Born Bad

He could picture Judy in his mind so clearly. ‘I told her how sincere and lovely Judy was, and how for some reason known only to herself, she let me believe she was older than her years.’

‘You did right to tell Sara.’ Kathleen had no doubts on that score. ‘As for Judy, we were all fooled with regards to her age. I mean, she never went to school, at least not as far as we knew. So, it was natural to assume that she had left all that behind her. Anyway, lots of people left school at fourteen.’

‘But I should have known,’ Harry groaned. ‘Somehow, I should have known.’ He recalled one particular thing that had bothered him at the time, but Judy had explained it away, and he had had no reason to doubt her explanation.

Now though, having recalled the incident, he began to wonder.

He chose not to disclose this to Kathleen because it was a delicate, womanly thing, and he would find it embarrassing to talk about.

The truth was, that first and only time he and Judy made love, she was unusually nervous; almost as though she didn’t want to. In fact, he was so concerned he backed off, but Judy was adamant. ‘It’s what I want,’ she insisted.

Afterwards though, he felt as if he had betrayed her.

As it turned out, in the end, it was Judy who betrayed him.

Kathleen asked now, ‘How did Sara react to what you told her?’

‘Much like you … with compassion. She took it in her stride and urged me to track Judy down. “Put it to rest, once and for all,” is what she said, but at the time, I thought it might be best to leave it behind us.’

‘So, what made you come back now, after all this time?’

‘It was Sara. When we were told she was not long for this world, she made me promise that I would contact you, and ask if Tom and I could come home.’

‘She was very wise, your Sara.’

Harry chuckled. ‘Sometimes, when I thought I was on my own, she would be watching, almost as though she knew what I was thinking. She felt my guilt. She knew I wanted to make amends with Judy, but didn’t know how.’ He was convinced of it. ‘Otherwise, why would she be so insistent that Tom and I should come back here?’

Practical as ever, Kathleen went on to dash his hopes. ‘Maybe it was all for nothing,’ she suggested thoughtfully. ‘Especially with Judy long gone from the street.’

Harry could not hide his disappointment. ‘Where did she go?’

‘I don’t know. All I know is after you’d gone away, she came to see me – in a frantic state she was. She told me everything. She admitted that she was only fourteen, and that she was with child. She said you had given her money and she’d already arranged to visit some old woman who, she claimed, had a reputation of dealing with unwanted babies. I tried my best to stop her. I even threatened to go and see her parents, but she warned me not to, because if her mother found out, she would skin her alive. So, I offered to find her a private clinic, if she really thought that was the right thing to do.’

‘So, what did she do?’ Harry’s guilt was tenfold.

‘I truly believed she was listening to what I had to say. I got her to promise not to do anything until she’d thought it through. I asked her to come back as soon as she felt able, and between us, we would find a way to deal with it.’

Saddened, she shrugged her shoulders. ‘When I didn’t see her for a while, I assumed she was still giving it some serious thought. Then a short time later, she told me she had already been to this woman, and that everything was all right now.’

Harry blamed himself. ‘If I hadn’t given her the money, she would never have done it.’ Now he wanted to know, ‘Where can I find this woman who gets rid of unwanted babies?’

Kathleen bristled. ‘If I knew that, Harry Boy, I would be speaking to the authorities.’

‘And are you really sure that Judy was all right afterwards?’

Kathleen nodded. ‘Like she said, everything was dealt with.’

‘Do you have any idea where she is now?’

‘’Fraid not. All I know is, soon after Judy came to see me, she and her family moved away. I don’t know why they left the street, or where they went. If I did I would tell you, so I would.’

Harry believed she was telling the truth.

‘How can I find her?’ he asked now. ‘Where should I look?’

‘Do you really want my opinion?’

‘Of course.’

‘Leave it be. Let her go, Harry Boy. Sometimes, raking over old coals can get you badly burned. They may look dead, but somewhere underneath, the flame often burns on.’

‘Kathleen!’ Harry felt that she was hiding something. ‘Do you know where Judy is?’

The little woman shook her head. ‘Wherever she is now, she’s obviously managed to put it all behind her. Happen you must do the same. Years have passed and things have changed. It’s time to look forward now. You need to build a future, for you and your son.’

The two of them talked well into the night, moving back indoors when it grew too chilly outside.

Harry wondered if there was work to be found locally, and Kathleen gave him a few pointers. ‘Well, there’s the Plysu factory in Woburn Sands,’ she said. ‘They’ve extended the business and need more people. Oh, and I heard that Jacobs’ Store in Bedford needs a new tallyman. Old Ernie Wright’s done the job for over twenty years, but he’s retired now.’

She was convinced. ‘That one should suit you down to the ground. You’ll get a good wage and you’ll be out and about, meeting all kinds of folks. What’s more, you’ll be able to work out your own route and timetable.’

She laughed out loud. ‘Old Ernie met a lot of naughty women on his rounds, including his second wife. He used to stop at every house and have a cuppa … though he never accepted a slice o’ cake until he got here.’ She gave another cheery, infectious giggle. ‘That’s because he knew the best cake lived at my house!’

Harry was highly amused, and for a time they got sidetracked; but then he needed to bring the conversation back to work. ‘So, what is a tallyman?’ he asked. If it was anything to do with figures he’d be fine, as he had often worked as a bookkeeper after leaving the Army.

‘If you call at the store, sure they’ll tell you all about it. And you know what? I reckon you’re just the fella they’re looking for.’

‘Oh, you do, do you?’ He was certainly interested. ‘In that case, I might just go and have a word with them.’

Later that night, when Harry and Tom were fast asleep, Kathleen sat at the kitchen table supping her bedtime drink.

In her mind she went over the conversation with Harry. ‘It’s a curious thing,’ she muttered, clearing away her cup, ‘how the love and devotion of two young people can create such a lifetime of heartache.’

Turning out the lights, she shuffled her way up the stairs and into her room, where she softly closed the door.

A moment later, with her arms raised to close the curtains, she took a few seconds to marvel at the night skies. She had always thought the heavens were uniquely magnificent. With a myriad of twinkling diamonds against a forever carpet of midnight blue, there could be no other creation like it in the whole world.

She stayed awhile, letting the beauty sink into her senses, then she quietly addressed the heavens. ‘Well, Judy, here we are,’ she whispered. ‘Your boy is home again. Sure, he’s a tortured man, and he’s looking to find his first love. So, what are we going to do, Judy m’darlin’? How will it all end, I wonder. And where are you now? What have you done with your life? More than that, did ye find happiness … or are ye haunted, just like yer man?’

She sat on the edge of the bed for a long time, thinking and wondering; recalling the very last conversation she had had with Judy.

After a time, she undressed and slid between the sheets, but she was deeply troubled, and not only because of the things she and Harry had openly discussed.

More importantly, it was the very things she had deliberately kept from Harry, that wounded her most and which made her deeply ashamed for the first time in her life. Bad things touching on abortion, family and wickedness. And especially the fact that Judy had come to see her another time; with news that had lifted her old heart in forgiveness.

She had toyed with the idea of telling Harry, then thought it kinder, and wiser, to let him believe what she had just now told him. It wasn’t her secret to reveal. Moreover, her suspicions were now substantiated. Yet doubts still tormented her.

She still didn’t have the whole story. At one point she had almost got the truth out of Judy; until the poor girl grew afraid and ran away.