Methodius Buslaev. Ticket to Bald Mountain

“What do you think? Does he not have money?” the fat man asked.

“Looks like it,” the redhead reluctantly said through his teeth. “The apartment is hopeless. No car, no computer, equipment is trash. Even if we clean out everything, it won’t run up to five hundred bucks… In short, the fellow is in deep.”

“Alright, sailor. You convinced me!” Felix said. “We believe you don’t have the money. We’ll give you three days to find the necessary sum. You get it – lucky you. You don’t get it – it’s on you. Today I hit you with one-third strength. Next time, three of us will hit together. And another thing, sailor, don’t even try to hide. If you do try, we…”

“Let me guess! Something like I’ll strongly regret it?” Khavron clarified by inquiring.

The fat man unstuck his massive backside from the chair. “Don’t be a smartass! I also see that you’re sharp,” he acknowledged.

The dour threesome marched past Methodius’ empty bed, also incidentally squinted without interest at his childhood photo, and flowed out onto the landing. “You, sailor, don’t relax too much! Or else you’ll be ugly!” the redhead said in farewell and made a crisscross motion with the knife, as if painting Eddy’s face.

Waiting until the door was closed, Khavron flung a sneaker at it and, propping up his head with his hands, put himself at the mercy of gloomy thoughts. Since Eddy had no prospects of getting money, his thoughts did not linger for long on this dead-end subject. They glided further, turning to the most abstract things.

“My mama must have looked at a zebra in the zoo while carrying me in her belly. Since then, my entire existence has been in stripes. Huge black and teensy-weensy white!” Eddy thought, leafing page after page through his life full of trouble.

Gradually he reached childhood, and in his memory, his nurse popped up as a bloated blue drowned man. Thin white lips with small dry cracks. Greyish short nose. Coarse thick hair on the chin. He moves every time she speaks. Here, his nurse grabs his arm painfully, pulling him to herself, takes off the dark glasses, and he sees terrible eyes without pupils.

“Aren’t the treasures of the Dnieper Rapids enough for me? Gold, weapons from dozens of shattered boats. The money that your parents paid me, I would make from mud. One day your life will bring you to a crossroad, and I’ll be there again! For the present, let your mother remove this dead bird!” the voice crackled softly. The toddler grows numb in soundless weeping. He vaguely feels that if he cries out, the witch’s dry fingers will close around his throat.

And again, although years had already passed, Eddy felt horror and the terrible dryness in his mouth. For decades, the old woman had become his nightmare.

“Pooh! Enough! Down with reminiscence! Everything in its own time. The time for tears and snot hasn’t come yet,” Eddy said to himself.

He shook his head and stood up, ready to go into the bathroom in order to immediately study his face. The face, having met Felix’s fist several times, began to grow suspiciously heavy. Eddy knew very well what this meant. Tomorrow morning he would only be able to leave home in dark glasses. The day after would be even worse: everything would be purple.

“Have to look at the bright side in everything. I’m lucky that I don’t do commercials,” Khavron muttered.

He was about to take a step towards the door, but at that moment a trickle of sand ran down from the ceiling onto his head. An astonished Eddy lifted his head, not understanding what this trick was, and barely had time to save his forehead from a small leather suitcase. The suitcase caught his chest, bounced, fell to the floor, and opened. Before glancing into it, the amazed Khavron stared at the ceiling. He expected to see a crack or a gap, but… nothing like that. The ceiling appeared so ordinary, like millions of other ceilings. At worst, a layer of plaster or a chandelier could fall from it, but definitely not a suitcase.

As a deeply materialistic person, Eddy hastily counted the options. “How did it get there? Aha! Methodius or Daphy had taped the suitcase to the ceiling. Why? Hmm, never know what nonsense gets into people’s heads… The suitcase is small, and the tape held it… But would tape stick to plaster? And then, where’s the tape now?” Eddy thought, getting more and more puzzled.

He squatted down and carefully peered into the suitcase. If the suitcase had been absolutely empty earlier (Eddy could have sworn a tooth in this, if not his own then someone else’s), then now a sheet of dense yellowish paper folded eight times lay on its bottom.

“Some kind of poster,” Khavron thought and automatically unfolded it.

ATTENTION: reward of 10,000 bagel holes.

The Bald Mountain maglice department (the intersection of Gallows Street and Two-Coffin Lane) is searching for a dangerous criminal.

Name: the fairy Middlelina.

Characteristics: height 9 cm, waist 7.5 cm. Never parts with her hat. Prone to irrepressible delight. Smokes Afghan cigarettes. Possesses skills of combat magic. Burns on finger tips. The sole surviving participant in the 1478 European Team Championship in Fatal Evil Eye.

Charges: participation in the theft of artifact and illicit predictions of the future, influencing its course.

She could have fled to the moronoid world. Rendering any assistance to the criminal is forbidden.

If you know anything, call the number 000-00-00 from any inoperative telephone or use the standard maglice summoning spell.

Eddy re-read the poster twice. It never came to his mind for a second that this could be anything more remarkable than a child’s scribble. “Who wrote this? Daphy? Or Mety? This is how everything begins. Anything at all, some amusement… About cigarettes there…” Eddy uttered in an undertone.

He had barely mentioned the cigarettes when someone coughed politely beside him. “Ah, what a nice young page! What a noble face, only a little stubble! Marvelous young man, do you have a light?” Eddy heard a quiet, husky voice.

He turned abruptly, but saw no one. “I imagined it,” he thought with dismay and, not keeping his balance, sat down heavily on the floor. More correctly, he almost sat, because the next moment, an unknown force had already tossed him into the air and hurled him to the sofa. Eddy lay patiently and waited until the image was restored before his eyes.

“You almost crushed me! Sitting in the presence of a lady is still okay. It’ll pass as necessity… But to sit on a lady is such bad taste that it isn’t allowed in polite society! What’s your excuse? Huh, what?” the voice said indignantly.

Eddy carefully slipped off the couch and, lying with his stomach on the floor, blankly examined his interlocutor. In appearance it was a very young, joyful, and energetic little lady – although who would undertake to determine the age of fairies? She was as tall as a ballpoint pen. On her head was a romantic looking straw hat. Behind her back were four wings, delicate, transparent, dragonfly-like, and in constant motion. The little lady held a fan in her hand. In the corner of her red lips was a cigarette inserted in a cigarette holder.

“Prince, I’m embarrassed! Why are you staring at me like a ram at the creation of non-Russian folklore? Better assist with a light. You see, the lady is in disarray,” the stranger said languidly.

“No light,” Khavron uttered with difficulty.

“Well, no light and no guillotine! Have to resort to magic, since everything is so run down!” the interlocutor sighed, easily lighting the cigarette with the touch of her fingernail.

“You’re the fairy Middlelina!” Eddy suddenly blurted out. At the same time, he wondered whether all these hallucinations about fairies were a direct result of Felix hitting him on the head.

The young lady was alarmed. Her wings began to flutter. Her hat dropped. Eddy saw the long dark hair caught with a gold ring. “I beg you, no more noise, prince! Magic and my name, uttered aloud! It’s enough to find out…”

“Find out what?”

“Shh! Not so loud! I’m not deaf! Why do you giants always yell this way? Trust me, the simplest words have much more power and meaning if you utter them in a whisper.”

“Huh? What?” Khavron did not understand.

Impatiently waving Eddy away, the stranger hastily folded her fan, turned it over, and – a magic wand ending in a crystal sphere appeared in her hands. Violet lightning intersected inside the sphere with a dry, unpleasant crackle.

“Magic wand-fan of five-hit action… No moronoid should touch the sphere, if, it goes without saying, becoming ashes isn’t in his plans… Shouldn’t even look again. But now a minute of patience, a carload of understanding, and I’ll shield the area!” the fairy warned.

She went around the room and alternately touched all the walls and the floor with her wand. Eddy heard a dry crackle. Only once did it seem to him that a transparent wall, delicate like muslin, merged with the main wall of the room. But most likely it was an optical illusion. The last was the ceiling’s turn. Fluttering her transparent wings, the fairy soared and touched it.

“Phew! Now I’m calm. If they didn’t spot me earlier, then I’m safe. Ah, overgrown duke? What do you think?” Middlelina asked, calmed down. Eddy silently swallowed the controversial title.

Fluttering all around, the fairy was suddenly interested in his face. “Well, dear man! How is it possible to be so careless to your face? You’re only given one. I’m surprised at you, man! Just what are you thinking? Is it really impossible to punch another place?”

“Apparently so,” Eddy muttered.

“Ah-ah-ah! Why such a prickly voice? Your mama should’ve loved you more in childhood, prince!”

“She loved me very much.”

“Trust me, I know better. Your mama loved your sister more. It’s noticeable from the small wrinkle slightly higher than the bridge of your nose. From the pattern on the retina of your left eye. And don’t argue with me, moronoid!”

“What did you call me?” Eddy asked inquisitively. He never missed an opportunity to supplement his rich dictionary of expletive vocabulary.

“Excuse me, prince! I forgot that you’re unenlightened. Chuck everything out of your head! Let me work on your face… I have a lot of experience. I was present several times during the production of mummies. You look slightly better, but so pale… You’re not a corpse by any chance, are you?”

Without resorting to the magic wand, the fairy touched Eddy’s face with a light palm. He felt a tingling sensation and the next moment, Middlelina was already sitting on the edge of the wardrobe dangling her legs as if nothing was the matter.