Dirty

A thousand explanations raced through my mind, but only one slipped from my tongue. “Because it’s not what I do.”

“Take off your sunglasses. I want to see your eyes when you talk to me.”

I sighed, belabored, but complied. He met my gaze, searching my eyes like they held a clue, a key, a treasure map. His fingers curled on my arms.

“Why not?”

I could only stare at him for a long moment while traffic passed us by and birds chattered among the branches of a tree in springtime bloom. “I just don’t.”

“You don’t what?” The tone was gentle, the words nonthreatening, but I could give him no answer. “You don’t date?”

“No.”

He studied my face. “But you fuck in bathrooms.”

I jerked from his grasp and set my feet to the sidewalk again. “I’ve never done that before.”

This time I thought for sure he’d let me go. I made it to the corner before he reached my side again. I didn’t look at him.

“I want to see you again.”

I stopped, shoulders hunching in resignation that this conversation would not end until he was satisfied. “Why, Dan?”

“Because I didn’t get to see your face this time.”

Just like that, desire sliced me open like a samurai sword and left me gasping for breath. I hid it with a shake of my head and a scowl. He didn’t grab me to stop me this time, just murmured my name in a low voice that halted my feet as though I’d stepped in glue.

“Because you have the sexiest laugh I’ve ever heard in my life, and I don’t think I could stand knowing I’d never hear it again.”

Why is kindness so much harder to believe than cruelty?

I didn’t want to believe him. I wanted to think he was full of empty words. I wanted to walk away from him. I wanted all those things, but in the end, had none of them.

“I don’t date.” The reply sounded lame, even to me.

Dan grinned. “So we won’t date.”

“What,” I asked, refusing to smile though the corners of my mouth insisted on tilting upward, “will we do?”

“Whatever you want, Elle,” Dan said. “Whatever you want.”

Chapter 04

Whatever I wanted. An easy thing to promise, but not so easy to request. I didn’t know what I wanted. I only knew I couldn’t stop thinking about him.

Marcy cornered me by the coffee machine. “Where’d you go on Friday? You ditched us!”

“I got a headache.” The lie tripped easily off my tongue. “You two were looking pretty cozy by the bar, so I just snuck out.”

She seemed satisfied with that answer, then prattled on about her night with Wayne. The cologne he wore. The brand of shampoo he preferred. The way he liked his eggs. She stopped midsentence to stare at me.

“What?”

I’d been transfixed by her commentary, but now I finished pouring my coffee. “Nothing.”

I didn’t want to tell her I envied her. I wasn’t sure I did. I’d been in love before, with disastrous results.

“Did something happen at The Blue Swan?”

I shook my head. “No. Should it have?”

“Hell, yeah.” Marcy tossed her blond hair over one shoulder. “It should have. Definitely. But…nothing? We lost you after you went to get the drinks. Thought maybe someone swept you away.”

“Oh.” My laugh sounded forced and lame. “Nothing like that, I’m afraid.”

She didn’t look convinced, but I didn’t give her any more of the story.

Dan didn’t wait to call me the way I had.

“Hello, Miss Kavanagh. Daniel Stewart calling.”

“Yes, Mr. Stewart. How can I help you?”

“I read a good review about the film showing at the Allen Theater this weekend. I’d like to make an appointment with you to see it.”

“An appointment?” He’d caught me washing dishes left over from breakfast. I cradled the phone against my shoulder while I swirled a soapy sponge over my bowl and rinsed it.

“Yes. I believe you said you didn’t go on dates.”

“I said I didn’t date. Not that I didn’t go on dates.”

“Ah. Fine line, there.”

I imagined him running a hand through his hair, maybe wearing a T-shirt and jeans. He’d have a leather couch. Big-screen television set. Plants a housekeeper watered and plucked the dead leaves from.

I finished with my dishes and set the kettle on to boil water for tea. “I go on an occasional date.”

That wasn’t quite true. I hadn’t been on a date in a long time. Longer than I’d forgone sex, as a matter of fact.

“You’re changing your story on me, Elle. That’s not fair.”

“Life’s not fair.” I wiped off my table and replaced the napkin holder in the center.

“Elle.” His voice reached through the phone and stroked me from head to foot. I closed my eyes. “You want to go with me to the movies.”

I leaned against my counter, an arm folded across my stomach to support the one holding the phone. I thought for a moment. “Yes. I do.”

“Good,” he said, as though that settled things. And it did.