Augusta Triumphans. Or, the Way to Make London the Most Flourishing City in the Universe

Numberless are the instances I could produce, but they would be accounted fictitious, because I do not name the particular persons, for the reasons before assigned; but the sufferings of these poor ladies are not fictitious, nor are the villany of the madhouses, or the unnatural, though fashionable barbarity of husbands, chimeras, but too solid grievances, and manifest violations of the laws of God and man.

Most gracious and august queen Caroline! ornament of your sex, and pride of the British nation! the best of mothers, the best of wives, the best of women! Begin this auspicious reign with an action worthy your illustrious self, rescue your injured sex from this tyranny, nor let it be in the power of every brutal husband to cage and confine his wife at pleasure, a practice scarce heard of till of late years. Nip it in the bud, most gracious queen, and draw on yourself the blessings of numberless of the fair sex, now groaning under the severest and most unjust bondage. Restore them to their families; let them, by your means, enjoy light and liberty; that while they fondly embrace, and with tears of joy weep over their dear children, so long withheld from them, they may invoke accumulated blessings from heaven upon your royal head!

And you, ye fair illustrious circle! who adorn the British court! and every day surround our gracious queen: let generous pity inspire your souls, and move you to intercede with your noble consorts for redress in this injurious affair. Who can deny when you become suitors? and who knows but at your request a bill may be brought into the house to regulate these abuses? The cause is a noble and a common one, and ought to be espoused by every lady who would claim the least title to virtue or compassion. I am sure no honest member in either honourable house will be against so reasonable a bill; the business is for some public-spirited patriot to break the ice by bringing it into the house, and I dare lay my life it passes.

I must beg my reader's indulgence, being the most immethodical writer imaginable. It is true I lay down a scheme, but fancy is so fertile I often start fresh hints, and cannot but pursue them; pardon therefore, kind reader, my digressive way of writing, and let the subject, not the style or method, engage thy attention.

Return we, therefore, to complain of destructive gaming-houses, the bane of our youth, and ruin of our children and servants.

This is the most unprofitable evil upon earth, for it only tends to alienate the proper current of specie, to maintain a pack of idle sharping rascals, and beggar unwary gentlemen and traders.

I take the itch of gaming to be the most pernicious of vices, it is a kind of avaricious madness; and if people have not sense to command themselves by reason, they ought to be restrained by law; nor suffered to ruin themselves and families, to enrich a crew of sharpers.

There is no playing on the square with these villains; they are sure to cheat you, either by sleight of hand, confederacy, or false dice, &c.; they have so much the odds of their infatuated bubbles, that they might safely play a guinea to a shilling, and yet be sure of winning. This is but genteel pocket picking, or felony with another name, and yet, so fond are we of it, that from the footboy to the lord, all must have a touch of gaming; and there are sharpers of different stations and denominations, from Southwark-fair to the groom porters. Shame, that gentlemen should suffer every scoundrel to mix with them for gaming sake! And equal shame, that honest laborious tradesmen should be obstructed in crossing the public streets, by the gilt chariots of vagabond gamesters; who now infest the land, and brave even our nobility and gentry with their own money.

But the most barbarous part of this hellish trade is what they call setting of young gentlemen, apprentices, and others; this ought to be deemed felony without benefit of clergy; for it is the worst of thievery. Under pretence of taking a bottle, or spending an evening gaily, they draw their cull to the tavern, where they sit not long before the devil's bones or books are found accidentally on purpose, by the help of which they strip my gentleman in an instant, and then generously lend him his own money, to lose afresh, and create a debt which is but too often more justly paid than those more justly due.

If we look into some late bankruptcies we shall find some noted gamesters the principal creditors; I think, in such cases it would be but justice to make void the gamester's debt, and subject his estate to make good the deficiencies of the bankrupt's effects. If traders have no more wit, the public should have pity on them; and make it as penal to lose as to win; and, in truth, if cards, dice, &c., were totally suppressed, industry and arts would increase the more; gaming may make a man crafty, but not polite; one may understand cards and dice perfectly well, and be a blockhead in everything else.

I am sorry to see it so prevalent in the city among the trading part of mankind, who have introduced it into their clubs, and play so high of late that many bankrupts have been made by this pernicious practice.

It is the bane of all conversation; and those who can't sit an hour without gaming, should never go into a club to spoil company. In a word, it is mere madness, and a most stupid thing to hazard one's fortune, and perplex one's mind; nay, to sit up whole nights, poring over toys of pipped ivory and painted pasteboard, making ourselves worse than little children, whose innocent sports we so much ridicule.

To sum up all, I think it would be a noble retribution, to subject gamesters' estates to the use and support of the poor widows and orphans of their unfortunate bubbles.

Sunday debauches are abuses that call loud for amendment; it is in this pernicious soil the seeds of ruin are first sown. Instead of a day of rest, we make it a day of labour, by toiling in the devil's vineyard; and but too many surfeit themselves with the fruits of gluttony, drunkenness, and uncleanness.

Not that I am so superciliously strict, to have the sabbath kept as rigidly here as in Scotland, but then there ought to be a medium between the severity of a fast, and the riot of Saturnalia. Instead of a decent and cheerful solemnity, our taverns and publichouses have more business that day than all the week beside. Our apprentices plume themselves; nay, some scruple not to put on their swords and tie wigs, or toupees, and the loose end of the town is their rendezvous, Sunday being market-day all round the hundreds of Drury.

While we want servants to do our work, those hundreds, as they call them, are crowded with numbers of idle impudent sluts, who love sporting more than spinning, and inveigle our youth to their ruin; nay, many old lechers, beasts as they are! steal from their families, and seek these harlots' lurking holes, to practise their unaccountable schemes of new invented lewdnesses; some half hang themselves, others are whipped, some lie under a table and gnaw the bones that are thrown them, while others stand slaving among a parcel of drabs at a washing tub. Strange that the inclination should not die with the power, but that old fools should make themselves the prey and ridicule of a pack of strumpets!

Some heedless youths are wheedled into marriage, which makes them and their unhappy parents miserable all their lives; others are drawn into extravagancies, and but too often run into their master's cash, and for fear of a discovery, make away with themselves, or at least run away and leave their distracted parents in a thousand tears; not to mention the frustration of their fortune, and the miseries that attend a vagabond life. Thus honest parents lose their children, and traders their apprentices, and all from a liberty we have of late given our youth of rambling abroad on Sundays; for many, nowadays will lie out all night, or stay out so late to give no small disturbance in sober families. It therefore behoves every master of a family to have his servants under his eye; and if the going to church, meeting, or whatever place of worship suited their religion, were more enforced, it would be so much the better.

In short, the luxury of the age will be the ruin of the nation, if not prevented. We leave trade to game in stocks; we live above ourselves, and barter our ready money for trifles; tea and wine are all we seem anxious for, and God has given the blessings of life to an ungrateful people, who despise their own productions. Our very plough-fellows drink wine nowadays; our farmers, graziers, and butchers, are above malt liquors; and the wholesome breakfast of water-gruel and milk potage is changed for coffee and tea. This is the reason provisions and corn, &c., are so dear; we all work for vintners, and raise our prices one upon another to such a degree, it will be an impossibility to live, and we shall, of course, become our own devourers.

We strain at a gnat and swallow a camel; and, in this instance, the publichouses are kept open to furnish our luxury, while we deny ourselves other necessaries of life, out of a scruple of conscience. For example; in extreme hot weather, when meat will not keep from Saturday to Sunday, we throw, or cause to be thrown away, vast quantities of tainted meat, and have generally stinking dinners, because the butchers dare not sell a joint of meat on a Sunday morning. Now, though I would not have the Sabbath so far violated as to have it a market-day, yet, rather than abuse God's mercies by throwing away creatures given for our use, nay, for our own healths and cleanliness sake, I would have the same indulgence in extreme hot weather, as there is for milk and mackerel; that is to say, that meat might be killed in the cool of the morning, viz., one or two of the clock, and sold till nine, and no longer; nor should villanous informers have power to molest them in this innocent and reasonable amendment of a ridiculous vulgar error.

I cannot forbear taking notice of the extravagant use, or rather abuse, of that nauseous liquor called Geneva, among our lower sort. Those who deny that an inferior class of people are most necessary in a body politic, contradict reason and experience itself, since they are most useful when industrious, and as pernicious when lazy. By their industry our manufactures, trade, and commerce are carried on; the merchant in his counting-house, and the captain in his cabin, would find but little employment were it not that many hands carried on the different branches of the concern they superintended.

But now, so far are our common people infatuated with Geneva, that half the work is not done now as formerly. It debilitates and enervates them, and they are not near so strong and healthy as formerly. This accursed liquor is in itself so diuretic, it overstrains the parts of generation, and makes our common people incapable of getting such lusty children as they used to do. Add to this, that the women, by drinking it, spoil their milk, and by giving it to young children, as they foolishly do, spoil the stomach, and hinder digestion; so that in less than an age, we may expect a fine spindle-shanked generation.

There is not in nature so unhealthy a liquor as Geneva, especially as commonly sold; it curdles the blood, it stupefies the senses, it weakens the nerves, it spoils the eyesight, and entirely ruins the stomach; nay, some stomachs have been rendered so cold by the use of Geneva, that lamp spirits have not been a dram warm enough for them. Surely they will come to drink aquafortis at last!

On the contrary, our own malt liquors, especially common draught beer, is most wholesome and nourishing, and has brought up better generations than the present: it is strengthening, cooling, and balsamic; it helps digestion, and carries nourishment with it; and, in spite of the whims of some physicians, is most pertinent to a human, especially a good wholesome English, constitution. Nay, the honest part of the faculty deny not the use of small beer, well brewed, even in fevers. I, myself, have found great benefit by it; and if it be good in its kind, it is the finest jalap upon earth.

If this abuse of Geneva be not stopped, we may go whoop for husbandmen, labourers, &c. Trade must consequently stand still, and the credit of the nation sink; nor is the abatement of the excise, though very considerable, and most worthy notice, any ways comparable to the corruption of manners, the destruction of health, and all the train of evils we are threatened with from pernicious Geneva.

An effectual method to prevent street robberies

The principal encouragements and opportunity given to street robbers is, that our streets are so poorly watched; the watchmen, for the most part, being decrepit, superannuated wretches, with one foot in the grave and the other ready to follow; so feeble that a puff of breath can blow them down. Poor crazy mortals! much fitter for an almshouse than a watchhouse. A city watched and guarded by such animals is wretchedly watched indeed.

Nay, so little terror do our watchmen carry with them, that hardy thieves make a mere jest of them, and sometimes oblige even the very watchman who should apprehend them to light them in their roguery. And what can a poor creature do, in terror of his life, surrounded by a pack of ruffians, and no assistance near?

Add to this, that our rogues are grown more wicked than ever, and vice in all kinds is so much winked at, that robbery is accounted a petty crime. We take pains to puff them up in their villany, and thieves are set out in so amiable a light in the Beggar's Opera, that it has taught them to value themselves on their profession rather than be ashamed of it.

There was some cessation of street robberies, from the time of Bunworth and Blewitt's execution, until the introduction of this pious opera. Now we find the Cartouchian villanies revived, and London, that used to be the most safe and peaceful city in the universe, is now a scene of rapine and danger. If some of Cartouch's gang be not come over to instruct our thieves, and propagate their schemes, we have, doubtless, a Cartouch of our own, and a gang which, if not suppressed, may be full as pernicious as ever Cartouch's was, and London will be as dangerous as Paris, if due care be not taken.

We ought to begin our endeavours to suppress these villanies, first by heavenly, and then by earthly means.

By heavenly means, in enforcing and encouraging a reformation of manners, by suppressing of vice and immorality, and punishing profaneness and licentiousness. Our youth are corrupted by filthy, lewd ballads, sung and sold publicly in our streets; nay, unlicensed and unstamped, notwithstanding acts of parliament to the contrary.

Coachmen, carmen, &c., are indulged in swearing after the most blasphemous, shocking, and unaccountable rate that ever was known. New oaths and blasphemies are daily uttered and invented; and rather than not exercise this hellish talent, they will vent their curses on their very horses; and, oh stupid! damn the blood of a post, rather than want something to curse.

Our common women, too, have learned this vice; and not only strumpets, but labouring women, who keep our markets, and vend things about street, swear and curse at a most hideous rate. Their children learn it from their parents, and those of the middle, or even the better sort of people, if they pass through the streets to school, or to play, catch the infection, and carry home such words as must consequently be very shocking to sober parents.

Our youth, in general, have too much liberty; the Sabbath is not kept with due solemnity; masters and mistresses of families are too remiss in the care of the souls committed to their charge. Family prayer is neglected; and, to the shame of scoffers be it spoken, too much ridiculed. All ages and sexes, if in health, should be obliged to attend public worship, according to their respective opinions. Were it only to keep youth out of harm's way it would do well. But it is to be hoped, if their parents, masters, or mistresses, should oblige their attendance at public devotion, they would edify by what they should hear, and many wicked acts would be stifled in their infancy, and checked even in the intention, by good and useful doctrine.

Our common people make it a day of debauch, and get so drunk on a Sunday they cannot work for a day or two following. Nay, since the use of Geneva has become so common, many get so often drunk they cannot work at all, but run from one irregularity to another, till at last they become arrant rogues. And this is the foundation of all our present complaints.

We will suppose a man able to maintain himself and family by his trade, and at the same time to be a Geneva drinker. This fellow first makes himself incapable of working by being continually drunk; this runs him behindhand, and he either pawns or neglects his work, for which reason nobody will employ him. At last, fear of arrests, his own hunger, the cries of his family for bread, his natural desire to support an irregular life, and a propense hatred to labour, turn but too many an honest tradesman into an arrant desperate rogue. And these are commonly the means that furnish us with thieves and villains in general.

Thus is a man, that might be useful in a body politic, rendered obnoxious to the same: and if this trade of wickedness goes on, they will grow and increase upon us, insomuch that we shall not dare to stir out of our habitations; nay, it will be well if they arrive not to the impudence of plundering our houses at noonday.

Where is the courage of the English nation, that a gentleman, with six or seven servants, shall be robbed by one single highwayman? Yet we have lately had instances of this; and for this we may thank our effeminacy, our toupee wigs, and powdered pates, our tea, and other scandalous fopperies; and, above all, the disuse of noble and manly sports, so necessary to a brave people, once in vogue, but now totally lost among us.

Let not the reader think I run from my subject if I search the bottom of the distemper before I propose a cure, which having done, though indeed but slightly, for this is an argument could be carried to a much greater length, I proceed next to propose earthly means in the manner following.

Let the watch be composed of stout able-bodied men, and of those at least treble the number now subsisting, that is to say, a watchman to every forty houses, twenty on one side of the way, and twenty on the other; for it is observable that a man cannot well see distinctly beyond the extent of twenty houses in a row; if it is a single row, and no opposite houses, the charge must be greater and their safety less. This man should be elected and paid by the housekeepers themselves, to prevent misapplication and abuse, so much complained of in the distribution of public money.

He should be allowed ten shillings per annum by each housekeeper, which at forty houses, as above specified, amounts to 20l. per annum, almost treble to what is at present allowed; and yet most housekeepers are charged at least 2s. 6d. a quarter to the watch, whose beat is, generally speaking, little less than the compass of half a mile.

This salary is something of encouragement, and a pretty settlement to a poor man, who with frugality may live decently thereon, and by due rest be enabled to give vigilant attendance.

If a housekeeper break, or a house is empty, the poor watchman ought not to suffer, the deficiency should be made up by the housekeepers remaining.

Or, indeed, all housekeepers might be excused, if a tax of only one shilling per annum were levied on every bachelor within the bills of mortality, and above the age of one-and-twenty, who is not a housekeeper: for these young sparks are a kind of unprofitable gentry to the state; they claim public safety and advantages, and yet pay nothing to the public; nay, indeed, they in a manner live upon the public, for (on a Sunday especially) at least a million of these gentlemen quarter themselves upon the married men, and rob many families of part of a week's provision, more particularly when they play a good knife and fork, and are of the family of the Tuckers.

I beg pardon for this whimsical proposal, which, ludicrous as it seems, has something in it; and may be improved. Return we, in the mean time, to our subject.

The watch thus stationed, strengthened, and encouraged, let every watchman be armed with firearms and sword; and let no watchman stand above twenty doors distant from his fellow.

Let each watchman be provided with a bugle-horn, to sound an alarm, or in time of danger; and let it be made penal, if not felony, for any but a watchman to sound a horn in and about the city, from the time of their going on, to that of their going off.

An objection will be here made on account of the postboys, to obviate which, I had thoughts of a bell, but that would be too ponderous and troublesome for a watchman to carry, besides his arms and lantern. As to a fixed bell, if the watchman is at another part of his walk, how can he give notice? Besides, rogues may play tricks with the bell; whereas a horn is portable, always ready, and most alarming.

Let the postboys therefore use some other signal, since this is most convenient to this more material purpose. They may carry a bell in a holster with ease, and give notice by that, as well as those who collect the letters.

That the watchmen may see from one end of their walks to the other, let a convenient number of lamps be set up, and those not of the convex kind, which blind the eyes, and are of no manner of use; they dazzle, but give no distinct light: and further, rather than prevent robberies, many, deceived and blinded by these ignes fatui, have been run over by coaches, carts, &c. People stumble more upon one another, even under these very lamps, than in the dark. In short, they are most unprofitable lights, and in my opinion, rather abuses than benefits.