The Comic Latin Grammar: A new and facetious introduction to the Latin tongue

Except, likewise, those genitive and dative cases of the fifth declension where the vowel e, like Punch’s nose, is made long between two i’s, as faciēi, of a face.

The syllable fi also in fīo is long, except e and r follow together, as fĭerem, fĭeri.

Fīent quæ “Fĭeri Facias” mandata vocantur:

The writ which is called “Fieri Facias” will be made.

Fi. fa. is a legal instrument that deprives a poor man of his mattress that a rich one may lounge on his ottoman. Ca. Sa. is a similar benevolent contrivance for punishing misfortune as felony.

Dīus, heavenly, has the first syllable long; – Diana, common: and so has the interjection Ohe!

Thus there’s a common medium of connexion,

Between a goddess and an interjection.

A vowel before another in Greek words is sometimes long, as

Cærula, Pīerides, sunt vobis tegmina crurum:

Oh, Muses, your stockings are blue.

Also in Greek possessives, as

Somniculosa fuit, pinguisque Ænēia nutrix:

Æneas’s nurse was sleepy and fat.

Æneas has often enough been represented in arms.

In Latin mark, that every dipthong

’S as long as any stage-coach whip-thong;

Except before a vowel it goes,

When ’tis as short as Elsler’s clothes.

Words derived from others are tarred with the same stick, that is, are assigned the same quantity as those which they are derived from, with some few exceptions, which we must trouble the student to fish for.

Compounds follow the quantity of their simple words, as from lĕgo lĕgis, to read, comes perlĕgo, to read through.

By the way, reading does not always induce reading through; though we hope it may in the case of the C. L. G.

If to a preterperfect tense belongTwo only syllables, the first is long;As vēni, vīdi, vīci, speech so cool.Which Cæsar made to illustrate our rule;To which we need not cite exceptions small.Look in your Gradus and you’ll find them all.

Consult also the Eton Grammar, and works of the poets, passim, as well for exceptions to the above as to the two following rules:

1. Words that double the first syllable of the preterperfect tense have the first syllable short – as cĕcĭdī from cădŏ, &c.

Fortis Higinbottom cĕcidit terramque mŏmordit:

Brave Higinbottom fell and bit the ground.

2. A supine of two syllables has the first syllable long —

As vīsum lātum lōtum mōtum:

And many more if we could quote ’em.

Of the Quantity of the last Syllable

We have had a poetical fit gradually growing upon us for some time – ’tis of no use to resist – so here goes —

Oh! Muse, thine aid afford to me,Inspire my Ideality;Thou who, benign, in days of yore,Didst heavenly inspiration pourOn him, who luckily for usSang Propria Quæ Maribus;Teach me to sound on quiv’ring lyre,Prosodial strains in notes of fire;Words’ ends shall be my theme sublime,Now first descanted on in rhyme.Come, little boys, attention lend,All words are long in a that end:(In proof of which I’ll bet a quart,)Excepting those which must be short —As pută, ită, posteă, quiă,Ejă, and every case in iă;Or a, save such as we must classWith Grecian vocatives in as,And ablatives of first declension —Besides the aforesaid, we may mentionNouns numeral that end in ginta,Which common, as a bit of flint are.Some terminate in b, d, t;All these are short; but those in cForm toes – I mean, form ends of feetAs long – as long as Oxford Street.Though nĕc and donĕc every bardHath written short as Hanway yard,Fac, hic, and hoc are common, thoughTh’ ablative hōc is long you know.Now “e finita” short are reckon’d,Like to a jiffey or a second,Though we must call the Gradus wrong,Or these, of fifth declension, long.As also particles that comeIn mode derivative therefrom.Long second persons singularOf second conjugation are,And monosyllables in e.Take, for example, mē, tē, sē,Then, too, adverbial adjectivesAre long as rich old women’s lives —If from the second declinationOf adjectives they’ve derivation:Pulchrē and doctē, are the kindOf adverbs that I have in mind.Fermē is long, and ferē also —Benĕ, and malĕ, not at all so.Lastly, each final eta Greek,Is long on all days of the week —To wit – (for thus we render nempe)Lethē, Anchisē, cetē, Tempē.Those words as long we classifyWhich end, like egotists, in i,Rememb’ring mihi, tibi, sibiAre common, so are ubi, ibi;Nisĭ is always short, and quasĭ’sShort also, so are certain casesIn i – Greek vocatives and datives(At least if we may trust the natives;)Making their genitives in os,For instance – Phyllis, Phyllidos.(A name oft utter’d with a sigh,)Whereof the dative ends in ĭ.Words in l ending short are all,Save nīl for nihil, sāl, and sōl,And some few Hebrew words t’were wellTo cite; as Michaēl, Raphaēl.Your n’s are long, save forsitănĬn, tamĕn, attamĕn, and ănVeruntamĕn and forsăn, whichAre short as any tailor’s stitch;These, therefore, we except, and thenContractions “per apocopen” —As vidĕn’? mĕn’? and audĭn? – so inExĭn’ and subĭn’, deĭn’, proĭn’.An, from a nominative in aEnding a word is short, they say,But every an for long must passDerived from nominative in as.Nouns, too, in en are short whose finisDoth in the genitive make inis.And so are n’s that do delight ĭnAn i and y– Alexĭn, Ity̆n.Greek words are short I’d have you know,That end in on with little o,Common are terminating o’s,Cases oblique except from those,Adverbial adjectives as falsōAre long, – take tantō, – quantō also;Save mutuo, sedulo, and crebro.Common as vestment vending Hebrew.Modŏ and quomodŏ amongShort o’s we rank – nor to be long.Nor citŏ, egŏ, duŏ; no norAmbŏ and Homŏ ever prone are;But monosyllables in o,Are counted long. Example – stō.And omega, the whole world over,’S as long as ’tis from here to Dover.If r should chance a word to wind up,’Tis short in general, make your mind up;But fār, lār, nār, and vīr, and fūrPār, compār, impār, dispār, cūr,As long must needs be cited here,With words from Greek that end in er;Though ’mong the Latins from this fate areThese two exempted – patĕr, matĕr;Short in the final er we state ’em,Namely, “auctoritate vatum.”Now, s, the Eton Grammar says,Ends words in just as many waysAs there are vowels – five – as thusIn order, as, es, is, os, us.As, in a general way appearsLong unto all but asses’ ears,But some Greek words take care to mark asShort, – for example – Pallăs, Arcăs —And nouns increasing plural sportAn as accusative that’s short.Es in the main’s a long affair,Anchisēs, such, and patrēs are,Though of the third declension youAs short such substantives must view,The genitives of which increase,Derived from nominatives in es,And have an accent short uponThe syllable that’s last but one.As milĕs, segĕs, divĕs, (whichMeans what a Poet is n’t,) – rich:But pēs is long, with bipēs, tripēs,Like to a hermit munching dry pease.To these add Cerēs, Saturn’s cub,(Name of a goddess, and for grubThe figure Metonymy through,)And ariēs, abiēs, pariēs, too.Sum with its compounds forming ĕs,Are short, join penĕs, if you please,Item Cyclopĕs Naiadĕs.Greek nominatives and plural neuters,For lists of which consult your tutors.Is, we call short, as Parĭs, tristĭs,Save all such words as mensīs, istīs.Plurals oblique that end in is,Adding thereto for quibus quīs.The is in Samnīs long by right isBecause its genitive’s Samnītis,Where you observe a lengthened stateOf syllable penultimate.The same to all such words applies,And īs contracted, meaning eis,Long too, – and pray remember thisAre monosyllables in is.Save ĭs the nominative pronoun,And quĭs, and bĭs, which last is no noun.When verbs by is concluded are,In second person singular;But in the plural itis make,The is is long, and no mistake —Provided always that the pe-Nultimate plural long shall be.Os, saving compŏs, impŏs, ŏsIs long – as honōs dominōs.The Greek omicron ’s short, and that inAll conscience must be so in Latin.Words should be short in us, unlessAuthority has laid a stressOn the penultimate of anyWord that increases in the geni-Tive case when us is long, the samePronunciation nouns may claim —Declined like gradūs or like manūsThough here exceptions still detain us.The first case and the fifth are thoseSingular; short as monkey’s nose.Long are mūs, crūs, and thūs and sūsAll monosyllables in ūs,And Grecian nouns by diphthong ous,Translated us by men of nous.Lastly, all words in u are long,And so we end our classic song.

And not our song only, but our work – the companion of our solitude – the object of our cares – for which alone we live, for which we consumed our midnight oil; and not only that, but also burnt a great deal of daylight. – Our work, we say, is ended – and such as it is we commit it to the world. Horace says Carm. Lib. iii, Ode XXX. (an ode which by some strange association of ideas, is always connected in our mind with the visionary image of a jug of ale,) “Exegi monumentum ære perennius,” I have perfected a work more durable than brass. Whether our production is characterized by the durability of that metal or not, is a question which we leave to the decision of posterity; we cannot, however, help thinking that, considering the boldness of our attempt, it possesses figuratively at least, something in common with the substance in question – and we would fain hope that that something does not consist in hardness.

And now farewell to the reader – farewell, “a word that must be and hath been” – said a great many times when once would have been quite sufficient. We need not, therefore, repeat it; nor need we say how much we hope that we have amused, instructed him, and so forth; that being as much an understood thing to put at the end of a book, as “Love to papa, mamma, brothers and sisters,” in a holiday letter.

Nothing, then, remains for us now to do, but to kick up our hat and cry

“ALL OVER.”FINIS