Once Dormant

She simply had no idea what to say.

To her relief, Ryan got out of the car without saying another word.

Riley sat staring at the house as Ryan went on inside. Her heart really went out to him. She couldn’t imagine facing that house alone herself—not with all the memories it harbored, both good or bad.

And those words he’d said …

“Your life is all of a piece.”

She sighed and murmured aloud …

“It’s not true.”

It was still a struggle for her, raising two girls while working at a consuming and often dangerous job. She was pulled in too many directions, had too many commitments, and she hadn’t yet learned to handle it.

Was it always going to be this way?

And how was Blaine going to fit into it all?

Was a successful marriage even possible for her?

She shuddered at the thought that maybe she’d be in Ryan’s shoes one day.

Then she pulled away from the house where she had once lived, and drove back home.

CHAPTER EIGHT

Riley was pacing the floor in her living room.

She told herself that she should just relax now, that she’d learned all about relaxing on her recent vacation. But when she thought about that, she found herself remembering what her father had said in her nightmare …

“You’re a hunter, like me.”

But she sure didn’t feel like a hunter at the moment.

More like a caged animal, she thought.

She’d just gotten home from taking the girls to their first day of school. Jilly was delighted to finally be in the same high school as her sister. The new students and their parents got the customary welcome in the auditorium, then a quick tour of the students’ classrooms. April had been able to join Riley and Jilly for the tour.

Although Riley hadn’t had a chance to talk at length with each teacher, she’d managed to say hello and introduce herself as Jilly’s mother and April as Jilly’s sister. Some of Jilly’s new teachers had taught April in earlier years, and they had nice things to say about her.

When Riley had wanted to hang around after the orientation, both girls had teased her.

“And do what?” April had asked. “Go to all of Jilly’s classes?”

Riley had said maybe she would, provoking a moan of despair from Jilly.

“Mo-o-o-m! That would be so uncool!”

April had laughed and said, “Mom, don’t be a chopper.”

When Riley asked what a “chopper” was, April informed her it meant “helicopter parent.”

One of those terms I ought to be up on, Riley thought.

Anyway, Riley had respected Jilly’s pride and come on home—and now here she was. Gabriela had gone out to meet one of her numerous cousins for lunch, then do some grocery shopping. So Riley was alone in the house, except for a dog and a cat that didn’t seem the least bit interested in her.

I’ve got to snap out of this, she thought.

Riley went to the kitchen and got herself a snack. Then she forced herself to sit down in the living room and turned on the TV. The news was depressing, so she switched to a daytime soap. She had no idea what was going on in the story, but it was diverting, at least for a little while.

But her attention soon wandered, and she found herself thinking about what Ryan had said during his awful visit when she got back from the beach …

“I can’t face it alone. I can’t live in that house alone.”

Right now, Riley had some idea of how he felt.

Were she and her ex-husband more alike than she wanted to admit?

She tried to convince herself otherwise. Unlike Ryan, she was taking care of her family. Later today, the girls and Gabriela would all be home and they’d have dinner together. Maybe this weekend Blaine and Crystal would join them.

That thought reminded Riley that Blaine had been a little bit reserved toward her ever since the whole thing with Ryan had happened. Riley could understand why. Riley hadn’t wanted to talk to Blaine about the visit afterward—it seemed too intimate and personal—and it was only natural that Blaine had felt uncomfortable about it.

She had an urge to phone him right now, but she knew that Blaine was putting in a lot of hours catching up with things at his restaurant now that their vacation was over.

So now here Riley was, feeling terribly alone in her own house …

Just like Ryan.

She couldn’t help feeling a little guilty toward her ex-husband—although she couldn’t imagine why. Nothing that was wrong in his life was her fault. Even so, she more than half-wanted to give him a call, find out how he was doing, maybe commiserate with him a little. But of course, that was an incredibly stupid idea. The last thing she wanted to do was give him any false signals that they might get together again.

As the soap opera characters argued, wept, slapped each other, and jumped in out of bed with each other, something occurred to Riley.

Sometimes her own life at home, her family and relationships, didn’t seem any more real to her than what she was watching on TV. The actual presence of her loved ones tended to distract her from her deep-seated sense of isolation. But even just a few hours by herself in the house was enough to painfully remind her of how truly alone she felt inside.

There was an empty place inside her that could only be filled by …

What, exactly?

By work.

But how meaningful was her work, to herself or to anybody else?

Again she remembered something her father had said in that dream …

“It’s a damn crazy useless life you’ve got—seeking justice for people who’re already dead, exactly the people who don’t need justice anymore.”

She wondered …