Three Letters

The idea of Tom carrying some deep problem he felt unable to share was deeply worrying to the old man; so much so that he began pacing back and forth across the parlour.

Upstairs, Tom lingered by the bathroom door while young Casey squirted a measure of toothpaste onto his finger before rubbing it into his teeth. ‘If we’re staying here now, I’ll need a new toothbrush. I don’t want to go back and get my old one. Is that all right, Dad?’

‘Fine by me, so long as you stop talking and get on with the business of cleaning your teeth.’

A few minutes later, Casey was done. He then wiped the basin over with a flannel. ‘That’s all clean now, eh, Dad?’ Combing his tousled hair, he smiled at Tom.

‘Why yes! I don’t think I’ve ever seen such a clean basin. I reckon Granddad Bob will be very pleased with that. You know how fussy he is about his bathroom.’

As they made their way to the small bedroom, Casey wanted to know, ‘Why is Granddad Bob so fussy about his bathroom?’

Tom gave it some thought. ‘I reckon it’s because, for a long time, we never had a proper bathroom. My mother – the grandma you never knew – well, she always dreamed of having a proper bathroom, instead of bringing in the tin bath that hung on the wall outside. So anyway, when they finally got the boxroom turned into a bathroom, Mam was so happy that she was very particular about having it left clean and tidy.’

‘Why was she so puticlar?’

‘I think you mean “particular”.’

‘Hmm! Well, why was she so … you know … that?’

‘I’ll answer your question when you say the word properly.’ Tom sounded it out: ‘Par-tic-u-lar.’

‘All right then. So, why was she so par-tic-u-lar?’

Laughing, Tom clapped his hands. ‘Well done! Mum was so proud of the bathroom that she wanted visitors to see it in all its shining glory, polished up and clean as a whistle. Your granddad remembers that, and it’s why he, too, wants the bathroom always to be left clean, just the way Grandma would have liked it.’

‘Oh, I see.’ Casey was happy with the explanation.

Tom turned back the bedclothes and Casey climbed in.

‘Dad?’

‘Yes, son?’

‘I love it here, with Granddad Bob.’

‘Good.’

‘Can we stay for ever?’

‘Maybe.’

‘Would you like to stay here for ever, Dad?’

‘I think so.’ If things were different, he wondered if his answer might have been more definite.

‘And d’you think Granddad Bob would be willing to put up with us, if we stayed for ever, I mean?’

‘Yes, ’cause we’d be sure and look after him, wouldn’t we?’

‘That’s right! You could take him to the pub sometimes, and in the summer we could go on picnics; he’d like that. And I could run errands and fetch in the coal. We could go to Blackpool on Sundays and ride on the hobby-horses and after that, we could make sandcastles on the beach. Oh, and then—’

‘Whoa!’ Tom laughed out loud. ‘That all sounds too exhausting and wonderful, and I’m sure Granddad Bob would love it, but I don’t think it’s a good idea to get all wound up just now, when I need you to go to sleep.’ He added cautiously, ‘No doubt there’ll be time for all that later on.’

The memories of his own wonderful childhood flooded Tom’s mind and lifted his heart. Lately, though, he had discovered that sometimes life was really cruel.

When the boy yawned again, Tom tucked the bedclothes over him. ‘I’m so proud of you, son.’ He sat on the edge of the bed, his fingers twining through the boy’s thick hair. ‘No man ever had a more wonderful son.’

‘Dad?’

‘Go to sleep, Casey.’

‘But I want to ask you a question.’

‘Aw, go on then. But that’s the last one.’

‘Are you proud of me when I play the guitar and sing?’

‘Of course. How could I not be proud of you, eh? You have a gift, and you must always use it. But I’m not only proud of you for that. I’m proud of you because you’re a good boy. It makes me feel special to have a son as fine as you.’

For a moment he paused, looking Casey in the eye. ‘I want you to tell me the truth, Casey. Are you sorry we left home … and your mam?’

‘No, Dad, I’m not sorry. I can’t be happy at home, because Mam won’t let me be. She gets angry and she makes me cry, even when I haven’t done anything wrong.’

Tom received the boy’s answer with mixed feelings. ‘Do you think you might be able to forgive her … some day in the future?’

Lowering his gaze, Casey considered Tom’s question before answering quietly, ‘I don’t know. Sometimes, I don’t like Mam very much, and sometimes … well, I think I might love her. Only she doesn’t want me to love her, and she won’t love me back.’

‘I understand what you’re saying,’ Tom reassured him. In his heart he was content to think that Ruth might never again get her claws into this boy. Then again, Casey was her son, and he needed a mother. And yet, if Ruth really had no warm feelings for him, he might be better off without her altogether.

‘It’s difficult to love someone, isn’t it?’ Tom said now. ‘Like you, I’m not really sure if she wants us or not. But there’s always the chance that she’ll change her mind. And if that happens, it would of course be for you to decide whether or not you want to forgive her.’

‘I’ll never forgive her!’ Casey had not forgotten. ‘She called me a liar, and I know what I heard. Anyway, she doesn’t want me. She said so.’

Before Tom could reply, the boy asked quietly, ‘She meant it, didn’t she, Dad?’

Tom shrugged. ‘Yes, I think she did … at the time, but when we’re angry, we all say all kinds of things we don’t mean.’

‘Well, if she doesn’t want me, then I don’t want her. I’ve made up my mind, and I won’t go back.’

‘All right, son. That’s enough now. We’re here at Granddad’s, and he said you can stay as long as you want. So, let’s leave it at that, shall we?’

‘All right.’

‘I love you, Casey, and all I want is for you to be happy.’

‘But I can’t be happy just now, ’cause I’m a little bit sad that I can’t play the guitar any more.’

‘Then we’ll just have to get it mended, won’t we?’