth grandmas, although no one really knew anything. Even corpses crawled out of the graves, although they had a rightful day off and it was not their night at all…”

“What, there are nights like this?” Eddy asked with superstitious horror.

Middlelina frowned. For her, the answer was too obvious. “Next morning, the bosses from Magciety of Jerky Magtion came in large numbers and started moving. The area where the Artifact Depository is located was immediately cordoned off. The night before, someone had infiltrated the depository, and it’s as confusing as a labyrinth. The placement of corridors and rooms changes each new moon. They assumed that the thief was still inside, because it’s impossible to teleport from the depository. Two groups of combat wizards and a guide entered the depository and rummaged through everything there. It goes without saying, they found no one. A hole gaped in the floor of the depository. Definite work of evil spirits. Only evil spirits could undermine the labyrinth in such a short time. All the artifacts were in place, except one…” the fairy knocked a new cigarette from the pack. Eddy thought that she was either terribly bothered or really smoked like a chimney.

“Baron, a flame! Ah, yes, I forgot!” she said and again used her fingernail.

“So, what did they steal?” Eddy, not liking long introductions, asked impatiently.

Keeping the smoke in her lungs, the fairy raised her eyebrows and made several zigzag movements with the cigarette. “I know that it’s some little thing unpretentious in appearance… Soon I heard that diamond dust was allegedly discovered at the crime scene. Not waiting until they figured out it was me – and this is easier than easy to do by the magic superimposed on the dust – I hid. I spent several days with a witch I know, but then the old lady got scared, and I ran to the moronoid world,” the fairy said.

“And it was impossible to remain? Well, explain to these lads from Magciety: you know, the oath and all that?” Eddy asked.

Middlelina let out smoke through her nostrils. “Possible, not possible, what’s the difference!” she replied nervously. “They don’t need an explanation, but the missing artifact. You watch, they’ll send the Clay Hound after me!”

“Is it so terrible? What’s the Clay Hound?”

“Oh, necromagic! No more, no less. Quickly mould a piece of clay, and saturate it with human and canine blood in a ratio of one to three. It doesn’t know fatigue. Possesses amazing sense of smell. Until the blood dries, it’ll follow the trail and lead to the thief even in the event that he teleports. When the Hound is very near, teleportation even becomes impossible. The very possibility is crossed out at the root. In short, it’s horrendously difficult to hide from the Hound!”

“But how will it pick up the trail?” Eddy asked thoughtlessly. He was never especially interested in dogs and only knew that it is not worthwhile to swing your arms in particular when you pass them on the street.

“How can you ask that! It’s simpler than simple!” the fairy threw up her hands. “Diamond dust with magic superimposed on it? My magic! I’m sure it’s already on my trail. Cursed clay! Sit here and be afraid! Dammit, I hate it!”

Continuing to flutter around the room, Middlelina almost slammed into Methodius’ childhood photo. Depressiac’s collar, lying on the bed once occupied by Daph, also did not escape her gaze. “Wow!” she exclaimed. “I wasn’t mistaken! Fun place! They won’t figure out any time soon that I might be HERE…”

Eddy wanted to clarify what she had in mind by “here” and what was so special in his little room on the outskirts of town, but did not. Lately, their home had seemed to him a very strange place now and then. Khavron felt this with that acuteness of a child who has not grown up.

“By the way,” the fairy continued. “Since I’ve settled here, there’s something I must confess. Are you ready for it?”

“Depends,” Eddy replied carefully.

“This! If you notice that I’ve changed abruptly, stopped recognizing you, threaten or try to hex you, don’t be disturbed or angry. The thing is, it won’t be me.”

“Why not angry?” Khavron did not understand. “Then I also want to warn you. If at some point I launch a hammer at you, make a hole with a drill, or accidentally pour boiling milk on your head, don’t be disturbed or stand up for your rights! It won’t be me.”

“You see, here’s the thing… It’s an unpleasant family secret, almost a skeleton in the closet,” Middlelina continued with embarrassment in her voice. “I had a twin sister. As painful as it is to say this, she wasn’t a very pleasant person in every respect. Fairies usually serve Light, she served Gloom. The lifespan of dark fairies is usually not long. As for how she met her end, I won’t tell you. If she wants, she’ll tell you herself…”

“What will she do?” Khavron asked again with superstitious fear. He was not too drawn to dealing with dead fairies.

Middlelina ignored his rejoinder. She was suffering. Her small hands creased the rim of her straw hat.

“For better or worse, a sister is a sister. I let her – later regretted it a hundred times – settle in my body for any third of a day of her choice. So, she still uses this right. I don’t know exactly what happens in those hours, when she borrows my consciousness, but I guess that it’s nothing particularly good. The body is always returned to me gorged and tired. I need to sleep it off, spending a good half of my sixteen hours on it. It turns out that, although only a third of a day belongs to her, in reality we’re equal, since I still need a third to sleep it off and generally tidy myself up!”

“Is there really something not right with you?” Eddy carelessly said.

“OF COURSE NOT!” the fairy soared up. “See what this glutton has turned me into! I hate her! Sometimes, in order that she could no longer get into anything, I’d eat two crumbs of a nut roll and drink a thimble of milk to spite her! But really, how do you make an impression on this pig? With her, everything’s like water off a duck’s back!”

Middlelina’s indignant face turned purple. Eddy listened patiently. He was already used to the fact that as soon as it comes to relatives, especially brothers and sisters, the most decent-looking people would start to gnaw the finish with their teeth.

“And what she can do at all! No diligence, no curiosity! Doesn’t know how to braid sun rays! Or stitch dew on eucalyptus leaves! Or transform tears into sea pearls! She’s only capable of predicting the future! Oh, she also knows combat magic very well! But it’s bad taste! A fairy, and suddenly a combat wizard arranging brawls in pubs!”

Eddy squinted sweetly, imagining to himself the tiny fairy, smashing the Queen of the Beach club with drunken eyes. “Would be good to send her there… Kind of like working out with a straw from the bar,” he thought.

“I understand, I understand. You have a terrible sister! I commiserate. I have a sister of my own, so you don’t have to tell me,” he said, trying to end the outpouring of family issues.

“Sister? What, also a crazy sorceress?” the fairy sympathized.

“Worse. She constantly searches for a man who can be chained with a wedding band on the finger. I don’t envy this poor fellow in advance.”

“A ring of celibacy?” the fairy asked with interest. “Your sister didn’t quarrel with powerful wizards, did she?”

“How would I know? I don’t think so,” Eddy said.

“And has she been searching for long?”

“Yes, as soon as she was divorced from Methodius’ papa, she has been searching… About ten years already, probably…”