Forbidden:

“Good,” I try to sound calm.

Alex moves around the bedroom tidying things away before heading out the door. The energy radiating from his body resembles electric sparks.

“I’ll make some coffee,” he says over his shoulder as he disappears.

I pull myself up into a sitting position and slump back against the pillows. Oh my God! I really am still here, only it feels different.

The voice comes into my head. “Don’t worry, you are adjusting and things will settle down. Give it time.”

The silence in my head leaves a void which is quickly replaced by a stream of questions I can’t seem to stem. How long will it take? Will Alex notice a difference in me? What should I say to him? I realise I’m in danger of hyperventilating, my hands grabbing onto the duvet and making two fists, the tension radiating up my arms. I lie back, taking a few slow, deep breaths. I close my eyes. Outside I can hear the birds and the faint sound of traffic. Is this the same morning that I was called back to transition, or has time passed here on earth? How will I explain what has happened to Alex?

Suddenly I feel as if someone has placed an arm around my shoulders and there is a sensation of great warmth. I wonder if it’s going to lift me physically from the bed, it’s so intense, but the moment passes. I’m not alone and understanding that helps a little.

Alex returns, humming a tune under his breath. The moment he walks back into the room, two steaming mugs of coffee in his hands, his face breaks out into a radiant smile.

“The first day of the rest of our lives.” He sounds so happy, and I realise that to him there has been no disruption. I send a prayer of thanks out into the ether to my mentor. I need all the help I can get.

I take the coffee mug from him and return his smile. I try my best to match his air of unfettered optimism. “You sound cheerful.”

His fingers brush against mine as he releases the mug. He lingers a moment before drawing away.

“I feel like celebrating,” he muses, as if his mind is churning and he hasn’t yet had time to process what’s happening. He sounds like a kid, really excited and it’s a big deal – he’s about to open his Christmas presents or something. There’s a liveliness about him and he can’t seem to sit still. He walks to the window and looks out into the street.

“I wish I didn’t have to go to work today,” he mutters, more to himself than to me. “You know, I think last night was the first time I didn’t have a bad dream. About us, I mean.”

I’m fascinated by the glow that emanates around his upper body, pulsating gently, softening his outline. The clarity is breathtaking: Alex might not be an angel, but he’s an energy that exudes healing and positivity. I long to get up and throw my arms around him, but I’m not sure my legs would carry me that few feet between the bed and the window. Even lying here, propped up against the pillows, I feel shaky and unsteady. I sip my coffee, hoping the caffeine will do the trick and begin to ground my thoughts.

“You stirred earlier and began talking to me, but you were still dreaming,” he turns to face me, a little furrow on his brow. “Can you remember your dream? You thought something was wrong. I shushed you and you fell back to sleep. You aren’t having dreams about us, are you?” he asks, tentatively, trying to hide his concern.

“No, I don’t think so. I’m fine now, although I think I might be coming down with a sore throat,” I offer, wanting… no, needing to reassure him and stop him dwelling on what happened.

“Good. You would tell me if you thought something was wrong, wouldn’t you? You don’t regret our decision to be together?”

His words are like a bolt of lightning. Now that I am consciously aware of the position we’re in, and with an insight into both existences, how can I answer that question?

“Of course not.” Fortunately my tone is even. I take a large gulp of my coffee to give me a few moments more to adjust.

Alex saunters over to sit down next to me on the bed.

“I want to explain.” His eyes search my face, lovingly, like a gentle kiss. “I only sought out Ethan Morris because I was worried about what my dreams seemed to be telling me. After you asked me to leave I realised that I hadn’t meant any of the words I had thrown at you. I was panicking because I couldn’t figure out why loving you felt so wrong, so selfish. As if I wasn’t putting your interests first, only thinking about what I wanted. When you disappeared I was frantic. All I could think about was whether you were safe and it hurt knowing that my outburst was a knee-jerk reaction to my fear. I know this must all sound a bit weird, Ceri, but I’ve loved you for so long. Since the first day we began working together. It was a long two years, being next to you five days a week and carrying this burden, this feeling that I must not let you know how madly in love I am with you. You kept it professional and I took that to mean you didn’t feel the same way in return. I now understand that it’s hard for you to show anyone the side of you that is different. It’s a gift that makes living your life very hard at times. When you opened up to me and we ended up in bed, I was so happy and so scared. I’m sorry Ceri, you were right, we make our own future. You have a gift and maybe that was freaking me out a little. Ethan believes what he preaches, but who’s to know how it all works? After all, we have free will – it says so in the Bible.”

His words take me by surprise. I realise that when I ran away it must have been a real shock to Alex. I didn’t want to believe what he’d told me about Ethan’s theory either, but all of his concerns seem to have disappeared overnight. Has something changed in Alex that I can’t see? His level of vibration is much lower than an angel’s and he’s not supposed to have conscious knowledge. Maybe his instinctive sensitivity is constantly picking up on what his subconscious is trying to tell him.

How can this work between us, with so much that can’t be said or discussed? How far am I allowed to go before there is a consequence? As my mentor warned, I will then have to handle any changes that occur as a result of my actions. I’ve been talking Alex into believing that we can be together and make a future where we can become more than the sum total of two individuals. Am I now the one backing away? Does Alex sense that this morning? In fairness to us both, I need to think this through a little before I say anymore. I wonder, fleetingly, if the tables have turned. Am I in danger of altering Alex’s future, robbing him of his true destiny in this life if I don’t let him go? I wonder why we feel such a strong bond, which on one level feels so right yet on another so wrong.

“What? What are you thinking? Don’t hide your feelings from me Ceri, that’s all I ask. I’m sorry I panicked, that’s all it was. You are right. Ethan’s theory is only a theory.”

“Let’s take each day as it comes. Try not worry too much about tomorrow for the moment. I’m feeling a little off-colour today…”

“Hey angel,” I love the sense of warmth in his voice as he says that word, “you are my angel, Ceri, beyond any shadow of a doubt. We’ve been through a lot and now it’s our turn to grab some happiness. The thought of losing you completely scared me, even though it was due to my own stupidity.” He places his hand on my cheek, his eyes gazing into mine as if he’s searching for something. “Look, I’m going to be late if I don’t leave for work. We’ll talk about what happened when I get home tonight. Please try to have a relaxing day, you look really tired. I’ll pick up something for that sore throat. See you later.” He stoops to kiss me, lingering a moment to look at me before pulling away. “I never dared to dream this day would come. You’ll still be here when I get back this evening, won’t you?”

It’s an attempt at humour that has a hollow ring to it: he’s scared I’ll change my mind.

“Of course, now go! You can’t be late for work and I mustn’t laze around all day. I need to start job hunting. I’ll be here, promise!”

He turns to face me with the biggest smile on his face and a little thrill courses through my body. As I watch him walk away, I notice that what I always thought of as a sashay was really almost a dancer’s glide. I believed Alex wasn’t interested in women in general, but I’m beginning to see that it was his inherent sensitivity that helped reinforce my opinion. He’s tall, slim and lean, his body isn’t overly-developed but it’s well defined. The way he walks lends an air of femininity and, because his face is so perfect, there’s a sense of him not being quite real. Oh, listen to me! I can see inside him and I know the goodness and selflessness within his core, it’s just unusual for the outside to match the inside. Before my trip back to the ethereal world, if anyone had asked me what a reincarnated angel looks like, I would have given Alex as an example. Thinking about myself, I feel I probably present as someone who is rather nervous and often prefers their own company.

A loud “Huh,” escapes my lips. No one in their right mind would guess I was the angel. What I’m wondering is, how long would Alex have continued to live the life of a monk, hung up because he was in love with me but too scared by his dreams to say anything? His love has a depth that is way above his vibration level. It’s an emotion that I invoke within him and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it exists within me too.

Chapter Five – A Friend In Need (#u4a43265b-7b92-5bde-8d3d-14c02b394a74)

I spend the morning phoning a few contacts, getting the word out that I’m looking for a job. Fortunately I know a lot of people in the business and losing my job with Portingale & Hughes Advertising isn’t quite the disaster I thought it would be. No one asks why I left, and I draw the conclusion that most people in the business have heard about Mason Portingale’s reputation. It’s well known that he isn’t an easy man to work for, although I wonder too if people sense he can be an outright bully at times.

Sheena arrived back in the UK yesterday and sent me a text suggesting we meet up. I’m longing to see her, but also worried that she’ll notice a change in me. She knows me better than anyone else, aside from my brother Seb, and this is a big test. Seb is still travelling; it’s his way of coming to terms with the sudden death of Anna on their wedding day. My instincts tell me he will eventually return, but not until he has worked through his grief in the only way that makes sense to him. He’s flitting about from country to country, his adrenalin junkie days firmly behind him now. Instead he’s using that energy to help people in need, as a volunteer. He’s in Cambodia at the moment, helping to build a new water course. His emails are merely a line or two, he doesn’t share much information and I know he’s simply letting me know he’s safe.

Not having him around makes Sheena’s presence even more important. She’s my family when Seb isn’t here. I only wish my parents could live with the fact that I’m so very different to Seb. He was the easy child and I was the black sheep. I doubt that will ever change.

We meet up at Starbucks and I’m running late, so Sheena is already in the queue when I arrive. We grab our lattes and manage to find a small corner table.

“What’s up?” She eyes me suspiciously, probably assuming I’ve had one of my psychic episodes.

“There’s been a development.” I feel a little awkward, not knowing where to start.

“Spill the beans.” She slips off her coat and leans across to give me a big hug. The instant we touch it’s like someone freezes the frame: that one moment appears to have stalled both time and movement. The seconds tick by and yet nothing moves. I break away, feeling as if someone has knocked the wind out of me.

Then I see her.

Kelly is here, as if she hadn’t died four years ago and is joining us for coffee today. Sheena is busy folding her coat and trying to find space under the table to accommodate her over-sized bag. In that split second I understand. Kelly has always been around Sheena, I just couldn’t see her before. She’s one of Sheena’s guardian angels. I shake my head, trying to clear my thoughts as Sheena peers across the table at me.

“What’s up? You look like someone just walked over your grave.” Her voice snaps me back. I have to pull myself together.

“I’m coming down with something. I have a really sore throat…” the words die in my mouth as it becomes dry with anxiety. Kelly is standing a mere two feet away and appears as real as any of the other people in the café. In fact, that isn’t quite right. She appears more real and they are simply a paler backdrop.

“Poor you, I hope it isn’t so bad that you can’t tell me all your latest news.” Sheena adds sugar to her coffee, totally oblivious to the fact that Kelly is with us and for the first time in four years our little trio is reunited. I want to reach out and touch Kelly, to convince myself she’s real and yet I know she’s only here in spirit. Presenting to me, I swear, dressed as she was the last time I saw her. That was before the leukaemia had weakened her body and begun to claim her life. Tears gather in my eyes and Sheena is now staring at me.

“Ceri, what’s wrong?”

Should I tell her about Kelly? Accepting my gift is one thing; understanding that everyone has a link with the other side is another. I don’t want to frighten her.

“Alex is back in my life.” I’d intended to tell her anyway and I only hope she thinks the tears are because I’m emotional.

“Well, I’m not surprised exactly, although the guy really hurt you. I’ve never known you to run away from any situation before, but the way he talked to you was unforgiveable. Is it going to be a permanent thing?” Her concern is tangible; she’s looking out for my interests and thinks Alex might hurt me again. Kelly hasn’t moved: her image isn’t quite so sharp now but it’s comforting to know she’s there, listening.

“I think so. He stayed last night. He wants me to tell him about what happened while we were apart, hoping we can move on. I convinced him he has nothing to worry about and that we can be together.”

“Then what’s worrying you?” Sheena looks at life in a black and white way and I’m not sure she’ll understand.

“What if I’m wrong?”