Mission: Soldier to Daddy

“What makes you think I am?” Ollie asked, looking down then back up at him. “It wasn’t like I was great at talking or listening before you left.”

Luke didn’t know what to say. He watched her, his wife, and wondered how things had gotten to this point. How he’d let her slip away. She was the best thing that had ever happened to him, and instead of admitting that he’d run like a scared rabbit, because it had been easier than dealing with whatever had been going on with them. “Is there any way we can make this work, for Charlie’s sake?”

Ollie just stared at him, her mouth pursed, eyebrows forming an angry frown. He’d expected to take her by surprise, but he hadn’t expected that look.

Besides, he’d said the wrong thing. It wasn’t just for Charlie’s sake, it was because he still loved her, and instead of telling her that he’d managed to insult her.

Luke wanted to hold her, talk to her, listen to what she had to say, as he used to do. But it was as if there was nothing left between them, and asking for a second chance wasn’t something he knew how to do.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“Sorry’s not good enough, Luke.”

Ollie wanted to hit him, curse at him, yell—but she couldn’t. Fight, that’s what she wanted. To fight him, argue, get it all out, but she didn’t want to go down that path again, because if she thought of the months before Luke had gone, the weeks right before he’d left, that’s all she could remember. Picking fights, wanting to punish him somehow for telling her he didn’t want to be a dad, instead of making him open up to her and explain why.

Their marriage was over; she knew that. But it was time they discussed their problems like the adults they were, instead of the young kids they’d been when they’d married.

“Charlie needs both his parents, Luke, but us being together isn’t a reality.”

Luke watched her, giving nothing away. Then he sighed. “I know.”

Give him a star for trying, but even he knew there was no hope. She knew if he was serious about them he would have acted on it sooner. Would have made more of an effort and not let it get to this point. Wouldn’t have walked away in the first place, or would have at least come back before now.

“You walked out on our marriage, Luke. I know I was partly to blame, but I would never, ever have walked away from you.”

He nodded, palms flat on the table, his foot tapping insistently on the floor as if he wanted to get up and walk away right now.

“Luke …” She paused, not sure how to say what she needed to tell him. “Luke, I just don’t know if I could love you anymore.” There, she’d said it. Said the words that had been choking her for weeks, months, years even. A weight lifted like a veil that had been suffocating her. Because what had happened between them had changed everything.

“I understand.” His voice was deep. Full of emotion. “Of course I understand.”

She paused again, pushing her fears back down her throat, sucking back the tears. “Then what are we doing here? Why are we pretending that it’s okay you’re back here staying with us?” Ollie stood up and paused at the window. Touched her head to the cool of the glass.

She felt rather than heard him rise. He was standing behind her. Every hair on her body stood at attention, aware of him being so close. Too close.

“We’re married, Ollie. We have a son. That does still mean something.”

Ollie turned, her eyes locking hard on to his. She knew it meant something, but he couldn’t just walk back into their lives and expect her to fall in a heap at his feet. She had to protect her own heart, and her son’s. It wasn’t just about her and Luke anymore. It hadn’t been since Charlie had been born.

“Those things aren’t enough to make us work. To make this work. We need to be good parents, nothing more. What we had has gone, and we don’t need to stay married for Charlie to be happy.”

Tears flowed freely down her cheeks. She acknowledged their cold, wet presence and didn’t try to stop them.

“I don’t want him growing up without a family.” Luke punched out the words. “Because then I’d be putting him through what I went through, and I can’t live with that.”

“Neither do I,” she snapped back, unable to hide how angry she was. Luke had made it obvious that she had nothing to do with why he wanted to possibly stay married, but was it just because he didn’t want to repeat his own past, or something more? “Do you really think we could be together again, after all this time of growing apart?”

He shrugged, a noncommittal movement of the shoulders that told her nothing.

“You left me, alone, all that time, and I don’t think I’ll ever get over that.”

“Now you’re being unreasonable!” he bellowed, his soft demeanor disappearing quicker than it had arrived. “I had no choice. You knew my duty when you married me, and things were already bad well before I left.” He shook his head. “When I called and heard your voice on the phone, when I rang and then had to hang up as soon as you answered, I didn’t know where to start, or what I could say.”

“You said you’d leave the army for me, Luke.” She wasn’t ready to admit that their marriage had already been teetering too close to the edge before she’d found out he was leaving. Or to acknowledge the fact that he had tried to call her more often than he had. “You promised. And then you walked out on our marriage like it meant nothing to you.”

“I had to go, Ollie. Leaving my boys over there would have been wrong and you know it.” His voice went soft, low. “But what I did to you, leaving, was unforgivable and not a day has gone past that I haven’t wished things could have been different.”

She knew her last comment had been a low blow; she shouldn’t have said it. But it was what she had held so close for so long. Thought about when she’d lain awake at night, alone, with no husband next to her in the bed. When they’d hit a rough patch he’d taken the easy option and just left, when all she’d wanted was for him to fight for her. No matter what had happened, how hard things had been, all she’d wished for was that he could prove to her that he’d married her for more than just the sake of her being pregnant. That she wasn’t being used by men like her mom had been.

“I can’t do this again, Luke. We can’t make this work.”

She’d only just got over him. Just managed to move on, and now he was asking for what? A second chance? Was he just trying to make sure she’d let him see his son? Because she’d never stop him from being in Charlie’s life.

Luke strode the two steps to stand before her, to tower over her small frame. “No.”

“No?”

“You heard me.” His voice was determined now, commanding rather than questioning. “I did my duty, served my country. The way I left you makes me a crappy husband, but it doesn’t mean I don’t deserve a chance to at least be a better dad, Ollie.”

Ollie stayed silent. She didn’t trust her voice. She should have been grateful that it was his son he wanted, but a little voice cried out in her mind, because it would have felt so good to know he wanted her, too. To hear him say he’d do anything to be back in her life again.

“I want to be there for Charlie.”

“But, Luke …” Her voice cracked as he reached out one hand to steady her shaking arm.

Her voice was barely a whisper when she finally spoke again. “I can’t put us in a position to be left again. You need to prove yourself to me, Luke, and to Charlie, before you can be his full-time dad. Right now you’re like a new toy, but how long before the batteries fail and you’re gone again?”

She held his gaze, kept her chin high. She was not going to allow her heart to be broken again. This was it, and she couldn’t take a chance on trusting him when she didn’t know how long he’d be here, and how long he’d be gone next time. It had been too easy for him to leave, and now he’d come back to them, hoping to start again.

“I want a divorce, Luke.” The words were hard to say, but she had to tell him. Because if she didn’t she’d be kidding herself and him.

“A divorce?” He stepped back as if she’d hit him.

“I’m sorry,” she sobbed, tears making it hard to speak as she walked away. “I just can’t do this. Not again. What we had didn’t work, Luke, and we both need to understand that.”

All Olivia had ever wanted was a family of her own, a husband who loved her, but that fantasy was past its use-by date. It was just her and Charlie, and she couldn’t let Luke thunder back into their lives like a tornado. Charlie needed a father who hung around, or was at least a whole lot better at staying in touch when he wasn’t.

“Olivia.”

She heard Luke say her name, but she didn’t want to turn around.

“Olivia, please.”

But there were no words he could say right now to change how she felt.

CHAPTER FOUR

OLLIE’S CHEEKS HURT. She could hear her own laughter echoing around them as Luke twirled her, over and over again.