TIDA

– Pasha, you know me. If only I could get it all back. Could I ask my fate about this? I blame myself for his death, my friend. It is so. I can’t see my reflection in the mirror. I’m sick of myself, my friend. Answer me, Pasha, how can I live on? How can I ignore the fact that I’m that very Muhit? I can’t do so, Pasha, and you know it. I would want to be lying in the wet ground instead of him. Because he had to live for many years,– he said in a shaken voice.

– Muhit, that’s not the way I imagined our conversation. And I really expected that we might have had a calm, close talk… Perhaps I came at the wrong time. I hit home with my visit… I’d better go. You are the only one who has answers for all of your questions. Whoever you’ve been, I’ll always be your friend. Remember that. And I will not stay aside in case you need me. I will visit you again in a couple of days and maybe then we’ll manage to talk. We’ll talk seriously and not emotionally. Is it a deal, Muhit?,– he said and stood up from his chair and walked in the direction of the door. Just for a moment he noticed some kind of a smile on his face while he was looking at his son’s photo but it disappeared right away.

– To speak in a calm manner? If only everything that you said would be this way, Pasha. If only everything you said was not like this. But what’s the point of awareness if the heart is bleeding? There is no remedy from it, unfortunately. I’ll be waiting for you, Pasha,– he said in the empty space and Pavel didn’t hear it while going downstairs.

After coming back home, Pavel couldn’t get himself together for a long time. The conversation with Muhit didn’t leave his mind. Even his wife noticed something strange. She noticed that he was concerned and during the dinner she asked him:

– Pavel, is everything okay with you? Is there anything wrong with your job? You didn’t even touch the food… Shall you have some rest? This new position of yours has really worn you out… Perhaps you should refuse your new position of the head of the department? You didn’t want to have it from the beginning. You are a good doctor. Let somebody else take this position… Do you think it’s pleasant for me as well? I see that something is going on,– his wife Irina stood up worried.

– You know, Irisha, I visited Muhit today. Yes, it was him. But I couldn’t recognize the poor thing right away. I’m afraid something bad might happen if I don’t stop him. All my mind is occupied with him, Irisha. I’m sorry. I was not just terrified by his appearance. I was terrified by his words, sweetheart. His words cut me like a knife… Those were the words of a father who truly and madly loved his child… It’s not even about the fact that I’ve been asked about him all these days at work. But I can’t do anything at work after that… I feel so sorry for him anyways. He is my only friend. I couldn’t even recognize him. The grief, the tragic loss of his son is killing him, poor thing he is. He is drinking over all possible limits. He will destroy himself this way. I need to visit him again in a couple of days. I promised him. Maybe he didn’t hear my words but when I was walking away, I told him so. But as his friend I want to be honest with him and keep my word. And I will do so. He has nobody around now, all alone, It is me who has to help him to break this vicious circle now. Otherwise all of us will lose this great person… That’s what I saw at his home,– he said sadly and thoughtfully.

– Yeah, I agree with you, Pavel. He is a great person. Help him if it’s possible. Even his wife is not around him, which is a pity… You said she calls you rarely… Why did she leave that poor thing alone? Pavel, let me heat your dinner up again. You need to eat. You shouldn’t torture yourself with his problems. I’ve been worried for you, Pavel,– she said with a concerned look.

– Yes, she calls me every week and cries all the time. She wants to learn about him. Who else could she also call but me? Do you think I should’ve told him about her calls today? Should I’ve told him so that he would begin blaming himself for that one as well? What a fool I’ve been! I was covering myself up with work while he was suffering… And now I understand Mereke. She didn’t leave him forever. She knows him so well. She knows his personality. She knows that he will not let everyone live until he sorts all the things out. That’s how his brain works, Irisha. He is Muhit and he has to go till the end… He has to understand and realize what happened. To accept what happened and, the most crucial part, understand himself. How didn’t I get it right away? It is not in the power of anyone to realize what happened to his son. But he is not a simple person. He will not just give up. And if I know him right, he is this kind of person! Oh, my friend. You have the right to be offended with me. That I started understanding you only now. Thank you, Irina, for your conversation. Now I’m really hungry. Oh, Irisha, this is how all of us, men, are. We are complicated and simple. It’s like everything is concealed but if you take a closer look, everything is located on the surface,– he said to his wife in a more lively manner.

– Pavel, you are so smart. Do what you intend. And if your heart says that you’re doing the right thing, go ahead then. We are also growing kids… I know how much you value your friendship with Muhit. Pavel, I got so moved while I was listening to you. And I understand him now. And poor Mereke! How is she now? She feels twice as hard,– she was saying that while watching her beloved husband operating with silvery deftly, while eating.

– Thank you for these words. You have never been more right. That’s what I’m thinking about. That he needs those important words. And I have some hope that our conversation hasn’t been useless. But what is waiting for us in the future? You know, Irina, I have a feeling that he needs some kind of support. He needs something to push away and leave that place. The place which might not let him go now. Yes, I felt it all today and I guess I need to think more. I need to think more and get prepared for our next conversation,– he said that without raising his head and went on with his dinner.

These two days have gone so fast. Pavel had an image of his friend all these days. He was tensed by the idea that his friend might not be eager to see him. He left his job a little earlier and headed to Muhit’s place again. He took some food with him and went upstairs right to his apartment. The door was not locked, he pushed it and went in. Muhit was sleeping on the sopha. Nothing had changed as it was before. The things were all around. The empty alcohol bottles were thrown everywhere around. It all caught Pavel’s eyes. After thinking for a little he opened the window to let the fresh air in. The fresh flow came up to the room right away. He took off his jacket and started cleaning up. He took away all unnecessary things, including the empty bottles. Muhit was still sleeping tightly. And only when he started to move chairs which were lying on the floor, he heard his groaning.

– Who’s here? Who are you? Walk away whoever you are,– he said in a rude sleepy voice.

– It’s enough to lay here as an old man. You’ve been lying here and trying to command me. You’d better help me,– shortly but confidently said Pavel and started laughing, surprised by himself.

– Is that you, Pasha? What are you doing here? What have you done to the room? Have I asked you to do something? I don’t wanna see you. Thank you, indeed, but leave me alone. I’m not ready to talk to you today,– he said, confused but showing his unpleasure, still lying on the sopha.

– I've heard you, Muhit. You are feeling sorry for yourself that’s why you’ve been doing this to you. What are you looking like? What does your apartment look like? Is that you, Muhit? Is that Muhit who always gave me valuable pieces of advice?! Get ready. We’re going to my home. Irina cooked something there. She’s not home so we’ll spend some time there. She went to Almaty to see her parents. You’ll eat. And take a shower as well. When was the last time you ate something, Muhit? If you wish, I can be silent…. Just let me help you clean up here,– he said puting the tissue away.

– What kind of food? Have you lost your mind, Pasha? Let it all go to hell. Please, leave, Pasha. You see that I’m not ready for anything. You hurt me with your presence, Pasha. Or is it pleasant for you to torture me with yoyr questions?– Muhit asked him as if begging.

– Muhit, you remember I told you I was feeling low? It happened, remember? Nothing was going well for me. The work was all wrecked, my wife was sick and hospitalized… I needed to be everything and be on time. I told you then why everything was going wrong for me. Unlike the others. I experienced a sudden happiness and sadness and concern for my family. It was throwing me back and forth… Do you remember, Muhit? Everything around seemed to be one solid problem. And you told me only one phrase which put everything in its place right away… You told me then: what do you want, Pasha? You are a doctor and always need to hold your head high. That many people watch us and find some kind of support in us. At least some kind of support. Life is like a heart rate monitor. Yeah, that’s what you said. And I was even surprised by your response. And it is actually true. Doesn’t everything we see and everything happening prove your theory? I told myself you were a genius then. You noticed everything around and made such a comparison. It’s true, a heart rate is jumping up and down, a straight line is for the dead… So you have to remember that life is all about ups and downs. It will remind you that you have to go back. Did your words help me then? Obviously, they did, Muhit. But now take your own words back and address them to your own self! Yes, you’re having a really hard time now, I understand! I don’t judge you for doing all of these to yourself recently. Find yourself, my friend! You are the only one who’s able to answer all the questions in your head! Take a sit and watch other people who lost all of their families. Listen to what they were dreaming about… Haven’t you seen such people while working? You might be on top of your happiness. Maybe you’ve got everything many people are wishing for? It’s your life and your family… You are safe and sound, you have your arms and legs… Yes, you lost a son. But you lost him, not killed yourself. Remember that. I understand that your heart is broken. But you’re a man. It’s time to stop running away from yourself but make decisions. Once and forever. You have always done it. It’s characteristic only of you,– he said standing up.

– They left me. Mereke and Karlygash. They left me alone. Do you understand, Pasha, who I am right now? A father who wrecked his child? Do I dare to live on Earth after this tragedy? Tell me, why are you torturing me? Would you like to see me like this and make fun of me? Say it directly, why are you torturing me? Would you like to see me this way and make fun of me? Yes, I’m nothing! It is my choice. I want to suffer, Pasha. I couldn’t help when I had to, not like a father but like a doctor. And he needed me! He was waiting for me, I remember his last glance, addressed to me. As it turned out, it was his last glance. It’s curious to observe the way a person who used to be successful is dying inside. Especially if this person is you… You walk around with no emotions and only observe the way people are keeping away from you and look scornfully behind your back… Alcohol is my rock right now, that's why I’m addicted to it, my friend. Pasha, have you ever felt scorn from people who saw you the way you’d never been before? Yes, it’s like that, there’s no other way. And they have no sympathy for me. But isn’t it what I want? It’s my punishment for my crime, friend. I need scorn because I deserved it like no one else. Now you understand me, Pasha? I really wish to disappear. I want everyone to forget me… Would I want to become myself as I used to be before? Would I want to be loved and to love? Unfortunately, it’s all left in the past. My life is over, Pasha. My life has no meaning when it’s empty,– he told so and dropped a half-empty bottle of vodka and cried quietly, covering his face.

– No. No and no again. Remember, my friend, Mereke and Karlygash would be delighted if you stopped acting this way. Who else, if not her, would cry when thinking of you, Muhit. And Karlygash is your most beautiful martin, have you forgotten about her? And about the decision to visit us or not, you’ve found the one who might give up on you? Let’s dine together and then you can do what you want, my friend. And, by the way, there’s one more talk. And this talk is very important to me,-said Pavel affirmatively, pulling the closest chair and sitting down. He looked at his eyes trying to notice something more than he’d seen before. At least some little change which might push him to something good, something which might make his friend the way he used to be before. The one who he used to be. And the one who he was proud of being a good friend. Muhit sat up and trailed to the kitchen, tottering. He drank some tap water there and came back in desire to ask something. He looked at him and looked down on the floor.

– Will she not be home today for sure? I’m asking about Irina. I’ll be ashamed to appear this way in front of her. Aren’t you lying to me, Pasha? Don’t tell me about the way I’ve changed. My present appearance is my protection and my protest for society. But mostly it’s my protest for myself. So you came here to talk to me? Let’s talk here then. These days I don’t need anything from anyone. What other kind of talk would you like to have with me? Would you like to ask me about the job? By the way, how is everything at our work? How are our colleagues? I don’t even know the date. Pasha, did you fire me? Tell me directly,friend. I won’t even be offended. Soon they’ll forget me. There was some Muhit and there’s no any Muhit… I know it all. Don’t I? Don’t you think I never thought of that?,– he asked, coming closer to Pavel.

– I have nothing to explain to you. I don’t want to flatter you as well. I’m your friend and you know it. I’m the one you can always rely on even when your world is breaking. Muhit. We still need you. And most of all I need you,– replied Pavel shortly. And after these words Muhit and Pavel hugged tightly.

– Thank you for these words, Pasha. I didn’t even expect any other from you. I’m ashamed to look you in the eyes. All this time. I’m sorry for all of this, Pasha. I have lost my heart before you,– he let his hand go and left to rinse his face.

– Muhit we’ll talk about it later. Let’s get out. I’ll tell you one case which occured in our department on the way home,-he let him forward and locked the door of the apartment.

Muhit took a shower, ate well and went to bed already prepared by Pavel. He was experiencing a whole range of different emotions and couldn’t fall asleep. He tried to remember everything, literally every detail, every tiny thing but each time he was still tripping on the same thing and stopped his attempt to go back in the past.

– Pasha, are you sleeping?,– he asked his question through the darkness of the room.

– Can’t you sleep as well? Do you remember I passed over a conversation when you were at your house?,– asked Pavel in the darkness.

– Yes, sure, I remember. What did you want to talk to me about? Don’t make me wait for long, Pasha,– asked Muhit in a concerned voice.

– I need some advice from you. It’s a thing which concerns both of us. If you’re ready to talk to me, I turn the light on, then, Muhit,– he got up and started putting on his clothes.

– I don’t have any sleep and you are intriguing me. I’m getting up. Make up some tea then. Tell what you wanted to discuss,-replied Muhit and started putting on his clothes.

– I don’t want to walk around, Muhit. I went up to the management with some offer to start an adaptive medicine office. Do you understand what I’m talking about? You are aware of the fact that nowadays we have many special children. By “special” I mean kids who have such disorders as cerebral palsy, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, delayed psycho-speech development, Down’s syndrome, and autism, of course. Indeed, we need to define our aims and prior and secondary tasks at the stage of appeal. Of course, my goal is to create such a center. We need a well-coordinated work of the team of specialists which will get to their achievements. It would provide the effectiveness of rehabilitation. What would you say on that one, Muhit?,– Pavel looked at his thoughtful friend.

– Why are you telling me that? I can’t understand one thing. You know about my son, who was suffering from cerebral palsy…. And you dare to ask me this question? Are you mocking me? Why did you start this conversation? You started so well but now you’re leading to the same. Why are you raising this topic again, Pasha?,– said Muhit angrily.

– You’re absolutely right, Muhit. Please listen to me till the end. I’m begging you. I don’t want to hurt your feelings… My goal is not this, friend. I’m telling you this because you are my candidate for this place. Yes, I know that you wanted to help your son and I’m sure that if there was no tragic accident, you’d achieve the desired result. But sadly… Something which everyone can experience happened. Please listen to me and don’t disturb me. All of us are mortal, my friend. Don’t you want to finish what you’ve started and help children in need? You are a true doctor, Muhit, and I’m proud to be your colleague. Yes, of course, we can’t get Kanatik back… However there are other children who also need your help. I know the way you were learning this problem and how deep you dug into each article, will you bury all of your knowledge? We discussed it together and argued over it… Acknowledging that you are needed here and now and not daring to give a hand to all children in need? I will not stay away as well and would be glad to help you if only you began this grand thing, Muhit. Let’s begin this big thing and some other specialists will join us. They will catch up with our beginnings for sure,– he said looking at photos of both of them taken at their workplace, hung up on the wall, sadly.

– Pasha, do you think it’s easy to get over everything that happened to me and my sin again? Tell me straight away. Do you think it’s easy to see these children but not see my own son who’s not alive anymore? Frankly speaking, I’d like to quit work. How about their eyes full of pain and despair, and hope? I need to think it over, Pavel. If there weren’t those cursed slippery stones, Pavel. If there wasn’t a moment I lost my focus… Pasha, I can only tell you one thing. I can’t help thinking that I was the one who had it done with my son. If I hadn’t been that careless, that accident wouldn’t have happened. I never told it to anyone. You’re the only one to hear it. I still cry when I remember him. Although why I’m telling you that, you saw my tears… Simultaneously I’m an animal and absolutely nothing, my friend,– he sobbed and went to the bathroom. He tried to calm down there. He wiped off his tears and saw his reflection for the first time in many days. It broke his heart even more and he regretted that he accepted an offer from a friend to come over.

After some time they were in the kitchen and went on his conversation, drinking some tea. It was a late night but each of them wanted to have a chance to speak up. Pavel tried to listen more son his friend could have a chance to get rid of his emotions. And he also tried to ask him the same questions. Muhit was hard to be recognized. He was interested in everything. Perhaps even concealing it from his friend, Muhit was trying to look into the future and make some of his plans. Pavel knew him well and saw it going but he also felt the condition of his friend. The condition which he was trying to bring back to life. The friend who now was trying to conceal his broken heart clumsily. They went to bed late at night and each of them were glad in their own way. This day gave them back the support, a desire to do good deeds.

Pavel was thinking about his family and work. Muhit was trying to remember the way he was helpful to other people. Their wishes and dreams were taking both of them into deep thoughts where a personal satisfaction from helping and saving lives was pushing them to live.

The next day Muhit came back home. He was cleaning for a whole day. His eyes were glad to see washed and folded neat clothes.

– Will you really go back to work tomorrow, Muhit?,– he asked himself this question in his mind. He glanced over the room quickly and sadly and went on thinking about the hospital and children. The job which was offered by Pavel didn’t leave his mind. He was trying to focus, imagining to what extent he had to unite all this work in order to achieve the set goals. Deep inside, he was happy to get that offer because it could attract him much with its grandness. Even though the job might be hard, at least it can dim his pain. The pain which dared to change him that much. The pain which gave him a hope to live. But still, some kind of concern couldn’t leave him.

– Muhit, what’s wrong? Kanat, if only you were next to me now… My notes, where are they? I need to help kids with the same problems, Muhit,– he addressed himself and realized the reason for his worry. He sat down, looked at his son’s photo and burst into tears again.

Chapter 3. Meeting

The work went as it was. Muhit started his new thing with great enthusiasm. Recently moving to another building of the children city hospital was met with great enthusiasm from all staff. Each of them wanted to get used to it and most of them were successful. Some of them were still trying to adjust to a new reality, messing with the office numbers and confusing the floors of the building. Muhit belonged to the latter group but his new work, entrusted to him by Pavel, didn’t leave him any opportunity to pay attention to that. And he was really glad. The new medical staff was happy to get new conditions for their patients.

The newly-built city children's hospital had many rooms. But the subject of pride was the supply of medical rooms with modern equipment. Once Pavel asked Muhit to stay after the staff meeting. After asking him about his things, he asked him to sit and listen to him.

– Muhit, do you remember I told you about one of our clients? He’s one of our recent patients. He lives with his mother. Last month they moved to our town. Her son is an autist. He’s 13 years old. He studies at home. The boy is specific and just a little reserved. Psychologists worked with him and according to the notes in his medical history it was a great help. Although according to his mother’s words, after those conversations with psychologists, the boy became more irritated. His mom brought the boy to me a couple of times. The boy, I have to say, is really concealed and reserved. I think you need to get to work with him. As I’ve said before, he’s 13 years old and we need to work carefully with him. What could you say about him, Muhit? I know that such kids need to be socialized. To what extent is that possible? Didn’t you have a similar patient? He tries to study well and study history from the magazines. And it’s kind of weird, because he chose not books but magazines… He says he likes it. And this kind of obsession with history makes people feel amazed, Muhit. According to his mother’s words, her son cuts something out carefully and puts it in the albums. I tried to talk to him for some time, ask him about different things but I couldn’t, Muhit. I can’t conceal the fact that the boy has some kind of hidden potential. It would be interesting if you met him as a specialist who’s involved in his work. I would like to listen to your opinion about him with pleasure. So, his mother comes up to me for several days and cries. She’s worried about the behavioral changes of her son. Could you find some time and examine her son?