Monsieur De Pourceaugnac

Ner. (pretending to be from Picardy). [13 - Lowland Scotch is employed here.] Oh! Aa can stand nowt more; aa'm rait winded! Ah! good for nowt, thou's made me run well for it; thou'lt not 'scape me now. Joostice! Joostice! Aa forbid the weddin. (To Oronte) He's my ain man, Mast-ther, and as sh'd joost loik to ave him stroong up, the precious hang-dog there.

Mr. Pour. Another!

Oro. What a devil of a man!

Luc. An' what be yèu a-tullin' o', wai yur vurbèedin' an' yur 'àngin'? Thiki man's yo-ur ùzban, is ur?

Ner. You're rait, Missis, an aa'm joost his woif.

Luc. That's a lie then; 'tis me that's the rail weiv o' un; an eef 'ee ought vur to be a'ànged, why 'tis me that ought vur to 'ave it adeud.

Ner. Me; aa can mak nowt o' that soort o' talk.

Luc. I do tul 'ee 'ow that I be 'is weiv.

Ner. His woif?

Luc. Ees fie!

Ner. Aa tell ye once more, that it's me at's joost that.

Luc. An' I vows an' declares as 'ow tez me, my own zul.

Ner. 'Twere fowr yeer agone 'at he wed me.

Luc. An' me, tez zeben yur sinz 'e teuk me vur 'iz weiv.

Ner. Aa can proove aal 'at aa say.

Luc. All my naibours knowth ut.

Ner. Owr town can well witness to it.

Luc. All Pézénas zeed us amarried.

Ner. All Sin Quintin helpt at owr weddin'.

Luc. Thur cant be nort more saafur.

Ner. Nowt can be more sartin.

Luc. (to Mr. de Pourceaugnac). Dis thee dare to zay òrt gin ut, yèu villun?

Ner. (to Mr. de Pourceaugnac). Canst thou deny me, wicked man?

Mr. Pour. One is as true as the other.

Luc. What èemperence! What, yèu rogue, yèu don't mind poor leedle Franky an' poor leedle Jinny – they that be the outcomin's o' our marridge?

Ner. Joost look, there's cheek! What! thou's forgot yon poor cheel, owr little Maggy, 'at thou's lef me for a pledge o' thy faith?

Mr. Pour. What impudent jades!

Luc. Yur Franky! Yur Jinny, come both o' ee, come both o' ee, come an' mak yur bad rascal of a father own to 'ow ee've asàrd all o' us.

Ner. Coom hither, Maggy, maa cheel, coom heere quick, an' shame your fayther of th' impudence 'at he's gotten.

SCENE X. – MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, ORONTE, LUCETTE, NÉRINE, SEVERAL CHILDREN

Chi. Fayther! fayther! fayther!

Mr. Pour. Deuce take the little brats!

Luc. What yèu, villun, artn thee fit to drap, vur to tak to yur chillurn arter jis farshin, an' to keep thee eyes vàs, 'feerd thee mids show lig a father teu 'em? Thee shetn git away vrom me, yèu scàulus oseburd! I'll volly thee ivery place, and cry op thee wickedness 'gin I've asàrd thee out, an' 'gin I've amade thee zwing. Rascal, I sheud like vur to mak thee zwing vor't, an' that I sheud.

Ner. Wilt not bloosh to spaik yon words, an' to tak no thowt o'th kissin' o' yon poor cheel? Thou'lt not get clear o' ma claws; aa can tell thee! an spoit o' thy showin' thy teeth, aa'l mak thee know 'at aa'm thy woif, an' aa'l mak thee hang for it.

Chi. Fayther! fayther! fayther!

Mr. Pour. Help! help! Where shall I run?

Oro. Go; you will do right to have him punished, and he richly deserves to be hanged.

SCENE XI. – SBRIGANI (alone)

Everything has been done according to my wish, and is succeeding admirably. We will so weary out our provincial that he will only be too thankful to leave the place.

SCENE XII. – MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, SBRIGANI

Mr. Pour. Ah! I am murdered! What vexation! What a cursed town! Assassinated everywhere!

Sbri. What is it, Sir? Has anything new happened?

Mr. Pour. Yes; it rains doctors and women in this country.

Sbri. How is that?

Mr. Pour. Two jabbering jades have just been accusing me of being married to both of them, and have threatened me with justice.

Sbri. This is a bad business, for in this country justice is terribly rigorous against that sort of crime.

Mr. Pour. Yes; but even if there should be information, citation, decree, and verdict obtained by surprise, default, and contumacy, I have still the alternative of a conflict of jurisdiction to gain time, and a resort to the means of nullity that will be found in the court case.

Sbri. The very terms, and it is easy to see that you are in the profession, Sir.

Mr. Pour. I? Certainly not; I am a gentleman.[14 - Compare act i. scene v.]

Sbri. But to speak as you do, you must have studied the law.