Once Dormant

“No, not yet. It’s just that …”

Ryan’s voice faded, then he said …

“I can’t face it alone. I can’t live in that house alone. I keep remembering happy times with you and April. I keep thinking about how badly I screwed things up for all of us. The place breaks my heart, Riley.”

He took out his handkerchief and wiped his eyes. Riley was shocked. She’d very rarely seen Ryan cry. She almost felt like crying herself.

But she knew she had a serious problem to solve right now.

She said in a gentle voice …

“Ryan, you can’t stay here.”

Ryan shriveled like a punctured balloon. Riley wished her words weren’t so hurtful. But she had to be honest.

“I’ve got my own life now,” she said. “I’ve got two girls to raise. And it’s a good life. Blaine and I are serious about each other—really serious. In fact …”

She almost went on to tell him about Blaine’s plans to build onto his house.

But no, that would be too much right now.

Instead she said, “You can sell our old house.”

“I know,” Ryan said, still crying softly. “I plan to. But in the meantime … I just can’t live there.”

Riley wished she could do something to comfort him—take his hand, give him a hug, or some other physical gesture of comfort.

It was tempting, and some of her old feeling for him was welling up inside her but …

Don’t do it, she told herself.

Stay cool.

Think of Blaine.

Think of the kids.

Ryan was sobbing pathetically now. In a truly frantic voice he said …

“Riley, I’m sorry. I want to start all over. I want to be a good husband and a good dad. Surely I can do that if … we try again.”

Still keeping physical space between them, Riley said …

“Ryan, we can’t. It’s way too late for that.”

“It’s never too late,” Ryan cried. “Let’s just go away, the two of us, put things back together.”

Riley shuddered deeply.

He doesn’t know what he’s saying, she thought.

He’s having a nervous breakdown.

She also felt pretty sure now that he’d been drinking earlier today.

Then, with a nervous laugh, he said …

“I’ve got it! Let’s head up to your dad’s cabin! I’ve never even been there, can you believe it? Not once in all these years. We can spend a few days there and—”

Riley interrupted him sharply, “Ryan no.”

He stared at her as if he couldn’t believe his ears.

In a gentler voice Riley said, “I’ve sold the cabin, Ryan. And even if I hadn’t …”

She fell silent for a moment, then said …

“Ryan, you’ve got to pull yourself out of this. I wish I could help you, but I can’t.”

Ryan’s shoulders sagged and his sobbing grew quieter. He seemed to be taking Riley’s words to heart.

She said, “You’re a tough, smart, resourceful man. You can come back from all this. I know you can. But I can’t be a part of it. It wouldn’t be good for me—and if you’re honest with yourself, you know it wouldn’t be good for you either.”

Ryan nodded miserably.

“You’re right,” he said, his voice steadier now. “It’s my own mess and I’ve got to fix it. I’m sorry I bothered you. I’ll go home now.”

As he got to his feet, Riley said …

“Wait a minute. You’re in no condition to drive home. Let me drive you. You can come back and get your car when you’re feeling better.”

Ryan nodded again.

Riley was relieved that they weren’t going to have an argument about it, and that she didn’t have to forcibly take his car keys away from him.

Riley finally dared to take him by the arm as she led him out to her own car. He really did seem to need her physical support.

They were both silent during the drive. When they pulled up to the big, beautiful house they’d once shared, he said, “Riley, there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you. I … I think you’ve done really well. And I wish you every happiness.”

Riley felt a lump in her throat.

“Oh, Ryan—” she began.

“No, please listen to me, because this is important. I admire you. You’ve done so many great things. You’ve been a great mother to April, and you’ve adopted Jilly, and you’re starting into a relationship, and I can tell that he’s a great guy. And all the while you’ve been doing your job, stopping bad guys, saving lives. I don’t know how you’ve done it. Your life is all of a piece.”

Riley was deeply startled—and deeply disturbed.

When was the last time Ryan had said anything like this to her?