Deep Waters, the Entire Collection

“Wot’s all this about?” ses one o’ the policemen.

I shook my ‘ead. “Ask me another,” I ses. “Your missus is causing a disturbance,” he ses.

“She’s not my missus,” I ses; “she’s a complete stranger to me.”

“And causing a crowd to collect and refusing to go away,” ses the other policeman.

“That’s your business,” I ses. “It’s nothing to do with me.”

They talked to each other for a moment, and then they spoke to the woman. I didn’t ‘ear wot she said, but I saw her shake her ‘ead, and a’most direckly arterwards she was marching away between the two policemen with the crowd follering and advising ‘er where to kick ‘em.

I was a bit worried at fust—not about her—and then I began to think that p’raps it was the best thing that could have ‘appened.

I went ‘ome in the morning with a load lifted off my mind; but I ‘adn’t been in the ‘ouse two seconds afore my missus started to put it on agin. Fust of all she asked me ‘ow I dared to come into the ‘ouse, and then she wanted to know wot I meant by leaving her at ‘ome and going out for the day with another woman.

“You told me to,” I ses.

“Oh, yes,” she ses, trembling with temper. “You always do wot I tell you, don’t you? Al-ways ‘ave, especially when it’s anything you like.”

She fetched a bucket o’ water and scrubbed the kitchen while I was having my brekfuss, but I kept my eye on ‘er, and, the moment she ‘ad finished, I did the perlite and emptied the bucket for ‘er, to prevent mistakes.

I read about the case in the Sunday paper, and I’m thankful to say my name wasn’t in it. All the magistrate done was to make ‘er promise that she wouldn’t do it again, and then he let ‘er go. I should ha’ felt more comfortable if he ‘ad given ‘er five years, but, as it turned out, it didn’t matter. Her ‘usband happened to read it, and, whether ‘e was tired of living alone, or whether he was excited by ‘caring that she ‘ad got a little general shop, ‘e went back to her.

The fust I knew about it was they came round to the wharf to see me. He ‘ad been a fine-looking chap in ‘is day, and even then ‘e was enough like me for me to see ‘ow she ‘ad made the mistake; and all the time she was telling me ‘ow it ‘appened, he was looking me up and down and sniffing.

“‘Ave you got a cold?” I ses, at last.

“Wot’s that got to do with you?” he ses. “Wot do you mean by walking out with my wife? That’s what I’ve come to talk about.”

For a moment I thought that his bad luck ‘ad turned ‘is brain. “You’ve got it wrong,” I ses, as soon as I could speak. “She walked out with me.”

“Cos she thought you was her ‘usband,” he ses, “but you didn’t think you was me, did you?”

“‘Course I didn’t,” I ses.

“Then ‘ow dare you walk out with ‘er?” he ses.

“Look ‘ere!” I ses. “You get off ‘ome as quick as you like. I’ve ‘ad about enough of your family. Go on, hook it.”

Afore I could put my ‘ands up he ‘it me hard in the mouth, and the next moment we was at it as ‘ard as we could go. Nearly every time I hit ‘im he wasn’t there, and every time ‘e hit me I wished I hadn’t ha’ been. When I said I had ‘ad enough, ‘e contradicted me and kept on, but he got tired of it at last, and, arter telling me wot he would do if I ever walked ‘is wife out agin, they went off like a couple o’ love-birds.

By the time I got ‘ome next morning my eyes was so swelled up I could ‘ardly see, and my nose wouldn’t let me touch it. I was so done up I could ‘ardly speak, but I managed to tell my missus about it arter I had ‘ad a cup o’ tea. Judging by her face anybody might ha’ thought I was telling ‘er something funny, and, when I ‘ad finished, she looks up at the ceiling and ses:

“I ‘ope it’ll be a lesson to you,” she ses.

FAMILY CARES

Mr. Jernshaw, who was taking the opportunity of a lull in business to weigh out pound packets of sugar, knocked his hands together and stood waiting for the order of the tall bronzed man who had just entered the shop—a well-built man of about forty—who was regarding him with blue eyes set in quizzical wrinkles.

“What, Harry!” exclaimed Mr. Jernshaw, in response to the wrinkles. “Harry Barrett!”

“That’s me,” said the other, extending his hand. “The rolling stone come home covered with moss.”

Mr. Jernshaw, somewhat excited, shook hands, and led the way into the little parlour behind the shop.

“Fifteen years,” said Mr. Barrett, sinking into a chair, “and the old place hasn’t altered a bit.”

“Smithson told me he had let that house in Webb Street to a Barrett,” said the grocer, regarding him, “but I never thought of you. I suppose you’ve done well, then?”

Mr. Barrett nodded. “Can’t grumble,” he said modestly. “I’ve got enough to live on. Melbourne’s all right, but I thought I’d come home for the evening of my life.”

“Evening!” repeated his friend. “Forty-three,” said Mr. Barrett, gravely. “I’m getting on.”

“You haven’t changed much,” said the grocer, passing his hand through his spare grey whiskers. “Wait till you have a wife and seven youngsters. Why, boots alone–”

Mr. Barrett uttered a groan intended for sympathy. “Perhaps you could help me with the furnishing,” he said, slowly. “I’ve never had a place of my own before, and I don’t know much about it.”

“Anything I can do,” said his friend. “Better not get much yet; you might marry, and my taste mightn’t be hers.”

Mr. Barrett laughed. “I’m not marrying,” he said, with conviction.

“Seen anything of Miss Prentice yet?” inquired Mr. Jernshaw.

“No,” said the other, with a slight flush. “Why?”

“She’s still single,” said the grocer.

“What of it?” demanded Mr. Barrett, with warmth. “What of it?”

“Nothing,” said Mr. Jernshaw, slowly. “Nothing; only I–”

“Well?” said the other, as he paused.

“I—there was an idea that you went to Australia to—to better your condition,” murmured the grocer. “That—that you were not in a position to marry—that–”

“Boy and girl nonsense,” said Mr. Barrett, sharply. “Why, it’s fifteen years ago. I don’t suppose I should know her if I saw her. Is her mother alive?”

“Rather!” said Mr. Jernshaw, with emphasis. “Louisa is something like what her mother was when you went away.”

Mr. Barrett shivered.

“But you’ll see for yourself,” continued the other. “You’ll have to go and see them. They’ll wonder you haven’t been before.”

“Let ‘em wonder,” said the embarrassed Mr. Barrett. “I shall go and see all my old friends in their turn; casual-like. You might let ‘em hear that I’ve been to see you before seeing them, and then, if they’re thinking any nonsense, it’ll be a hint. I’m stopping in town while the house is being decorated; next time I come down I’ll call and see somebody else.”

“That’ll be another hint,” assented Mr. Jernshaw. “Not that hints are much good to Mrs. Prentice.”

“We’ll see,” said Mr. Barrett.