Off Limits

“There’s no safer place than right here,” Jim warned her darkly. Sitting down, he untied the strong, slender vines that kept the splints in place around his leg. Each morning he checked the progress of his leg, reset the splints, which had a tendency to move on him, and retied them into place.

“But,” Alex whispered desperately, “I have to get medical help, Jim!”

Jim’s hands hovered over the knot he’d just tied in the vine. Grimly, he raised his head and met her large, luminous eyes. “We couldn’t make that ten miles in the shape we’re in, Alex.”

“But...I’ll die if I don’t get surgery to remove this piece of shrapnel. We’ve got to try!”

Terror deluged Jim, and he crawled back to the tunnel wall opposite Alex. Adrenaline poured through his bloodstream, and his heart started slamming against his rib cage, his breathing turning ragged. Her cry of desperation triggered the entire terrifying sequence, and suddenly he was helplessly snared in the grip of the nightmare.

Alex watched Jim in confusion. His eyes had turned dull, as if he were no longer hearing or seeing her. Sweat popped out on his face. His nostrils flared, and as Alex continued to watch, his chest began to rise and fall as if with exertion. She didn’t understand what was happening as he collapsed against the wall, caught in the throes of something beyond her comprehension. His eyes tightly shut, he brought his good knee up and buried his brow against it, wrapping both arms tightly around it. Minutes after his retreat into silence, he slowly began to relax.

“Jim?” Alex’s voice was off-key. “What’s wrong? What happened?”

Shakily, Jim released his bent leg and raised his head. He blinked his stinging eyes and tried to detach from the repulsive scene and its accompanying feelings. Alex’s voice was soft—a healing balm. He clung to it, not hearing all her words, but honing in on the reassuring sound. Gradually, the scene he fought to forget began to dissolve. Wiping his mouth shakily with the back of his hand, he straightened. Finally, he forced open his eyes. Alex was staring at him in puzzlement.

“Look,” he began in a rasp, “I can’t ever go back, do you understand?”

“Back?”

“Yeah. I—I can’t handle it anymore, Alex.”

Completely confused, Alex held on to her own disintegrating patience. “You’re not making sense, Jim. What are you talking about?”

He rubbed his sweaty face with trembling hands. “I joined the marines three years ago. Because of my hill background, they sent me to the recons for training and duty. I—I’ve been in Nam for almost two years—” He couldn’t say the words; they jammed in the back of his throat. The black feelings, the grief and the profound sadness finally released him enough to whisper, “Recons are taught to kill a hundred different ways. I did—kill. The enemy. Men. VC who wanted to kill me.” He raised his gaze to the earthen ceiling, his voice low and unsteady. “It always bothered me, even though they told me I was doing my duty. Killing bothered me.... Sure, it was the enemy and I knew it was often kill or be killed. But every time...every time, it got harder. I tried to remember the good that recons do, how we save hundreds, maybe thousands of other marines from dying with the information we retrieve from enemy sources, but I was hurtin’.

“This last recon patrol...it was hell. When I fell in this hole and busted up my leg, I knew it was all over. I thought I’d died. But then I woke up, and I knew I couldn’t go back. I couldn’t go to a marine firebase, recover and get sent back to the field.” He shut his eyes tightly. “I just couldn’t.”

Alex sat a long time digesting his emotional confession. Jim had been trained to kill in a professional sense. She stared down at her hands and then over at his, clenched tightly into fists against his thighs. A hundred different ways to kill. Her mouth grew dry and she hung her head. “Then,” she rasped, “you’re deserting?”

Jim nodded. “Right now, I’m MIA, missing in action. They can’t find my body, so they can’t tell my ma and pa I’m dead. No one knows of my decision. I—I wish I could let them know....” He looked at her grimly. “If I take you to that firebase, they’ll take me to Da Nang for recovery.”

“But, Jim, if you could just get me close to the base, I could make it there on my own,” Alex pleaded.

“You don’t understand,” he said heavily. “That firebase is ringed by VC. I couldn’t just drop you nearby. You’d probably step on a land mine or get shot by VC before you even got close to safety. Even if you made it that far, one of the marines is liable to shoot you for not knowing the right password. No, you’d get killed, Alex.”

Frustrated, Alex glared at him. “If I don’t get out of here, I’m dead, too! So what’s the difference?”

Jim winced at the anger in her voice. He couldn’t blame her. Shame flowed through him. She deserved better than him—a better chance at surviving. Why had she been thrown into his arms? All he’d wanted was to continue to survive without being detected—by VC or friendly forces. “Look,” he rasped, “I need time—”

“I don’t have time!” Alex cried softly. “In a week, I could be dead! Is that what you want? Are you willing to throw my life away so you can stay safe?”

Jim couldn’t bear the tears glimmering in Alex’s haunted eyes. Anger mixed with his grief. “No, dammit, I don’t want to let you die! But I can’t go back. I can’t!”

“Why not?”

Jim’s breath came hard and fast, the pain in his chest so great it felt like a heart attack. He could see the anger flashing in Alex’s eyes. Frustration showed in the set of her stubborn lips. “I can’t talk about it,” he whispered defensively.

“Can’t or won’t?” Alex hurled back hotly. She jerked the blanket aside, and the movement cost her dearly.

Jim’s eyes narrowed. “What do you think you’re doing?”

“I’m getting out of here, that’s what. Get me my blouse and that flight suit! I don’t care if they’re wet or not!”

He stared at her, dumbfounded. “You won’t be able to walk ten feet without falling on your nose.”

Alex struggled to her knees. Pain throbbed through her shoulder and down her left arm. “Hand me my clothes. I’ll be damned if I’m staying here with a deserter. I’m scared, McKenzie, but I’m not so scared I won’t try! I don’t know what Vietnam did to you, but I’m not paying for it!” She stretched out her hand. “Now give me my clothes!”

Glaring at her, Jim rasped, “You’re going nowhere. Sit down, Alex. Right now.”

Squaring off with him, Alex felt the pumping adrenaline suddenly leave her. She felt shaky, then began to tremble. Black dots danced in front of her eyes. She was going to faint if she didn’t lie down immediately.

“You yellow-bellied coward,” she cried hoarsely. “If I could, I’d leave you right now! Just as soon as I get strong enough, I’m getting out of here!” She fell back, the wall of the tunnel stopping her from completely collapsing. The jolt made her cry out, and she reached automatically for her wounded shoulder.

Instantly, Jim moved to her side. “Be still, Alex,” he whispered tautly, pulling her hand from her shoulder.

Jerking away, Alex glared up at him. “Don’t touch me,” she snarled.

CHAPTER THREE (#ulink_03ea429c-9fea-5af0-b769-3b68a9ad371a)

Smarting beneath Alex’s attack, Jim made her as comfortable as possible. When she lay down, he covered her with the blanket, then crawled over to the other wall of the tunnel. She had closed her eyes, her lips set in an angry line, and was refusing to talk to him.

Jim knew he’d better eat, even though he didn’t feel like it. Glumly picking up the bowl, he dug into his rucksack for more of the poorly cooked rice. His stomach knotted. Only the sound of Alex’s labored breathing filled the tunnel. How could he tell her the gruesome truth? What would she think of him when she knew the horror of the crime he’d committed? The crime was so heinous, so mind-blowing, that he felt as if he were drowning in guilt and shame.

Jim chewed the rice without really tasting it, his gaze fastened on Alex. Her breathing had steadied and softened. When she opened her eyes much later, Jim scrambled inwardly to lessen the tension strung between them. Casting around, he said, “In our part of the country, we don’t have many television sets. My kinfolk—an uncle—had one, but he lived near town. I remember as a kid growin’ up listening to the radio all the time.” He forced a semblance of a smile, his voice low. “You remember the Lone Ranger?”

Alex turned her head and gazed at his shadowed features. There was something vulnerable and hurting about Jim McKenzie. But now his mouth, once a tortured, twisted line of some withheld pain known only to himself, had relaxed. He had a wonderful mouth, a kind mouth, and she had trouble imagining him killing anything, much less another human being. As he lifted his head to meet and hold her stare, Alex felt some of her anger dissolve. His large, intelligent eyes were not those of the killer he professed to be. She saw the faraway look in them and was lulled by his low voice. Wanting to make peace as she’d always tried to do in her own family, controlled by a father who ruled by anger, Alex responded. After all, Jim McKenzie had saved her life.

“Yes, I remember,” she said softly. “I used to sit in front of our radio just waiting for the next weekly serial to come on.”

Relief washed over Jim. He saw Alex struggle to be polite although anger still lurked in her eyes. “I can remember as a ten-year-old kid hardly being able to wait for the next Lone Ranger and Tonto story. I liked them, I liked what they did. They were always saving people who were in trouble.” The corners of Jim’s mouth lifted with the memory. “I used to make believe I was the Lone Ranger. I went out back, found a saplin’ and cut it down. That was Silver, my horse. When I wasn’t doing chores or huntin’ with Pa, I’d be galloping around the hills, pretending I was saving people in trouble.”

Alex shut her eyes. “I—I remember those times...the radio shows. That seems so long ago....”

“We were young ’uns.”

“I was eight years old.”

“Who was your favorite?”

Alex opened her eyes. “I always liked Tonto.”

“He never said much, but then, he was an injun.”

“I liked him because he saved the Lone Ranger when he got into trouble.”

“I guess we both wanted to help people,” Jim whispered. “Nurses definitely do that.” He frowned. “I thought recons helped, too, but, I was wrong....”

“There’s nothing wrong with helping others,” Alex said. “You said recons saved a lot of marine lives. I think that’s positive.”