Llama Drama

Come on, you wanna try?”

Huh! Lamar could easily beat his sister. She was only a girl, after all, and younger than him by a couple of seasons. But if she were to win – oh, man, he would never hold his neck up high again. Even he had to admit, Latisha was one tough llama. It was possible, in a couple of years, that she might even beat her brothers and, oh, what a terrible day that would be!

No, Lamar couldn’t take that kind of risk. So he pretended he hadn’t heard his sister’s challenge and moved off, looking for a nearby fence post. He rubbed his head against it to clear the spit from his topknot and try to smarten himself up. Lamar might not have beaten Leo today, but he could still be the farmer’s new Guard Llama. After all, size wasn’t everything. He was more athletic than Leo. He had the legs. And looks were important too. Lamar had a much finer profile. Wasn’t that why Mama Llama had given him his second name: Lincoln?

“After the president, Abraham Lincoln,” she told him. “So distinguished.”

Lamar rubbed his topknot until it was standing tall, then he shook it so it fell over his eyes. A pretty cool look, in his opinion. Tomorrow, if he impressed Farmer Palmer, he could still turn out to be the winner.

Lamar trotted down to a corner of the field where his youngest sisters – and some of their attractive friends – hung out. Who cares about Leo? he asked himself, I’m certainly the girls’ favourite.

The young llamas crowded round him, batting their eyelashes and giggling. Lamar gave them a friendly nudge and a wink. Oh, yes, he had a way with females. When I’m Guard Llama, he thought, I’ll have that flock of silly sheep following me around. Just watch me.

“Tchhh,” Latisha tutted to herself and tossed her head. “Honestly!”

What a poser her brother was. And what an idiot. She could have neck-wrestled Lamar to the ground, no problem! Maybe not Leo yet, but give her a year or two... Her brothers didn’t impress her one little bit. But then Latisha had something neither of them had: an active brain.

There was no good reason why she shouldn’t be Farmer Palmer’s Guard Llama. Where did it say it couldn’t be a girl? she’d asked Mama Llama. Life was so unfair.

If Latisha were in charge of the llama world, things would run very differently. She would lay down some rules of her own… No spitting, for a start. It just wasn’t necessary in her view. The way Leo had done it so sneakily too, just when Lamar wasn’t looking.

Instead, there would be properly organised contests, real tests of strength and endurance. After that, the winner would have to take an intelligence test, which would rule out most of her family. Oh, they all liked to think they were clever, but none of them were in Latisha’s league.

But even Latisha had to admit that, compared to sheep, llamas were like the Einsteins of the animal world. In her opinion, sheep were really dumb. D-U-M-B, dumb. Dumb as…

Hmmm, now she thought more about it, Latisha had to ask herself, why? Why would anyone want to leave their own herd, to hang out with those woolly-brained mutts? All alone too! Llamas were social animals. They weren’t meant for a solitary life. No, she didn’t really want the job – she just wanted to beat her brothers!

Latisha looked for a quiet corner to make her plan, where she wouldn’t be distracted by the sight of that big-headed brother, Leo, still puffing himself up and acting like he’d already won. Or that idiot, Lamar, and his even more idiotic fan club.

“Tchhh,” she tutted again. Oh, why couldn’t they all be more like her? Latisha wondered.

Later that evening, when the family gathered together, Mama and Papa Llama nuzzled each other fondly. They congratulated themselves yet again on what a good job they’d done with their children.

Tomorrow was a big day for all of them. Whichever one Farmer Palmer chose – Leo, Lamar, or even Latisha – Mama and Papa Llama would be happy. They were glad to see that, for now at least, the three young llamas appeared to have put aside their quarrels. They were discussing what it might really mean, if they did get chosen.

“It’d mean leaving the family forever,” Lamar pointed out a little nervously.

“Just to babysit a load of brainless sheep,” grumbled Leo.

“Having to fight off any crafty coyotes out there, all on your own!” Latisha added.

But this thought again stirred up her brothers’ competitiveness.

“Pfff,” Leo huffed. “I feel sorry for any coyote crazy enough to come sniffing around my flock of sheep,” he bragged.

“Just one crazy coyote?” Lamar scoffed. “A whole pack of coyotes could attack my flock and they’d still be able to sleep like babies.”

“One llama? Against a whole pack!” said Latisha dismissively. “Tchhh! What planet are you on, brother? You’d need a plan, a strategy and, let’s face it, I’m the only one with the brains to deliver that.”

The llamas were soon bickering again, until their attention was drawn to a small crowd that had gathered round their other brother, Lewie, the next oldest male llama in the family. Lewie was showing off again!

“Oh, boy,” sniffed Leo.

“What an embarrassment,” hissed Lamar.

“Tchhh,” tutted Latisha.

Suddenly, the three were united once more. If there was one thing they could absolutely agree on it was this – tomorrow, when Farmer Palmer came to choose his new Guard Llama, the one he would definitely not be choosing was Loopy Lewie!

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ewie was performing – again. He could never resist playing to the crowd. There was nothing he liked better than to be surrounded by a sea of adoring faces. The young llama had just run through some of his circus tricks – his juggling was always a crowd pleaser. Now, by popular demand, he was doing his famous impressions. He stuck out his chest, swung his bottom from side to side and asked, “Who’s this?”

“Farmer Palmer!” everyone cried out, easily recognising the farmer’s waddling walk. Next he did the farmer’s kind but fussy wife, with her bobbing head and fast footsteps. Then their cute little daughter, Millie, skipping along, humming to herself... The llamas stamped their feet in appreciation, especially Liberty, Lewie’s twin sister. She was Lewie’s biggest fan.

“OK, who’s this?” Lewie asked, before launching into another instantly recognisable impression. This time he imitated his swaggering brother, puffing himself up and chanting, “Who’s the greatest?”

“Leo!” everyone shouted and cheered.

“And this?”

“Lamar!” They screamed with laughter when Lewie shook his topknot, pretending to be oh, so cool.

Even Latisha laughed… well… brayed actually. She always enjoyed seeing Lamar embarrassed. But she soon stopped laughing.

“How about this?” Lewie asked next. He shook his head and stuck his nose in the air, all the while tutting, “Tchhh! Tchhh! Tchhh! Honestly!”

“Latisha!” The llamas almost cried with laughter. They started copying Lewie’s impression, tutting at each other, their noses in the air.

“Not so funny now?” Lamar asked, enjoying the sight of his sister’s red face.

“More! More!” the llamas cried.

But Lewie quickly moved on to something new. He’d been practising and was keen to try it out on an audience.

“Watch this, everyone!” he said. “Watch me die.”

Lewie went into a long, slow, lingering death scene, where he pretended to have been shot. He began with a high, piercing scream and clutched his heart. Then, moaning and groaning, he fell on to his back legs… then his front legs gave way and he rolled heavily on to the ground. Just when everyone thought he’d completely expired, Lewie suddenly dragged himself to his feet. He staggered a few steps, still groaning, before crashing magnificently to the ground once more – lifeless at last.

Mama Llama gasped, convinced he must have broken every bone in his body. The other llamas held their breath. One or two of the younger ones genuinely thought he’d died and began to cry. So the surprise was even greater when Lewie leapt to his feet, totally unharmed, and shouted “Ta-daa!” before taking several bows.

“More! More! More!” the llamas brayed.

Mama Llama stamped her feet in appreciation too, but Papa Llama just shook his head, not exactly in despair, but something like it. He’d never known what to make of Lewie. The boy was a total mystery to his father.

Leo, Lamar and Latisha didn’t share their mama’s admiration either. They thought Lewie was a dis-as-ter. They’d always made fun of him, calling him Loopy Lewie and Lewie the Loser and, in Latisha’s case, Drama Llama. Not to mention other, even meaner, names at times.

Lewie was used to them ganging up on him. And he would be the first to admit that he was different. But he didn’t understand them any better than they understood him.