It was almost there. A play for 4 people. Comedy

Scene 1. The perfect family!

Darkness.

Silence.

A loud voice (pleasant, endearing). What do we know about the family? Perhaps all the things that it would be better not to know about… at least on yourself. But since we are all "damn lucky" with the choice of our second halves, let's at least imagine for a moment what an ideal family relationship between husband and wife might look like.

Loud pleasant positive music sounds.

Residential apartment.

Disposing semi-darkness.

Oleg enters. A pleasant gentle, fresh smile. In the hands of a large bouquet of flowers. Dressed decently.

He takes a few steps, stops in tender anticipation.

Nina comes out to meet Oleg. Pretty, well-groomed, "delicious" from all sides. Sees Oleg, rejoices like a puppy. Runs towards him. Hugs, kisses. Love, tenderness. The candy – bouquet period in all its glory.

Oleg gives flowers to Nina, she accepts, admires. Tells Oleg emotionally about something (Words are not heard, everything is drowned out by the background music). Both are laughing heartily. They are happy, fresh, young at Heart and ambitious.

Nina is all emotional, she literally clings to Oleg, beckons him, drags him along.

Oleg, of course, is not against, but rather categorically "FOR".

As a result, a bouquet of flowers falls out of Nina's hands, she is no longer up to flowers.

Oleg breaks away from the passionate embrace, tries to pick up the bouquet, but Nina literally drags him away in a direction understandable to an adult viewer. And yet Oleg manages to take the flowers with him.

Oleg and Nina are hiding.

The music continues to play.

A slight dimming and light again. (Preferably a different light, because we are going to beat another apartment now, however, this is not so important).

Danil enters.

A pleasant smile on his face, fresh, radiant and happy. In his hands is a gift that he hides behind his back. A relatively bulky box wrapped in a gift box.

Irina comes out to meet Danil. Beautiful, fresh, tender and … just like from the picture.

Irina takes out a pie in her hands, smiles gently at Danilo, shows a glance at the pie, they say, here… for you.

Danil pulls out a gift from behind his back. It also shows with a glance, they say, but for you.

Irina is delighted. Sets aside the cooked pie. He runs up to Danil. Hugs him, kisses him. Timidly accepts the gift. Cautiously looks at Danil in anticipation. He nods approvingly.

Irina shudders emotionally, and even a little mentally, runs to open the gift as soon as possible.

Opens out of sight, we only see how the gift wrapping flies away.

Meanwhile, Danil approaches the pie, takes a piece, and begins to eat. Delicious. Savoring.

A joyful Irina jumps out, screams with delight and jumps on Danil, wrapping her arms and legs around him.

A piece of cake falls out of Danil's hand. I'm not up to pie anymore.

Hugs. Softness. Passion.

This is how Danil carries away Irina, delighted, bubbling with emotions.

Positive music is CHEWED up like on old cassette recorders, stops, subsides.

ZTM.

Scene 2. The life of Oleg and Nina.

A loud voice (pleasant, endearing). Well, there! Sometimes at the beginning of a relationship, something like this can be observed between lovers… But if the marriage has been going on for many years…, then it often happens about… so…

Oleg and Nina's apartment.

The light turns on smoothly.

Oleg is sitting on the sofa, hastily wrapped in a blanket.

The look is angry, sleepy.

Her hair is tousled. There are earplugs in the ears (you can stuff more cotton wool so that it can be seen).

Nina's heroic snoring can be heard from the next room.

Snoring sounds, Oleg is angry. Wants to sleep, but can't, sits, waits for a lull.

The snoring subsides and stops.

Oleg looks hopefully in the direction of the calmed snoring.

Trying to settle down on the couch. Closes his eyes. A blissful smile has already flowed down his face. He's finally almost falling asleep.

But it wasn't there.

Nina's snoring covers the sound space with a new force.

Oleg jumps up on the couch. Angry as a dog.

Oleg (nervously, loudly). AAAAAAAAAAAAA!

A sleepy Nina comes running to Oleg's cry. Nina is in pajamas, her eyes are sleepy, her hair is haphazard.

Nina (indignantly). Oleg! Why are you shouting in the middle of the night? Are you completely crazy? I'm out, I just managed to cover my eyes, I haven't even fallen asleep yet, and you broke my whole dream. What a stupid habit, yelling at night? And if I do that?

Oleg (evil, very evil). Nina, my berry! How much I love you, you just can't imagine!!!

Nina thinks about it… Understands.

Nina (guessing, not immediately voicing guesses). Ya.... snoring again, huh?

Oleg exhales with an angry growl, shakes his head affirmatively, but remains silent.

Nina (a little guiltily). I'm sorry, you know I can't control it. And besides, you snore like a locomotive yourself, so don't blame me for everything.

Oleg (very angry). Yes, in order for me to snore like a locomotive, I need to fall asleep first! Can you really sleep with you? And he went into another room, and he already bought earplugs… (Oleg takes earplugs out of his ears, nervously throws them aside.) It doesn't help! I'm already thinking about not going to the next room for the night, but to the next apartment! It seems to be on sale right now, we need to ask the neighbors how much they want.

Nina (nervously, winding herself up). So that's what it's all about! I got it As you delicately put it – neighbors. Not neighbors, I want to tell you, but a neighbor! And this neighbor has been looking at you with her greedy eyes for a long time. Or maybe you've already looked around? Maybe I don't know something, huh? Oleeeeg? Ah-well? Look into my eyes! What did you have with her, Ali how?

Oleg jumps off the sofa, looks viciously into his wife's eyes.

Oleg (very angry). You're completely out of your mind! Why the hell did I get this attractive, busty, young lady with a charming smile, heavenly eyes and three children? If only she had one child, somehow, somehow, the sheepskin would be worth the dressing. But three mouths, and her fourth, I will not take out on my salary. Think what you're saying!

Nina (calming down, sighing with relief, stepping aside). Here… What I've always appreciated you for is your honesty. Whatever is on your mind, you can mold everything. In general, this is not a very good quality for a person. Nowhere in life with such a nuance. But for me, as a wife, this flaw of yours is very in time. Of course, you're a parasite, to be honest, but a decent parasite! (In another sense, with a feigned emotion, and louder, reproaching.) You're a decent parasite with me, Oleja!

Oleg (discontentedly, rushing around the room, with sarcasm). I'm the parasite who argues. And you are the queen! Just a dream of any man! How fabulously lucky I was to meet such a gorgeous and beautiful person. Just manna from heaven has descended on me! Men are all goats, bastards, and parasites – this is an axiom. But the feminine gender – where not to spit – is a princess! Missed – goddess!

Nina (nervously, interrupting her husband's speech). So! Stop clowning around! I may not be a goddess, but you know, I'm still quite myself, by the way.

Oleg (discontentedly, rushing around the room, with sarcasm). That's what I'm talking about… What to yourself-to yourself. Not to yourself – to you, but to yourself-to yourself! When did this moment of switching from caring to selfishness just happen?

Nina (glancing at her husband with displeasure, hitting him). That's interesting to me.

Oleg (dissatisfied, after a short pause). So you're saying that I'm not taking care of you?

Nina (displeased). And then, as if you are showing?

Oleg (angrily, loudly). Yes, if he hadn't, he would have strangled him long ago, would have served time and come out with a clear conscience! You see, the neighbor wouldn't have had time to fix two more. And everything in my life would be tip-top. Do you even understand the sacrifices I'm making for you, the hardships???

Nina (sarcastically). Well, you just made me happy with your confession. Directly struck down. Right on the spot. Yes, how do you suffer so much for so many years, poor thing… You do so much for me, you hurt yourself so much for me. The sufferer. You're just my hero! Come quickly, I'll hug you, I'll caress you.

Oleg (dismissing him with displeasure).

Nina (calmly, a little playfully). Let's go together. Anyway, both you and I have a broken dream now. Maybe something will turn out, than the devil is not joking…

Oleg (pondering). But generally speaking, maybe and maybe. (Covering his mouth with his hand, softly, to the viewer, so that his wife does not hear.) While I remembered about the neighbor, it would be nice to put all this somewhere.

Nina (calmly, a little playfully). Okay, I'm going to the bathroom for a minute, then. Then I wait. Just don't forget to brush your teeth! Otherwise I won't give up!

Oleg (making a face). Oh, I scared you… Okay… I'll clean it.

They leave with an internal sediment and a weak anticipation.

ZTM.

Scene 3. The life of Danil and Irina.

Apartment of Danil and Irina.

A lyrical musical composition sounds, softly.

Danil and Irina are sitting on different sofas. Everyone is busy with their smartphone. They read something diligently, correspond with someone, watch news feeds on their devices, etc.

Irina (completely without emotions and any interest, without looking up from her smartphone). Danil, have you come yet?

There is a slight pause, Danil does not answer immediately, because he is very keen on correspondence in a smartphone.

Danil (completely without emotion and any interest, without looking up from the smartphone). And? Irishka, yes, I'm home. I got free early today, I've even managed to roll up a couple of rolls. How are you?

Irina (with interest in the dialogue on the web, not to her husband, without looking up from her smartphone, actively typing some text and mechanically pronouncing it). Yes… It's okay, it's good to see you. Nothing, I live. Do you remember Danka? Well, he's kind of dumb. He kept hitting on me while we were making out in your room. So I married him. Although he is not strong in mind, but he was punchy, nimble. That's what I bet on. But, alas, zero fell out. In short, by zeros. And how are you? Is the redhead still pining for you, or is it already in the past?

Danil is just now looking up from the phone, he did not listen / did not hear everything that was said before the words about the redhead.

Danil (cautiously, with interest, looking at Irina). Which redhead?

Irina shudders, wakes up, realizes that she answered the message out loud.

Danil (cautiously, with interest, looking at Irina). Is your friend Natasha pouring into your ears again about me? There was no such thing at all…

Irina feels like she's in a frying pan, trying to figure out what to do. Puts the smartphone aside, navigates the situation. She looks suspiciously at Danil, she doesn't understand what he's talking about, but it's for the best. She guesses that he missed most of her words, which is incredibly pleasing.

Danil (cautiously, with interest, looking at Irina). Why are you looking at me like that? Don't you believe it?

Irina looks with a penetrating look.

Danil changes tactics.

Danil (wriggling out). Ahhh, so you're probably talking about Masha. Masha, yes, red. I didn't even think about it right away. That's right, I met her at the market the other day. Well, Masha is Antokhin's sister.

Irina looks with suspicion and misunderstanding.

Danil (twisting out, convincingly explaining). Yes, my one-size-fits-all, Anton. Don't you remember him? He's so patchy… (He waves it off.) It doesn't matter. So this is his older sister. She helped us sometimes at school. Anton and I didn't really drag, but she just fumbled. Well, we met, got to know each other, and exchanged a couple of phrases. That's it.

Irina (with suspicion). All?

Danil (convincingly). And what else?

Irina (with suspicion, knowing Danil and his habits, coming up on the go). How can I tell you… as far as I am informed, you were smiling so interestingly at each other that, as it were… The question arises, is there something hidden behind these smiles?

Danil (convincingly). Irka, what are you doing? I'm telling you, slap your informants in the ears so that they don't spread nonsense beyond their inflamed imagination.

Irina (with suspicion, knowing Danil and his habits). Watch me!

Irina sighs with relief and picks up her smartphone again.

Danil (changing the subject). I'm looking, but I wonder where you're looking all the time!

Irina is straining. Silent. Waiting for explanations.

Danil (attacking). I'm not coming home from work, so you're all right completely and completely in your smartphone. I understand that in recent years you have been living not with me, but with him.

Irina (startled, interrupting). With whom, with him???

Danil (calmly explaining). With a smartphone!

Irina (relieved). And… well… yes… Well, too, it's not that I live directly.

Danil (more emotionally). You're not getting out of it!

Irina (defiantly). Oh, and you're just climbing out!

Danil (excited). I'm working for a second! And at home I want to relax, I have the right to sit, play and chat. Who else should I talk to at home? Not with you, right?

Irina (defiantly). But at least!

Danil (putting aside the phone, which, though without attention, he still held in his hand all this time). Well, come on, let's try, let's talk.

Irina also puts her phone aside.

Both turn to each other. They look at each other. Even from time to time they take a breath in their chest, and as if they are going to start a conversation, but at the last moment they change their mind, turn their gazes to the side.

In general, they have nothing to talk about.

Several attempts on both sides to speak.

Silence.

Danil (nodding to the situation, philosophically). We had a great conversation.

Everyone is reaching for their smartphone again, and they continue to spend their time and attention on the virtual world.

ZTM.

Scene 4. Conversation of Danil and Oleg.

Late evening. Street. Yard.

Darkness. Female moans, shouts and other echoes characteristic of intimate and satisfying active activity are heard. Male moans are less vivid, but also present in this idyll.

The light turns on smoothly, Oleg and Danil, leaning on some element of the playground (or some other yard piece of architecture) with bottles of something wrapped (supposed beer), talk casually, look enthusiastically at the window of a high-rise building, "spend time culturally."

Oleg (after listening to a good portion of gasps and sighs coming from the slightly open window). Look how they charge. Right candy-bouquet period they have there. It's very expensive to listen to.

Danil (with a calm face, after listening to a few more shouts). Yes, not …, the candy-bouquet period has long ended for them. This is practically everyday life. But there is still a fuse, apparently. Eeeee, there's still gunpowder in the flasks!

Oleg (with some degree of condemnation). Danil, I've always been surprised by your ability to talk about what you don't know about. Well, what makes you think that the candy-bouquet period is over for them?

There is a bright splash of emotions from the window.

Oleg (pointing to the window). Oh! Have you heard how they have everything there? I didn't have it with my Nina even at the very beginning, not like now. And do you see how it happens to people? No, brother, it smells like kerosene. And just about to be spilled between the hearts of these two figures, and set on fire by some skillful cherub who knows his business perfectly.

There is another batch of emotional shouts from the window.

Danil (with a calm face, after listening to a few more shouts). And I will answer! First of all, not a brother, but a friend!

Oleg (with interest). So I'm not literally. Of course, a friend. And what, secondly?

Danil (with a calm face). And secondly, I know this couple very well. They have been dating for a long time. In fits and starts, though, from time to time, but for a long time. I suspect that their anniversary is coming soon.

Oleg (with interest, and some disbelief). You're at it again… That's how? How can you know all this? Tell me honestly, are you making it up on the go?

Danil (with a calm face). I'm not making anything up.

Oleg (egging on). Yeah, you'll say that someone from this couple personally tells you all the details, right?

Danil (with a calm face). I can't really say anything about the peasant, I've only seen him a few times, briefly. Nothing such a man, quite suitable.

A new batch of groans and gasps is heard. Mostly female shouts.

Danil (with a calm face). And I know the lady who's been soloing for an hour well.

Oleg (biased, incredulous). Oh, stop it! He knows everyone, he knows about everything.

Oleg starts drinking.

Danil (with a calm face). And how can I not know if it's my own wife.

Oleg drops the bottle, drenches himself in confusion, blowing everything out of his mouth with force that managed to get there.

Danil calmly takes a sip from his bottle, looks out the window with satisfaction.

Danil (approvingly). Everyone seems to have had enough. Today I will have a silk one. She is silk at home after these meetings. Just a human soul!

Oleg picks up his bottle, shakes it off, wipes the neck, to put it mildly, looks at Danil strangely.

Danil (looking questioningly at Oleg). What?

Oleg (cautiously). That is, there… (Pointing towards the window.) Irina? Your wife?

Danil (calmly). Yeah.

Oleg (cautiously). And she's there with someone… yeah?

Danil (calmly). Yeah.

Oleg (cautiously, confused). So a… Well, as it were… Well, that's it… Well, I don't know… Is everything okay?

Danil (calmly). Everything is fine.

Oleg (cautiously, confused). Hmm…

Oleg thinks, takes a sip.

Oleg (skeptically). High relations.

Danil (cheerfully, proudly). And then! This is not a fuck-up for you, this is twenty years of marriage! Or so.

Danil takes another sip.

Oleg (with interest). No, it's understandable, it's just that you're so calm about it… I'm with mine, too, already … (Trying to remember how much… it doesn't work.) About the same. But I couldn't do that.

Danil (somewhat detached, philosophically). You couldn't, but she could…

Oleg (warily). What do you mean?

Danil (leaving the subject). Yes, no.., just blurted it out, didn't think.

Oleg (warily). Uh, no, wait. What are you? Do you know something I don't?

Danil (calming, defusing the situation). Olegych, calm down. All I know is that women… girls… of course they are angels, there are no questions, but they are angels until you get to know them properly. That's it… you look from afar, at a distance… Ah, pretty. Ah, krasava. Goes – as if writing. And the figure, and the posture. Sponges, shoulders, and what kind of eyes – you can go crazy. Divine creatures, don't go to Grandma.

Oleg (warily). So, and?

Danil (busily). What and? You've been married for so many years, and you're asking me about "and". What, is your Nina still an angel to you? Flutters on the wings of love, gives you magical looks, delights and encourages you to creative deeds? Was there ever such a thing?

Oleg (evasively). Well… it was… something like that. But for a long time everything has been completely different. Everyday life – you understand. He has not served any family in my memory yet.

Danil (matter-of-factly, approvingly). Wooooo!

Oleg (with interest and a dig). Well, what about your Irinka, is she? Does it move you to creative deeds?

Danil (with a sneer). Irka? Me? (Emotionally.) Yes, I want to strangle someone after talking to her at all! It's a snake, which is not enough! She's fucked up my whole life. Step to the right, step to the left, I will do everything! Kayak! Debriefing begins. If you didn't notice someone's lipstick on your neck and didn't erase it, then it's a scandal if you pinned someone's hair on yourself – half a hole! Smells like women's perfume – even if you climb into the loop. And once I came home without panties. In trousers, but without underpants, he left it at the scene of the "crime" in the parking lot. So they almost got torn up there! Fortunately, I was drunk in zyuzu. After a couple of hooks in the door jamb, he passed out himself. But nothing, a week later we were already talking …

Oleg (surprised). Hah! No, how would you like to? So that you can go to other people's women, and you are cordially welcomed at home after that? Yes, Irka is really an angel! You're the shitty husband!

Danil (judiciously). I'm a man! A normal healthy, mature man. Moderately goat-like, wise with everyday experience, who understood the hopelessness of the situation of the post-wedding period, a man!!! It is naive to believe that someone lives differently.

Oleg (indignantly). I live differently!

Danil (surprised). What do you mean?

Oleg (convincingly). I don't cheat on my wife and I never have.

A small pause. The men look at each other with a strange look.

Danil (confused). What, are you a fool?

Oleg (convincingly). No. Just a decent family man.

Danil (incredulously). Yes, do not treat… He didn't cheat. There are no men who don't cheat.

Oleg (convincingly). There are. And that's exactly what I am.

Danil (incredulously). Seriously, did you cheat?

Oleg (convincingly). Not once!

Danil curls his lips, is surprised, looks at Oleg as if he were an alien.

Danil (trying to believe). Well, you give. So what? Never even wanted to? Not drawn to the side?

Oleg (calmly). Well… you never know what I wanted. You can't! The bonds of marriage, all that!

Danil (sadly). No, Oleja, you're still a fool.

Oleg (on edge). I'm a fool, and you're smart! You're slinging yourself on other people's women, your wife is out… (Pointing to the window.) And you're smart for all that!

Danil (calmly). Buddy, don't get excited, I'm not angry. Fine, well done. You don't cheat on each other – and that's great. Everything suits you – God grant. And everything suits us like this. In fact, in family life it does not matter at all whether you are a fool or smart. It's important that you're happy. At least sometimes. So I'm happy. Irishka (Pointing to the window.) As you can see – too. So in our family we can say – a complete idyll. Everyone gets tired of everything, and we are happy from time to time. Sometimes we are even happy, you won't believe it, together!

Oleg (calming down). Okay, it's the master's business. I'm not climbing. Listen, tell me… And Irina, does she know that you know?

Danil (calmly). About a lover?

Oleg (with interest). Yes.

Danil (calmly). I don't know, we haven't discussed it with her. But, for sure, he guesses. She's not a fool. A snake, a bitch, but not a fool. (Proudly.) I chose it myself!!!

Oleg (with sarcasm and approval). Krasava!

The men shake hands approvingly and supportingly.