The Prince Charming List

I scanned the appointment book. Sure enough, Lorelei Christy was supposed to be my four o’clock. The last shall be first and the first shall be last. According to Bernice’s system, that meant she was a “low maintenance.” Which meant that Mrs. Kirkwood, my last appointment for the day…wasn’t.

“All right.” Lorelei slipped off her lavender cardigan and draped it across the back of a chair. “I’m sure if Bernice hired you, we’ll get along just fine. Right, dear?”

As far as I was concerned, Lorelei Christy was the dear.

“What would you like me to do today, Mrs. Christy?”

“Just a shampoo and set. The yellow rollers work the best. And I like the shampoo that smells like coconut. It reminds me of the cruise Edward and I took for our fiftieth wedding anniversary.”

By the time I was finished, I wanted to adopt Mrs. Christy and add her to my grandparent collection. She’d told me all about her family, recited her recipe for rhubarb pie, quizzed me afterward, and filled me in on her plans for the summer—which involved knitting slippers for the upcoming preschool class.

“Oh, I almost forgot your tip.” Mrs. Christy turned back to the counter and reached into her purse. “Here you go.” She handed me a neatly folded dishcloth.

If I shook it, would a five-dollar bill fall out?

“I crochet them myself. If you don’t like pink I have a green one in here somewhere—”

“No. Pink is fine. I love pink.”

“You’re a sweet girl. I’ll see you next week. Four o’clock.”

That wasn’t so bad. One down, four to go.

Five minutes after Mrs. Christy left, a harried-looking mom pulled four-year-old twin girls into the salon. I checked the appointment book. Natalie and Nicole. Adorable. They were even dressed alike. This was one of the times I got that wistful I-wish-I-had-a-sister feeling.

They each picked out a chair by the window but their sweet, identical smiles disappeared as soon as their mother announced she needed to run to the grocery store for a gallon of milk. Because she’d only be gone for a few minutes and the girls would be fine without her.

“Who’s first?” I patted the back of the chair.

The girls linked arms in a show of defiant solidarity. A scene from Lady and the Tramp—the one with the Siamese cats—came to mind. No one at cosmetology school had coached me through this scenario.

“One at a time.” Come on, Heather. Don’t let them get the best of you.

Natalie scowled at me. “Where’s the elephant chair?”

“I want the elephant chair, too,” Nicole whined.

Could four-year-olds smell fear?

“Can I have a sucker now?”

Aha. Leverage. “No suckers until after you get your hair cut.”

“Bernice lets us.”

I knew this was a big fat fib. Bernice would never let kids get sticky until they were about to go home. “I’ll get the elephant chair while you two decide who’s going to be first.” There you go, Heather. Pleasant but assertive. Fortunately, I’d paged through a few of Mom’s parenting books over the years!

While my back was turned, I heard their low, candy-sweet voices planning their next move.

Think fast, Heather.

“You girls are lucky today—you get the ten-o’clock special,” I said, pretending I didn’t see Nicole stick her tongue out at me as I turned around.

“What’s that?” Natalie tilted her head and Nicole elbowed her in the side.

“A manicure—and you even get to pick out the nail stickers.” I stared at the clock. “Oh, oh. Only ten minutes left…I don’t know if I’ll have time…”

“I’ll go first!” Natalie bounded over to the elephant chair while her sister crossed her arms and pouted.

Yes! Divide and conquer.

By the time their mother strolled in forty-five minutes later, holding a cup of coffee from Sally’s Café, I was just finishing up Nicole’s manicure. There’d been a tense moment when the girls had tried to talk me into letting them each take home an extra set of stickers but after I’d gently pointed out that other little girls might want them, too, they hadn’t pushed the issue.

I was going to be a wonderful mother someday, I just knew it….

“Look, Mommy! She painted my fingernails. And I have pony stickers.” Nicole spread out her fingers for her mom to admire.

Mom frowned.

“No charge,” I said quickly, and winked at the girls. “The ten-o’clock special.”

“My stickers are better,” Natalie announced. “Mine are kitties.”

“Purple kitties.” Nicole tossed her head. “Kitties aren’t really purple, so mine are better.”

Wait. What was happening here? My brilliant idea was being hijacked by a pair of three-foot-tall divas.

“You didn’t give them the same stickers?” Mom turned accusing eyes on me.

“Ah, I let them pick out the ones they wanted.” What kind of pre-parenting mistake had I just made? I was an only child. Was this something I was supposed to know?

The look she gave me was both pitying and resigned.

“How long do the stickers usually last?”

“About a week.”

She nodded. And sighed.

“You have a pink pony.” The war waged on around us. “There aren’t pink ponies, either!

“Duh! On the merry-go-round.”

“Girls!” In the time it took for Mom to put her cup down, Natalie had launched herself at her sister and they were locked in battle. In the elephant chair. Which began to teeter.

In slow motion, I saw the chair begin its downward descent and I managed to catch Nicole as she pitched out of it. Fortunately Mom must have been working out because she practically vaulted over the counter. It was her oversize purse—which I’d thought looked a bit outdated when I first saw it—that broke Natalie’s fall.

The elephant chair wasn’t as lucky. His trunk snapped off.