Mum’s the Word

One well-worn path led right past Robert’s front door – it was the way Susie had walked most mornings for the last three years, and from where she was standing now she could see the roof of his house and the chimneys, the pantiles and the dark red ridge caught on the skyline between the trees. In the past, two or three times a week she’d drop in and they’d have a cup of tea together first thing, or hot chocolate in the winter. Sometimes he’d ring to see when she was leaving for her walk, then catch up with her and accompany her round part of the way before he left for work. There had been lots of mornings when she hadn’t needed to go into work so they had sneaked back to bed, leaving Milo dozing by the Aga, and there had been the odd, glorious, over-the-kitchen-table mornings. But not this morning, not any morning, not ever again.

The trouble was that whatever happened next with Robert, it was going to happen right under her nose. How was she going to feel when she met Robert walking hand in hand across the common with some other woman? Worse still, how would it feel when she met them bumping a buggy over the grass?

Susie could see them now, all tousled and Sunday Times beautiful, dressed in matching Aran sweaters. Robert with a toddler on his shoulders, the child amusing himself by giggling at his reflection in Robert’s bald spot, while whatever-her-name-was – who, in Susie’s imagination, had become a leggy blonde from one of the shampoo ads, and not a day over twenty-five – pushed a designer buggy with a plump blonde baby in it, the family Labrador trotting placidly alongside them.

Susie sniffed. Knowing Robert he’d probably invite her to the christening as a consolation prize, ask her to be little Tarquin Oliver’s godmother, so she’d end up having to go round at Christmas, and turn up on sports day to cheer him on, and have him for the weekend while Blondie and Robert caught a West End show for their anniversary.

Susie sighed. Some days, having a vivid imagination could be a real pain in the arse.

‘Susie? Wait –’

Oh no. She closed her eyes and braced herself for whatever was to follow. Maybe Robert had been laying in wait for her; maybe he’d been loitering over by the bushes, anxious not to look too desperate. Maybe he was planning to introduce her to Blondie right this minute? Or maybe he missed her –

What was she going to say to him? What was there to say that hadn’t already been said? Susie tacked on a smile and swung round, only to discover Matt jogging up the track towards her.

‘Hi,’ he said breathlessly, leaning forward, hands on knees to catch his breath. ‘God, I’m so out of shape. Fancy a bit of company? I’m not sure how much longer I can pretend that Jack’s snoring isn’t keeping me awake. On site I have to keep waking him up and telling him to turn over – I mean, my god, how did Ellie cope?’ Straightening up and not waiting for an answer he fell into step alongside her. ‘You okay?’ he asked.

‘Yes, fine thanks. Why wouldn’t I be?’

‘Well, for a start you look like shit; and Jack was telling me all about you and Robert last night.’

‘How very kind of him.’

‘He did mention you two had split up while we were working on the spare room yesterday, but I had no idea it was so recently.’

Susie said nothing, wondering exactly why Matt was so interested in her love life.

‘We opened up another bottle after you went to bed last night and he told me all about it. Friday? He said you were planning to get married or something. Sounds like the baby thing was a real bolt out of the blue.’

Susie tucked her chin down and carried on down towards the pond. She wasn’t sure how she felt about having her love life used as after-dinner conversation.

‘You must feel awful,’ he said.

‘I never actually said we were getting married, okay? Look, do you mind if we talk about something else? I need to walk Milo and then go home and get ready for work.’

‘Sure, sorry – and I understand, but it’s good to talk. At least I had some warning, some sense that things were going wrong,’ Matt continued, as if he hadn’t heard her. ‘Jack’s really worried about you, you know. He said you were bottling it up. It does you good to talk these things through, to let them out. That’s what I keep saying to him – just stop trying to be such a hero – life sucks.’

Susie stared at Matt, trying to work out if he was being serious. From the expression on his face, apparently he was.

‘And what I think is that Jack’s focusing on my problems rather than looking at what’s going on in his own life, don’t you?’ said Susie briskly. ‘Did he tell you about what’s going on with Ellie?’

Matt nodded. ‘Of course he did, but he’s still worried about you.’

‘Matt, I’m not sure what business it is of yours but it’s never been my habit to discuss my love life with my children.’

‘Fair enough, but you ought to talk to someone. Things had been going bad between me and Alex for a couple of years before we split – lots of non-communication, lots of not quite getting to the bottom of things. Alex wouldn’t open up about what was going wrong, but could make a row last a month and the recriminations and back-biting last three. Scottish, redhead, fiery as hell.’ He shook his head. ‘Mind you, I’m no angel either, I’ve got to take at least fifty per cent of the blame – and I certainly gave as good as I got. But what we never did was talk, not really talk. We just used to rerun old arguments. And it was hard for Alex – my parents didn’t see it as any of their business when we moved in together, but not Alex’s, they’re Christians, really strait-laced – anyway, that caused all kinds of stress.’

He fell silent. Jack was right, Matt was evidently still cut-up about it. They ambled on a bit further down past the willow trees and the pond and the ducks, and Susie waited for him to continue, but instead he waved the words away and said, ‘Sorry. Old news. Tell me about you and Robert.’

‘I didn’t think men were meant to talk about all this stuff.’

He laughed. ‘As a rule I don’t. It’s a completely new thing for me really. Alex and I were supposed to go along for counselling when things started to go wrong, but after the first couple of sessions Alex pulled out, despite having been the one who suggested it in the first place, so I went on my own and, despite all my doubts and mickey-taking, it’s really helped. You know, to work out how I feel and –’

‘Except that now you talk too much?’ Gay and in therapy, what more could a girl want?

‘Yeah, more than likely.’ He paused and then said with a grin, ‘It helped me to get in touch with my feminine side. Alex told me it would.’

Susie swung round, grimacing. ‘Oh please, pass me a bucket.’

He laughed. ‘Prefer your men strong and silent?’

Susie laughed. ‘Uh-huh, I most certainly do. Strong, silent and stinking rich.’

‘So – was that what attracted you to Robert?’

Susie slipped Milo off the lead and watched as he ambled across the rough grass towards the trees, totally engrossed in dog business, and then she stuck her hands into her pockets and sighed. ‘His money? Hardly. I’m not sure what it was … Have you ever been with someone and known that it isn’t quite right but not wrong enough to do anything about? With Robert there were no rows, no great ups and downs, and I suppose if I’m honest, no great passion either, but it was nice to have someone to share things with. And it hurts because I do love him, but I’m not in love with him. It was okay; it was convenient. For both of us.’

‘Okay?’ Matt said. ‘And is okay and convenient what you wanted?’

Susie reddened self-consciously, feeling the return of tears and self-pity. ‘No, no, of course not, but it was what we ended up with and it was all right – and let’s face it, I’m not getting any younger.’ It sounded so lame and so very pathetic said out loud. ‘It wasn’t exactly how I’d imagined my life turning out but it was – okay.’

Matt snorted. ‘For god’s sake. None of us are getting any younger, but that’s no excuse for settling for okay.’

‘I know,’ she snapped, suddenly angry, ‘and you know what, Matt, it’s none of your bloody business. I can live without the pop psychology. I’m not even sure why I’m so upset really, it’s ridiculous. Hurt pride probably. Robert wasn’t right for me at all, and I knew that, but I suppose I’d got to the point where I was prepared to settle for him.’ She paused, rapidly running out of steam. ‘It’s not a great reason, is it?’

Matt shook his head.

‘And then all of a sudden there was all this bloody business about him wanting a baby; it blew me clean out of the water. And that’s the bit that really hurts. When I was young I’d been all grown up and responsible before I really had time to think about it, looking after Jack and Alice. Their dad, Andy, was – well, we were both too young to be parents really but we muddled through. I’ve been happy about getting older, having more freedom, less responsibility, travelling, having more money and more time for myself – the kids are gone now – and then this came along and just slammed me up against all my insecurities.’ She paused, dipping deeper into her pocket to find a tissue. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘I asked, remember?’

Susie laughed. ‘More fool you. You know, that whole feminine-side thing isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Instead of crying I’ve been thinking it would feel so much better to storm over there, kick the door open and punch his lights out. And anyway, I’m too old to have a baby.’

They fell into step, Milo pottering up ahead of them between the trees. After a little pause Matt said, ‘I’m sure it’d be possible if you’d got the money. I mean, you’re not that old. I’ve seen the stories in the paper, one woman was sixty, wasn’t she? Maybe you should ring Robert, talk to him, and tell him you’re ready to give it a shot. The thing is, do you want a baby?’

Susie swung round to glare at him. ‘For god’s sake, of course I don’t want a baby. When I say I’m too old it isn’t just about the physical thing. I’ve thought a lot about it since Robert sprung it on me, about whether I’d really want to go through all that again if I had the chance, but the bottom line is that I don’t. It’s not just having a baby, is it? Although at my age even that’s not going to be a doddle. It’s bringing it up, all those sleepless nights, teething, crying, never having a minute to yourself – nursery school, babysitters, the worry. When I did it first time round it wasn’t any easier but I loved it, it felt the right thing to be doing at the right time. But not now. God, no.’

And it was true, and saying it out loud made her feel better.

‘And most certainly not with him. Good god, I don’t think I’d want to have a baby with Robert, however old I was. The man is such a stiff. Pompous, arrogant, always right. He’d drive me crazy.’

‘As the father of your baby?’

‘As anything.’ She stopped, looked at Matt and then laughed. ‘You know, you’re right, settling for okay and convenient should never be an option.’

Matt smiled broadly as if all this was a personal triumph. ‘See,’ he said. ‘You’re doing the right thing, you’re just hurt at the moment.’

‘Trust me, Matt, just hurt doesn’t anywhere near cover it, but this is the right thing. Robert wanting a family is a perfectly reasonable thing to want, but not with me. Oh, and on top of all that it looks like I’m going to be a granny,’ she said. ‘A granny – can you believe it?’ And to her horror, Susie heard her voice crack and then break.