Once Cold

Riley shuddered.

Paula had lost a daughter to a killer who had never been brought to justice.

Riley had also lost someone to a killer who was never found.

She spoke slowly.

“Paula … I still have flashbacks about it. Nightmares too.”

Paula replied in a kindly, caring voice.

“I don’t suppose that’s surprising. You were little. And you were there when it happened. I was spared what you went through.”

That word spared startled Riley.

It didn’t seem to her that Paula had been spared in any way.

True, Paula hadn’t been forced to watch her daughter die.

But surely losing one’s only child was even worse than what Riley had suffered.

Paula’s capacity for selfless empathy always astonished Riley.

Paula kept on speaking in a soothing voice.

“Grief never goes away, I don’t suppose. Maybe we shouldn’t want it to. What would we become if I forgot Justin or you forgot your mother? I don’t ever want to become that hard. As long as I still hurt and grieve, I feel human … and alive. It’s a part of who we both are, Riley.”

Riley blinked back a tear.

As always, Paula was telling her exactly what she needed to hear.

But as always, it wasn’t easy.

Paula continued, “And look at what you’ve done with your life – protecting others, pursuing justice. Your loss has helped make you who you are – a champion, a good and caring person.”

A single sob broke out of Riley’s throat.

“Oh, Paula. I wish things didn’t have to be like this – for either of us. I wish I could have – ”

Paula interrupted.

“Riley, we talk about this every year. My daughter’s killer will never be brought to justice. It’s nobody’s fault, and I don’t blame anybody. Least of all you. It was never your case to begin with. It’s not your responsibility. Everybody else did the best they could. The best thing you can do is just talk to me. And that makes my life ever so much better.”

“I’m sorry about Justin,” Riley said.

“Thank you. It means a lot to me.”

Riley and Paula agreed to talk again next year, then ended the call.

Riley sat quietly alone in her office.

Talking with Paula was always emotionally difficult, but most of the time it made Riley feel better.

Today Riley only felt worse.

Why was that?

Too much is going wrong, Riley realized.

Today, all the troubles in her life seemed to be linked together.

And somehow, she couldn’t help blaming herself for all the loss, for all the pain.

At least she didn’t feel like crying anymore. Crying certainly didn’t help. Besides, Riley had some routine paperwork to do today. She settled down at her desk and tried to work.

*

Later that afternoon, Riley drove straight from Quantico to Brody Middle School. Jilly was already waiting on the sidewalk when Riley pulled up to the curb.

Jilly jumped into the passenger seat.

“I’ve been waiting here for fifteen minutes!” she said. “Hurry! We’ll be late for the game!”

Riley chuckled a little.

“We’re not going to be late,” she said. “We’re going to be just in time.”

Riley drove on toward April’s high school.

As she drove, Riley began to worry again.

Had Ryan come to the house during the day to pick up his things?

And when and how was she going to break the news to the girls that he was gone?

“What’s the matter?” Jilly asked.

Riley hadn’t realized that her face had betrayed her feelings.

“Nothing,” she said.

“It’s not nothing,” Jilly said. “I can tell.”

Riley held back a sigh. Like April and Riley herself, Jilly was nothing if not observant.

Should I tell her now? Riley wondered.

No, this wasn’t the time. They were on their way to watch April play in a soccer game. She didn’t want to ruin the afternoon with bad news.