Английские анекдоты / English Jokes

“Don’t all the newspapers make you tired, my boy?”

“No, I don’t read them,” replied the boy.

* * *

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all times.

The engineer chose the wheel, which gave humanity power over space. The physicist chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter.

The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols. The mystic chose the thermos bottle.

“Why a thermos bottle?” the others asked. “Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer.”

“Yes – so what?” “Think about it.” said the mystic reverently. “That little bottle – how does it know?”

* * *

The general went out to find that none of his GIs[33 - GI – солдат, подчинённый] were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.[34 - panting heavily – задыхаясь]

“Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”

The general was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the GI go.

Moments later, eight more GIs came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.

“Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”

The general eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too.

A ninth GI jogged up to the general, panting heavily. “Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but…”

“Let me guess,” the general interrupted, “it broke down.”

“No,” said the GI, “there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them.”

* * *

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something about it.

So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.

Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm[35 - beat the alarm – встал раньше будильника] in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

“Boss”, he said, “The pill actually worked!”

“That’s all fine”, said the boss. “But where were you yesterday?”

* * *

A young man at a New Year’s party turns to his friend and asks for a cigarette.

“I thought you made a New Year’s resolution to quit smoking,” his friend says.

“I’m in the process of quitting,” the guy replies. “Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.”

“And what’s phase one?”

“I’ve quit buying.”

* * *

Newly wed wife to her husband:

“That is why I can’t stand you[36 - I can’t stand you – я не могу тебя выносить] – you are so unpredictable. On Monday you liked the potatoes, Tuesday you liked the potatoes, Wednesday you liked the potatoes, Thursday you said you loved the potatoes preparation, Friday you liked the potatoes, Saturday you liked the potatoes and now all of a sudden on Sunday you say that you don’t like potatoes.”

* * *

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the physiatrist began his therapy session.

“I’m not aware of your problem,” the doctor said. “So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning.”

“Of course,” replied the patient. “In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth…”

* * *

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road.

As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, “PIG!!!”

The man immediately leans out his window and replies, “BITCH!!!”

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig wandering in the middle of the road…

* * *

A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat.

The police stop him and say that he can’t drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo.

The man agrees and drives off.

The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again he is stopped by the same police officer who says, “Hey! I thought I told you to take those to the zoo.”

The man replies, “I did. Today I’m taking them to the movies.”

* * *

A police officer in a small town stopped a driver who was speeding down Main Street.