It was almost there. A play for 4 people. Comedy
Suddenly Danil screams in panic, accidentally glancing out the window.
Danil (frightened). AHHH!
Oleg jerks back. He also looks out the window, then at Danil. Can't figure out what happened.
Oleg (confused, excited). What? What happened?
Danil (nervously, rubbing his eyes and looking out the window again). Do you see that?
Oleg (trying to see what's going on outside the window). I don't see anything like that. They are sitting, drinking something!
Danil (roaring). Something?!!!! They're drinking my collectible cognac!!! I was saving it for a special occasion, but not for this one! Well, Irka, well, bitch, hold on!!!
Danil breaks off and runs furiously to the traitors.
Oleg looks surprised at Danil's reaction. She follows him with her eyes. It seems like he's going to leave, but it's interesting what will happen.
Peeping through the window.
There is a knock on the door, or rather even its removal (door).
Screams, screeching, dishes, fighting …
all this is hidden by the music that has appeared and completes the scene.
Blackout. Silence.
ZTM.
Scene 5. Ladies.
The scene is conventionally divided into two parts. With musical accompaniment, Irina and Nina are each doing business in their apartment. The viewer sees both ladies at the same time. Cleaning, cooking, washing. Everything is like everyone else's.
Irina picks up the phone, calls Nina.
The musical accompaniment subsides and ends.
Nina's phone rings, she looks at the screen, sees who is calling, picks up the phone.
Nina (into the phone, positively, encouraging conversation). Irishe, hello.
Irina (into the phone, positively). Hi, Ninul. How's life – swing?
Nina (into the phone, positively, shaking off a dust rag). Oh, Irishka, Masha – just hold on.
Irina (into the phone, positively). Well done, that's the way it should be. What are you doing there? Do you want to do the housework?
Nina (into the phone, positive, exhaling). I'm busy where to go. Who will do everything? Although, I admit, sometimes I harness Oleg. It happens that he scrubs the floors and washes the dishes. We have equality on all fronts. And while he's at work, I've been busy.
Irina (into the phone, positively). Oh, how great everything is with you! It's not like that with me! On Danila, you know, where you sit, you get off there. The household is all on me. So that he scrubbed the floors, or washed the dishes… This is him, even if he sooooooo much messed up, he still won't do it. It's the same thing every day. The morning begins with the fact that Danil starts swearing the alarm clock. Moreover, he swears the same way every time! No variety. Then breakfast, work. I came home from work and put my ass on the sofa. And then either beer and TV, or a smartphone in your hands, or all together, which is most often. This is everyday life.
On weekends, everything is about the same, except for the first two items, the alarm clock and work. So there is no question of any help in the household, even-even.
Nina (into the phone, positive, exhaling). Mm…
Irina (into the phone, with interest). Listen? So, do you have your Olezhek who also cooks?
Nina (into the phone, calmly). Things happen. It is not necessary to expect much culinary delights from him, but to cook porridge, soup, scrambled eggs in a hurry – it's easy.
Irina (into the phone, surprised). Wow…
Nina (into the phone, calmly). On weekends, he likes to bake cookies, or waffles. By the way, I was just going to tomorrow. I've already bought margarine. I put flour in reserve, sugar. In general, it takes aim.
Irina (into the phone, with intrigue). Sluuuushaaay…
Nina (into the phone, with interest). Mm…???
Irina (into the phone, with intrigue). A..m.... well, I want to try. You're really intrigued.
Nina (into the phone, positively). What's the problem? Come on! I'll tell you that you and Danil will come, let him bake his cookies for two portions!
Irina (into the phone, happily). Super! Then we'll be with you tomorrow!
Nina (into the phone, positively). Swept away!
They put down the tubes.
The musical theme continues.
Irina is happy. The insidious plan is read in her eyes.
Nina continues to do household chores at ease, completely without any ulterior motive.
The music stops.
ZTM.
Scene 6. Dialogues in the dark.
Late evening. It's almost night.
It's dark in Irina and Danil's apartment, the lights are already off, the couple is trying to fall asleep.
Yawns and sighs of Irina and Danil are heard. Both turn over, the creaking of the sofa (bed) is heard.
Irina's voice (dissatisfied). Yes, it's good to put your legs on me, and it's so hot, there's also you with your hairline. Consider that you are covering with the second blanket.
Danil's voice (dissatisfied). And you take your head off my side. These thin hairs of yours are crawling into my mouth and nose, they don't let me sleep. I'll cut it, by God I'll cut it. Under Kotovsky! When you get to the handle, I'll get tired of spitting your hair and perform a sacred ritual while you sleep.
Irina's voice (dissatisfied). If you cut my hair off, I'll grab something else for you. They're hanging around anyway.
Danil's voice (after a pause, thinking it over, smoothing out the corners). That's why I love my wife, so it's for the ability to resolve conflicts. You see how cleverly you manage to come to a consensus. And come in such a way that in the end both sides were dissatisfied. As it was bad, so it remains bad, nothing changes. But the consensus!
Irina's voice (dissatisfied). You… this… Come on, don't speak out, otherwise I will determine the eunuchs without any consensus.
Danil's voice (calm, yawning). Okay, okay, let's go to bed already. We still have to buy something in time tomorrow, not to go empty-handed. And what is it, by the way, that we were invited to visit? They didn't call, they didn't call, and then on you …
Irina's voice (deliberately surprised). Yes, I don't even know myself, somehow it turned out that way. We talked to Nina on the phone, word for word – invited her. I think, and what is not there?
Danil's voice (calm). In principle, yes.
Irina's voice (agreeing). Well.
Danil's voice (calm, yawning). Okay, we'll go tomorrow. Let's chat, have a drink… But that's tomorrow, and now let's go to sleep.
Irina's voice (agreeing). Come on.
Danil's voice (after a short pause). Did you set the alarm?
Irina's voice (calmly). Yes, I have it.
Danil's voice (calmly). And I don't have it.
Irina's voice (sarcastically).
Danil's voice (indignantly). Alarm clock, I mean!
Irina's voice (with understanding). Oh, that's what you mean. God be with him, don't bet. I think we'll get up.
Danil's voice (calmly). Okay, good night.
Irina's voice (calmly). And you.
The music changing the scene begins to play softly.
Irina's voice (outraged cry). Where are you going with your feet again, well!!!
Danil's voice (nervously, shouting). And you shut your head!
The nervous altercation of Danil and Irina is hidden by the background of the growing music.
The music grows and subsides, ends.
…
The same late evening, almost night, but now in Nina and Oleg's apartment.
The lights are also turned off, a married couple is trying to fall asleep.
Nina and Oleg yawn and sigh. Both turn over, the creaking of the sofa (bed) is heard.
Nina's voice (calm, cautious). I see you can't sleep either, right?
Oleg's voice (calm, cheerful, not smelling of sleep). Yes, something is not in one eye at all. And you need to sleep. Tomorrow this fuss, guests… Why did you decide to call them? They're like a cat and a dog. We will sit and listen to their complaints about each other.
Nina's voice (calm, cautious). They seem to have got used a little, maybe it will do?
Oleg's voice (skeptically). Got used to it? I'm begging you. One is a badass, the other is not a badass. It might be so nice when your whole life is like on a volcano, but when this volcano is in your apartment, then there is hardly anything worth waiting for.
Nina's voice (calm, coaxing). Oleg, they very rarely come to us, as we do to them. Besides, I've already called. Do not refuse now.
Oleg's voice (humbly). No, no, of course not.
Nina's voice (delicately). Treat them with your cookies, let them be jealous of what a handy husband I have …
Oleg's voice (kindly). Okay, okay .., let them envy. Ah …, patience and strength to us. Good night, dear.
Nina's voice (kindly). Good night, darling.
The musical theme begins to sound smoothly.
Nina's heroic snoring is heard.
Oleg's voice (dissatisfied). Come on, eeeeeeeee....
The musical background increases, leaving the scene disappearing into the darkness with a slight anticipation.
The music stops.
ZTM.
Scene 7. Guests.
Positive loud music!
Nina and Oleg's apartment.
Nina and Oleg joyfully greet the guests who have just entered (Irina and Danila).
Oleg in a kitchen apron, hands in flour. Nina in a beautiful party dress. Danil is dressed in a strict style, dark suit. Irina in a provocative dress, heels. The face is painted, it looks very impressive.
Danil (fervently). Hello, Aborigines! What do they give you to devour? In the sense of being treated?
Irina (making excuses for her husband). Don't pay attention to your husband's stupid jokes. (He talks enthusiastically.) He's on a roll today. We enter the elevator in the shopping center. There are about six more people with us. The doors close, Danil turns to everyone, busily so, in a boorish, burnt voice (Parodies the conductor of public transport.) So, let's go in, we'll pay for the fare!
Danil, Oleg, Nina are smiling.
Irina (indignantly). Yes, the main thing is, convincingly so! A couple of people even reached for their wallets.
Danil (positively, to his wife). Yes, you yourself reached into your pocket so-and-so.
Irina shoves her husband in the side. Indignantly whispers something to him. But their incipient altercation is interrupted by Nina and Oleg, who quickly change the situation. They approach the guests, warmly welcome them.
Everyone is hugging, rejoicing.
Oleg happily pats Danil on the back, leaving quite impressive white flour stains and handprints on his jacket (on the back).
But no one pays attention to this (except the audience). Irina delicately kisses Oleg on the cheek, serves the cake she brought. Danil takes out wine and sweets, which he also prepared for the event.
Irina (to Oleg, happily). Well, cook, it's from our table to yours. And you go brag about cookies! I feel it smells like cooking, but… (Looks around.) I don't see it yet. Stashed cookies, huh? Come on, drag it here, we'll taste it!
Oleg accepts the gifts, puts everything on the table, goes to the kitchen for cookies.
Nina seats the guests, arranges everything on the table, on which everything is already cooked, except cookies.
From the kitchen comes the rumble of iron sheets, basins, dishes…
Oleg (shouts from the kitchen). Nina! Why did you put the sheets like that? At least she would have told me! Go help me soon. I grounded the cookies!
Nina rushes into the kitchen, Irina runs away with her to help.
Upset, dumbfounded screams of wives are heard.
Oleg returns from the kitchen, annoyed, wipes his hands with a rag, nervously throws off his apron, throws it aside along with the rag.
Danil (with a trick). What are you raging about?
Oleg (nervously). Yes, something went wrong with this cookie in the morning. Immediately you need a certain mood and condition. And Nina and I had a bit of a fight, well… here is the result, in general.
Danil (with interest). And what did they say?
Oleg (nervously). Stupid reason. They quarreled over flour. I like to make cookies from second-grade flour, cereals are still preserved in it.
Danil looks from under his brows, does not understand.
Oleg (explaining, seeing the misunderstanding). Well, useful trace elements. And Nina insisted that I make from the first grade. The flour is whiter, they say, and the quality is better and the look and everything else… You can't "lose face" in front of the guests.
Danil (with interest). So, what's the end result?
Oleg (displeased). And in the end, out, all the cookies on the floor. (He waves it off, changes the subject.) Ay, God be with him.
Oleg notices his friend's white back, approaches, shakes off his jacket.
Danil (surprised). What's there?
Oleg (with a smile, shaking off traces of flour). Yes, I have soiled you… somebody… Everything is almost fine. How are you?
Danil (positively). Yes, yesterday…
Danil looks cautiously towards the kitchen, continues the story a little quieter.
Danil (with a hitch, taking Oleg aside). I went to the store yesterday, bought one big cake, so I wanted something. He brought it home, then (withstands a very short pause – intrigue), and devoured it! In one haryu! While mine was not at home.
Oleg (with a friendly smile). What, right into one? How's the duck?
Danil (positively, proudly). Just like a duck! Like the last schmuck! In one helmet! Let him know who is the boss in the house!
Men shake hands with pride and solidarity.
Danil (casually). Then, of course, he immediately covered up all traces. I threw away the packaging, collected all the crumbs so as not to burn.
Oleg (with a friendly smile and sarcasm). Yeah, man! Man!
Danil (hot-tempered). Yes, he will come, after all, he will go broke! And I've been putting up with her nasty voice for so many years. (Skeptically, with mockery.) I found myself, a princess, a Christmas tree. And you can't take your eyes off, and the speech flows like a little river murmuring… However, however, if this river Ganges, then it is quite appropriate.
Oleg (with a friendly smile). Look, come on, it's not that bad! Although the Ganges is the dirtiest river in the world, it is considered clean in a Spiritual sense.
Danil (skeptically, loudly). I'm begging you! I found a pure Soul…
the ladies are returning. Nina carries cookies on a plate, puts it on the table.
Nina (positively). Well, part of the cooking still managed to be saved!
Irina begins to show a keen interest in the last phrase she heard.
Irina (with interest). And what's there, what's there? At the expense of clean Souls?
Danil (to his wife, everything is as in spirit, indignantly). Yes, there, Oleja says that you are a pure Soul. And I'm trying to explain to him that you're a fiend from hell!
Irina (indignantly, to her husband). Tyyyyy! Lupen! What kind of numbers are these! You should protect and praise your wife, not humiliate her, and in public. Here's Oleja – well done, and you're not a husband, but outright shit!
Danil (positively, philosophically, walking around). So… heh… Did I have a chance to be different, next to you. With whom you will lead, you will gain from that.
Irina (indignantly). What an asshole!
Danil (making faces and mimicking his wife). Oh, oh, oh. I'm all such a foo what, and she's a pure queen. Yes, if I tell you about you, Oleg and Nina's hair will stand on end, including in the most indecent places!
Oleg (with a friendly smile, Danilo). Don't worry about the latter. They're not there!
Nina (embarrassed, to Oleg). Oleeeg, well, why are you really…
Irina (looking reproachfully at her husband, pointing admiringly at Oleg). Here! Man! He does everything according to his mind! (Continuing to vilify her husband, addressing him directly, fiercely.) And if you want to know, hygiene is an elementary respect for a partner! And it's elementary to ask you to wash your feet – it's to shoot yourself! (To Oleg and Nina.) We only brush our teeth for the New Year, and about everything else… Uuuu… That the monkey is in the jungle, that my Danil – there is no special difference.
Danil is clowning around, portraying a macaque (a macaque's waddling gait, one hand up, the other down, the hands dangle freely).
Danil (pretending to be a macaque). U-a-u-a-a.
Irina (looking at her husband). Vo-vo!
Danil (boldly, confidently). Yes, if you say it, then say it to the end, and don't take it out of context. (To Oleg and Nina.) Do you know why she's so worried about hygiene? Do you think she's so exalted and refined? High society? Nifiga! The reason is banal and transparent. The same as the courtesans in the recent past. All this is just so that you don't get any animals during your festivities.
Irina (boldly, to her husband). Shut your mouth!
Nina (surprised, to Irina, pointing to Danil). Irishe, I don't understand what he's talking about, huh?
Irina (leaving the subject). Oh, nothing. He talks about anything, idiot.
Danil (to Nina, with a sly face). Ninulchik? Don't you know? Oleg didn't tell you? So I'll enlighten you. Zhinka is mine, she is…
Irina (to her husband, audaciously). I told you to shut your mouth! I'll help you now!
Oleg (smoothing the corners). Let's change the subject, or I'll leave now. I don't want to listen to these squabbles of yours.
Danil (to Oleg, calming down). Yes, please! Let's talk about cars. Irka won, she went to study for her driver's license. And she's a hell of a rider. She has learned to hum, and everything else is difficult for her! So, guys, when he gets his license, you call me first before you go outside. If she's not on the road, then you're more or less safe.
Oleg (waving his hand in resignation and leaving). Uh, no, guys, that's not what we agreed. Sort things out without me!
Oleg leaves.
Irina (to Nina, with a sly face). Ninul, dear, please give me a cake.
Nina (not understanding Irina's insidious plan yet). Yes, yes, I'm just going to cut it into pieces. Wait, I'll go get the knife.
Nina takes a couple of steps towards the kitchen.
Irina (to Nina, with a sly face). No, no, you can't do with a piece here (Glaring at her husband.) You need a whole cake for such a mess. Come on as it is, now I'll treat my own, up to the tonsils.
Danil (with attacks on Irina). Who are you going to treat here? Come here, treater. (To Nina.) Ninochka, where is the toilet here? My wife urgently needs to wash her head thoroughly, otherwise I see that the brain is completely clogged, she does not see the shores.
Danil steps on Irina. It's bad.
Irina gets scared. The situation is starting to take a serious turn.
Nina, seeing this, pounces on Danil, tries to hold him back.
There is an awkward struggle between Danil and Nina. Danil, of course, gradually breaks out and is about to overtake his wife.
Nina (trying to restrain Danila, shouts to Irina). Irka, run!!!
Intriguing music sounds.
Irina runs away after Oleg.
Danil and Nina find themselves in a strange position. They are very close, in fact, hugging each other.
And after Irina runs away, Nina and Danil catch themselves thinking that they are no longer fighting, but hugging. Their glances exude a cunning dangerous light of mutual sympathy, not God knows where it came from.
The light highlights an embracing couple with playful dangerously sly looks.
The music ends with the blackout.
End of the first action.
Action 2
Scene 1. Ah, what are you, what are you…
Oleg and Nina's apartment.
The same scene, Nina is still paired with Danil. It's as if she wakes up from a momentary turbidity, pushes Danil away, more afraid for her feelings, and not for him, which is certainly reflected in her behavior and facial expressions.
Nina (excitedly, stammering, confused in words and thoughts). I am.... you… Well, you… Well, what are you, you… scared… you… Such a whole rush. I'm right even… somehow… Well, you know.
Danil (with a cautious grin). Hmm… It seems that I understand something…
Nina is embarrassed, behind careful glances and smiles she tries to hide her embarrassments and moods incomprehensible to herself.
Nina (excitedly, stammering, confused in words and thoughts). No… no. No, no, I'm not talking about that at all.
Danil (with a cautious grin). Then what about?
Nina (thoughtfully). About what? A.... m.... And I myself forgot what I was talking about…
Danil smiles. Does not press. Passes, sits down at the table.
Danil (calmly). Ning, let's eat something? Here you have cookies, I heard, the vaunted are served on weekends.
Nina (recovering from her inner turmoil). Oh, yeah. Sure.
Nina runs up to the table, starts fussing, caring.
Nina (fussily on the ground of excitement and confusion). Here, here you try…
Nina serves cookies, tries to take care of the guest.
Nina (fussily). Now I'm going to get a knife, I need to cut the cake.
Nina seems to run away, but Danil stops her with a remark.
Danil (calmly). Nina! Don't fuss. I don't want any cake or sweets. And I can't say that I really want cookies.
Nina (thinking). M…
a little pause. Everyone is thinking about what happened.
Danil (calmly). Better get a couple of glasses. I shouldn't have bought wine…
Nina goes for glasses.
Danil opens the wine.
Nina is coming back. Puts down the glasses. Danil pours. Nina sits down opposite, takes her filled glass.
Nina (in a calm, slightly guilty voice). What shall we drink to?
Danil (deeply, deeply). For loneliness!
Nina does not drink, she sees that Danil has not yet expressed the whole idea. Gives him the opportunity to do it.
Danil (deeply, deeply). Come on, Nina, let's drink to loneliness in a couple. It doesn't matter if people live in an official marriage, or in a civil one… Someone is just dating… But, nevertheless, there is some kind of a couple. And in these couples, for some reason, sooner or later loneliness grows from somewhere. To be honest, I don't want to raise a glass for him, but it seems to me that God himself ordered me to drink to this!
Nina (philosophically, trying the toast on herself). You can't argue with that. Then don't clink glasses!
Danil (sadly). Without clinking glasses!
They drink. They eat cookies.
Danil (having tasted). M … and the cookies are not bad!
Nina (appreciating the wine, not yet moving away from its aftertaste). Yes, wine, by the way, too!
Danil (approvingly). Yes! I know how to choose wine, that's a fact. Unfortunately, there are no women.
Nina (after a short pause, with cautious interest). Is it that bad?
Danil (frankly, with warmth). Can't you see for yourself?
Nina (after a short pause, with cautious interest)… I just… I think you are… It's not always like that.
Danil (frankly, with warmth). Not always. Usually things are much worse.
Nina (surprised). Oh…
Danil (with interest). Uh-huh… Well, what about you? Happy with Oleg?
Nina tries to answer "yes" seemingly mechanically, but something stops her. She tries to formulate a thought, but time is passing and it is not on her side.
Danil (seeing difficulties with the answer). Clearly, in general.
Nina (as if justifying herself). No, Oleg is very good, don't think about it…
Danil (warmly, with understanding, calmly, interrupts). I know that Oleg is very good. But I asked you about something else… and… it seems to me… You answered quite clearly.
Nina falls silent. Does not argue, does not defend himself.
Nina (holding out an empty glass). Splash some more.
Danil pours.
Nina immediately sips, takes a candy, has a snack.
Nina (sadly). Mode of life… It's a scary thing. Such experienced family ships are stranded, which is amazing. Are you asking about happiness? What happiness there is. We live by the knurled… As everyone. You know, it seems to me that if I, or Oleg, had some more or less option, plus the slightest infatuation, then our marriage would have immediately broken up.
Love and respect? Don't know… Sometimes, we find out about his presence to each other too late. Now the relationship that we have, I would not call love and happiness, I would call it tolerance. Yes, perhaps. We tolerate each other, and that's how we live. A long time ago, we no longer burn for each other with some feelings worthy of voicing.
