The Fireman's Secret

“I don’t know if that’s wise.” He paused. “I mean, do you really want to bring up that bad memory again?”

Yes. That was where she had been burned. Why was he talking softer? As if it was a secret he didn’t want others to find out. He could say it. It wasn’t as if anyone could hear them.

“Don’t you see? That’s why I have to rebuild it.” She wouldn’t say the words out loud because Caleb would tell her what she felt was irrational, but ever since the fire, a part of her had felt trapped inside the ashes of the old church. Not long after the fire, she’d come up with the idea of rebuilding the church because it seemed like the only way to finally let go.

Caleb sighed. “Just tell me if you need something or if you need to talk or...you know. Anything.” The tone of his voice made it sound like he meant deep, serious talking, not simply an update about the church.

“Talk?”

“If you go through with it—rebuilding the church—it has the potential to drag up some really hard times for you. I’m here. That’s all I’m saying.”

“Thanks, but I’ll be fine. Hey, I’ve got to go. I can’t ride my bike and talk on the cell at the same time.”

“I just love you, Shelb.”

“I know you do.”

How could she make him see? Rebuilding the church wouldn’t open old wounds.

No. It would finally heal her.

* * *

Joel strolled past the blazing-red fire engine, letting his fingers trail over the cool metal.

He caught a reflection of himself in a tinted wall of glass and froze. How would people react if he told them the truth about the church like he’d originally planned to? Of course, he couldn’t do that now. Not after hearing that the church had burned all the way to the ground. When he’d set it ablaze all those years ago, he figured he’d char a section, at most, before the fire engine arrived. Just enough to get his point across to God, since He hadn’t listened to Joel’s cries. Joel hadn’t stuck around long enough to find out the total damage.

It had seemed like a great idea to his sixteen-year-old self.

Without a doubt, if people knew what he had done, they would treat him differently again—like they always did. Not just differently. They’d probably run him out of town. Certainly, Chief Wheeler would fire him. And Joel wouldn’t blame him. Who would keep a fireman with a history of arson on the payroll? Now no one could ever find out. His happiness in Goose Harbor depended on it.

When he first saw the listing for a position with the Goose Harbor Fire Department, he’d prayed about it. After a week of praying, he had known he was supposed to apply. Now he wasn’t so sure. Why had God brought him back to the scene of his greatest failure? Last time Joel had left town, he’d been so angry at God for dashing his hopes once again, but he’d made peace since then. God wasn’t the enemy, just selfish humans like his mom and the people who had cast aside Dante. Really, God was the only one who’d ever accepted him as is.

Probably the only one who ever would.

Maybe he shouldn’t have come back to Goose Harbor, after all. It had been a fool’s dream to think he could return without the past dogging his heels everywhere he went. But he was here now and needed to make the best of his new life. For starters, if he knew one thing, it was that staying on the chief’s good side was rule number one in fire department code. The chief wanted him to work with Shelby on a fund-raiser, so he’d do it.

There was a bright side: working with Shelby. Joel wouldn’t mind getting to know her better or spending hours beside the pretty woman. Not one bit. She’d been cute when he last lived in town. Just a scrawny thing made up more of knees and elbows than anything else. She’d had braces back then, and hadn’t tamed the curl in her hair like she had now. The years had been good to her. Maybe spending time with her could knock out the other thing the chief wanted him to find—something worth coming home to.

Cool down, Joel.

Focus. The chief was wrong to encourage him to get attached. People failed him. Always. He was here to finally feel like he belonged somewhere. Getting involved with a woman wouldn’t help that. It would only provide a reason to leave when things fell apart.

Like they always did.

His life could count for the work he did, the lives he helped save, whether from fires or as an EMT coaxing a teen to get in the ambulance instead of taking more pills and ending it all. Each act, each day, was penance for him. Perhaps at some point, he’d think he was good enough for God and for a woman. But not now. Not yet.

Who was he kidding? Probably not ever.

The knot that had been forming in his stomach since he first decided to return to Goose Harbor unwound just a little. After having been a firefighter for the past six years, being in a station set him at ease.

The engine, the axes, the gear—these things he knew and understood. The outside world, well, he couldn’t say the same when he walked out of the building. He didn’t know the first thing about relationships, putting down roots and creating a future—all the things he hoped for and dreamed about. Once he walked out the front doors again, the knot in his stomach would tighten right back up.

The wolves of his past howled in his mind. Not wanted. Not good enough. Not worth it.

Four days after his sixth birthday, Joel became a ward of the State of Michigan. Even at that age, he’d known his mother couldn’t take care of him.

Unwelcome images projected onto his mind’s eye, stop-action pictures reminiscent of an old scratchy movie. A bone-thin woman with flaxen hair sat cross-legged at a table with a razor and white powder. Men filtered into the apartment one after another. Uncapped syringes on the counter, and Mom with a green bottle in her hand laughing. Angry yelling and people coming after her. Mom passed out on the kitchen floor.

Joel batted his hand in the air to shoo away the thoughts. That was a long time ago. A different life. He steeled himself against the image of the dark-haired little boy crouching in the corner of his memory. At thirty years old, he wanted nothing to do with that child anymore. The past needed to stay there. Locked tightly away, key tossed in a murky river.

Now he had a fresh chance to prove his worth. And that would include never telling anyone about the fire and everything else in his life he was ashamed about. No matter what.

“Joel?” Someone walked up behind him.

He turned. “Caleb? Is that you?”

Caleb stepped forward and, before Joel realized it was happening, his old friend was giving him a tight, quick man hug. Joel thumped him on the back twice.

Stepping back, Caleb smiled. His old friend hadn’t changed much. He was still bigger than Joel and looked as if he lifted weights every day. Caleb had always had the outdoorsman look.

“It’s great to see you. I heard through the rumor mill at the old Cherry Top Café that you were back in town, so I came here to see if it was true.”

Joel shoved his hands deep into the pockets of his jeans. “I’m glad you still live here.”

Caleb shook his head slowly. “You’re back, right? For good? Not just visiting?”

“Back indefinitely. I start here at the department on Wednesday.”

“I hear you and Shelby are working on a fund-raiser.”

Only in Goose Harbor. “Word travels fast here. I found out about that myself only an hour ago.”

Caleb held up his phone. “I just hung up with her.” His old friend stepped closer. “It sounds like she’s pretty excited to get to know you again. I wanted to say...I’m worried. Shelby’s special.”

“That’s what everyone keeps saying.” Joel braced his shoulder against a doorjamb.

“Everyone?” Caleb’s voice instantly became a growl. “Who’s everyone?”

No matter how pretty Shelby was, a man would be foolish to tangle with Caleb. Even when they were teens, Caleb had fought to protect his family like a lion over the last piece of meat. Joel was smart enough not to step into that battle.

“Forget I said anything.”

Caleb glanced past Joel to the lounge room in the firehouse where a few of the other men played on the Wii. “Who have you been talking to about Shelby?”

“Cool down.” Joel grabbed Caleb’s arm and pulled him out of earshot of the other firefighters. “Just Chief Wheeler and only because she showed up here.”

Caleb paced a few feet away. “When you spend time with her, please don’t lead her on, okay? Keep it professional.”