The Story of the Gadsbys

CAPT. G. (Angrily, his eyes still lowered.) No! The thing has come to an end on my side. That’s all. Mafisch!

MRS. H. “That’s all. Mafisch!” As though I were a Cairene Dragoman. You used to make prettier speeches. D’you remember when you said? —

CAPT. G. For Heaven’s sake don’t bring that back! Call me anything you like and I’ll admit it —

MRS. H. But you don’t care to be reminded of old lies? If I could hope to hurt you one-tenth as much as you have hurt me to-night – No, I wouldn’t – I couldn’t do it – liar though you are.

CAPT. G. I’ve spoken the truth.

MRS. H. My dear Sir, you flatter yourself. You have lied over the reason. Pip, remember that I know you as you don’t know yourself. You have been everything to me, though you are – (Fan-guard.) Oh, what a contemptible Thing it is! And so you are merely tired of me?

CAPT. G. Since you insist upon my repeating it – Yes.

MRS. H. Lie the first. I wish I knew a coarser word. Lie seems so in-effectual in your case. The fire has just died out and there is no fresh one? Think for a minute, Pip, if you care whether I despise you more than I do. Simply Mafisch, is it?

CAPT. G. Yes. (Aside.) I think I deserve this.

MRS. H. Lie number two. Before the next glass chokes you, tell me her name.

CAPT. G. (Aside.) I’ll make her pay for dragging Minnie into the business! (Aloud.) Is it likely?

MRS. H. Very likely if you thought that it would flatter your vanity. You’d cry my name on the house-tops to make people turn round.

CAPT. G. I wish I had. There would have been an end to this business.

MRS. H. Oh, no, there would not – And so you were going to be virtuous and blase’, were you? To come to me and say: “I’ve done with you. The incident is clo-osed.” I ought to be proud of having kept such a man so long.

CAPT. G. (Aside.) It only remains to pray for the end of the dinner. (Aloud.) You know what I think of myself.

MRS. H. As it’s the only person in he world you ever do think of, and as I know your mind thoroughly, I do. You want to get it all over and – Oh, I can’t keep you back! And you’re going – think of it, Pip – to throw me over for another woman. And you swore that all other women were – Pip, my Pip! She can’t care for you as I do. Believe me, she can’t. Is it any one that I know?

CAPT. G. Thank Goodness it isn’t. (Aside.) I expected a cyclone, but not an earthquake.

MRS. H. She can’t! Is there anything that I wouldn’t do for you – or haven’t done? And to think that I should take this trouble over you, knowing what you are! Do you despise me for it?

CAPT. G. (Wiping his mouth to hide a smile.) Again? It’s entirely a work of charity on your part.

MRS. H. Ahhh! But I have no right to resent it. – Is she better-looking than I? Who was it said? —

CAPT. G. No – not that!

MRS. H. I’ll be more merciful than you were. Don’t you know that all women are alike?

CAPT. G. (Aside.) Then this is the exception that proves the rule.

MRS. H. All of them! I’ll tell you anything you like. I will, upon my word! They only want the admiration – from anybody – no matter who – anybody! But there is always one man that they care for more than any one else in the world, and would sacrifice all the others to. Oh, do listen! I’ve kept the Vaynor man trotting after me like a poodle, and he believes that he is the only man I am interested in. I’ll tell you what he said to me.

CAPT. G. Spare him. (Aside.) I wonder what his version is.

MRS. H. He’s been waiting for me to look at him all through dinner. Shall I do it, and you can see what an idiot he looks?

CAPT. G. “But what imports the nomination of this gentleman?”

MRS. H. Watch! (Sends a glance to the Vaynor man, who tries vainly to combine a mouthful of ice pudding, a smirk of self-satisfaction, a glare of intense devotion, and the stolidity of a British dining countenance.)

CAPT. G. (Critically.) He doesn’t look pretty. Why didn’t you wait till the spoon was out of his mouth?

MRS. H. To amuse you. She’ll make an exhibition of you as I’ve made of him; and people will laugh at you. Oh, Pip, can’t you see that? It’s as plain as the noonday Sun. You’ll be trotted about and told lies, and made a fool of like the others. I never made a fool of you, did I?

CAPT. G. (Aside.) What a clever little woman it is!

MRS. H. Well, what have you to say?

CAPT. G. I feel better.

MRS. H. Yes, I suppose so, after I have come down to your level. I couldn’t have done it if I hadn’t cared for you so much. I have spoken the truth.

CAPT. G. It doesn’t alter the situation.

MRS. H. (Passionately.) Then she has said that she cares for you! Don’t believe her, Pip. It’s a lie – as bad as yours to me!

CAPT. G. Ssssteady! I’ve a notion that a friend of yours is looking at you.

MRS. H. He! I hate him. He introduced you to me.

CAPT. G. (Aside.) And some people would like women to assist in making the laws. Introduction to imply condonement. (Aloud.) Well, you see, if you can remember so far back as that, I couldn’t, in’ common politeness, refuse the offer.

MRS. H. In common politeness I We have got beyond that!

CAPT. G. (Aside.) Old ground means fresh trouble. (Aloud.) On my honor

MRS. H. Your what? Ha, ha!

CAPT. G. Dishonor, then. She’s not what you imagine. I meant to —

MRS. H. Don’t tell me anything about her! She won’t care for you, and when you come back, after having made an exhibition of yourself, you’ll find me occupied with —

CAPT. G. (Insolently.) You couldn’t while I am alive. (Aside.) If that doesn’t bring her pride to her rescue, nothing will.

MRS. H. (Drawing herself up.) Couldn’t do it? I’ (Softening.) You’re right. I don’t believe I could – though you are what you are – a coward and a liar in grain.

CAPT. G. It doesn’t hurt so much after your little lecture – with demonstrations.

MRS. H. One mass of vanity! Will nothing ever touch you in this life? There must be a Hereafter if it’s only for the benefit of – But you will have it all to yourself.

CAPT. G. (Under his eyebrows.) Are you certain of that?

MRS. H. I shall have had mine in this life; and it will serve me right.