Finding the Ground Beneath the Feet

We didn’t come to a cemetery but to a house. At the house, a woman met us, not like the one who came to the ward, but a very different one. She was kind. She said her name was Ms. Elsa, but I could call her… mother. I cried again because I got Mother, a real one, can you imagine? And the one I called Mr. Death turned out to be Dad. And the curly-haired boy’s name was Herman. I was definitely in a fairytale because that couldn’t have happened to me.

«Do you want us to adopt you?» my new dad asked me.

«Can I not be adopted?» I asked and explained immediately, «Well, not for real because I could pretend that Herman was my fiancе and I would have a future.»

Dad smiled, and the boy (he heard what I said too) seemed to be on the verge of tears.

«Do you need a fiancе for the future?» Mother smiled.

«Well, if there is a fiancе,» I shared my thoughts, «Then one day there will be a family… I know I’m going to die anyway, but just for fun, can I?»

My mother cried and allowed it, and Herman hugged me and told me how good I was. It got so warm, it was impossibly good. I had no words at all, only tears. I cried a lot that day, more than I think I had cried in my whole life.

At lunch, it turned out that I had little willpower, and the pain made the tears flow. Dad even scolded me a little.

«You mustn’t tolerate pain,» he said while caressing me. «If it hurts, you have to tell me.»

I was ready for Daddy to take the belt, but he caressed and scolded me so gently that I wanted to cry again.

«Aren’t you going to give me to a psychiatrist?» I asked because… well… «No psychiatrist, please.»

«Poor baby,» my mother hugged me. «What have you been through…»

«No one will give you to a psychiatrist.»

I noticed that those words made Herman look very pale. He must have been afraid of that liar too. Dad told me that he would help me stop the pain. And I believed it, of course. Then, Herman took the spoon from my trembling hands and began to feed me like a baby. I didn’t want to eat, but I had to be obedient…

«Let’s eat some more,» the boy told me. «Then, you can rest while I do my homework»

«Can I come too?» I asked him as piteously as I could, and my «fiancе» agreed.

Herman didn’t mind being a fiancе at all. I even asked him why, and he answered:

«You’re a miracle,» he said and caressed my head so tenderly that I squeezed my eyes shut in pleasure.

Oh, I forgot! It turned out that I was ten years old and almost a year away from the dreaded academy. And I didn’t look like Mariana in the mirror, not at all. So I definitely died and became a new person. Someone wrote about this in some books, I don’t remember the name. The academy was in the book, so I thought: if the surnames are the same, then I’m in the book, right?

Herman got down to his lessons, and I rolled closer: not to distract him, but to be busy with something. He put the history book in front of me and told me not to distract him. So I was reading the story without distracting him and imagining that if I had distracted him, he would have been very upset, and I didn’t want to upset my «fiancе», even if it was just for fun. Herman was doing his exercises and was upset because something was wrong. I looked in his notebook and almost immediately saw that he had mixed up the minus in the beginning with the plus. I used to make that mistake too, that’s why I noticed it. I was sitting and worrying about it, and Herman was worrying too, so I couldn’t resist it.

«Herman,» I called him softly and touched his sleeve. «May I disturb you, and later you can beat me up for it?»

«Oh…» The boy was angry at first, but then, when he heard what I was suggesting, he just hugged me and held me tight. «You little kitten.» It was so tender that I sobbed. «What’s wrong with my dear one?»

Herman was so much older than me, wise, so kind, and affectionate… I just couldn’t help crying.

«You’ve mixed up the minus with the plus here,» I pointed out cautiously and immediately squeezed my eyes shut in fear.

«Thank you, kitten,» the boy thanked me softly and stroked my eyes so that they opened. Somehow he wasn’t angry with me at all, even though I disturbed him.

Then, he quickly finished his homework and started asking me about history – well, about what I had read. Somewhere in the middle, I got scared for some reason, and Herman somehow sensed it and stopped asking me questions, although I expected him to scold me because I’d forgotten half of it. But my «fiancе» somehow figured it out, put the book down, hugged me, then put me to bed and wanted to leave, but I gave him such a pitiful look that he stayed.

* * *

At dinner, I couldn’t eat on my own again, so Herman fed me and Dad was frowning for some reason. I got a little scared. If it hadn’t been for the nappy, I probably would have peed myself, but Dad had thought of everything, and I just… well… Daddy said that a lot of people pee after a ca-the-ter and it’s no big deal, the nappy was just to make me feel comfortable and prevent me from crying. It was so weird that someone would care about me. Dad also said that he would think of some ways to help me, and I was a little afraid.

When I was Mariana, I was usually punished in the evenings, so this evening, without a reminder, I rolled to Dad and climbed to his lap with my belly so that he could punish me because I was guilty of many things.

Dad didn’t even understand what I was doing. He was silent and only held me with his hands to keep me from falling.

«What are you doing, little girl?» Mother asked.

«Well, I’ve done something wrong today,» I explained, trying to catch my breath. «So I need to be punished»

As I looked around, I saw Herman’s big eyes. He was very surprised but I didn’t understand why.

«What did you do wrong?» Mum asked, showing something to Daddy.

He lifted me and laid me on his lap. I raised my skirt myself but I couldn’t move my panties, I mean, my nappy.

«Well, I distracted Herman, then I couldn’t eat on my own, and then…» I started speaking more and more quietly because I was getting scared again. «Also, I failed to answer some questions…»

«Herman?» Mother called out.

«Rie helped me with an exercise. And the fact that she didn’t remember everything from the history book… No one expected her to,» the ’fiancе» explained.

From the beginning, he immediately started calling me «Rie’ instead of «Gabriella’, and I didn’t mind because it sounded very gentle. I couldn’t see what Herman was doing now.

«Daughter, do you want to be punished?» Dad finally spoke up and caressed my back. «Or do you just think you’ll be punished anyway?»

«Being punished makes me breathe easier and I’m not so scared,» I admitted. Well, what if he chased me away?

«Are you afraid of pain?»

Dad, of course, felt that I was shrinking, so he also patted me on the head.

«That someone will chase me away,» I answered quietly.

It was a pity I couldn’t see their faces in my position.

Then, my dad put me back in the chair. He got up and went away, then came back with a stethoscope (this is a tool with two tubes that helps to listen to your chest).

«No one will ever chase you away,» Mother said sternly. «You are our daughter forever, remember?»

«Yes,» I nodded, which made my eyes dim. «So what about the punishment?»

«You haven’t deserved it yet,» Dad murmured thoughtfully, listening to something. «I think it’s a restriction[3 - Impaired lung expansion on inhalation.], but why?»

«It depends on the anamnesis[4 - Anamnesis – a medical or/and life history.],» Mother said unclearly.