Four Weeks, Five People

Having seen every camp movie made since 1950, including the entirety of Wet Hot American Summer, I feel fairly qualified to make the assessment that Stella is the girl that every guy here falls in love with by the end of camp. First off, she’s apparently already been at camp before, so she actually knows what’s going on. And second, she’s kind of a bitch, which, according to every rom-com ever made, is the number-one way to attract people with emotional problems and low self-esteem.

I resolve to spend as little time with her as possible.

JOSH

Well, anyway. All of this is just to say—WELCOME, friends! It is so, so good to see all of you. And on such a beautiful day, too—isn’t it? Nothing gets the positive energy flowing like fresh air filling your lungs on a beautiful day. Except maybe some good old-fashioned classic rock. The Doors, anyone? Jethro Tull?

* * *

Josh looks around the circle hopefully, but no one says anything. I start to feel like we’re being hazed. I mean, I’ve never actually been hazed, but I have seen Animal House, and I’m assuming that movie wasn’t added to the National Film Registry for nothing.

JOSH

Oh, well. Regardless, I could not be more excited to be beginning our journey together. I can only hope it will be as rewarding, as wondrous, as transformative, as my journey has been since starting at Camp Ugunduzi its first summer four years ago. Today, my spiritually embattled campers, we begin anew.

* * *

Josh beams and turns to face Jessie. I look around and am relieved to find that no one else appears to have any idea what he’s talking about, either.

JOSH

And now—Jessie? Would you care to bestow some of your wisdom upon our campers?

* * *

Jessie—short brown hair, glasses—ignores Josh’s wink and steps forward, smiling tightly. It’s the kind of smile that’s only one ill-advised statement away from becoming a frown. Jessie, it’s pretty obvious, is not going to start her opening remarks with a lineup of corny jokes.

JESSIE

Thank you, Josh. And thank you for your, ah, encouraging words.

* * *

She pauses for a minute. If Josh can sense any irony behind her words, his face doesn’t show it.

JESSIE

Like Josh, I am thrilled to welcome you to Camp Ugunduzi. I am confident that you will find the next weeks to be productive and supportive, and that when we part four weeks from today, we will all be better for our time here.

I encourage you to use Josh and myself as resources in whatever way you need. We are here to help. We are here to educate. We are here to be a support system. Please never feel afraid to use it.

* * *

Jessie pauses, readjusts her glasses.

JESSIE

On the other hand, we are not here to be your best friends. We will not turn a blind eye to misbehavior or any dangerous, illicit activity. We are here to keep you safe and healthy. Is that clear?

* * *

No response. Jessie tries again, the question sounding considerably more like a demand this time.

JESSIE

Is that clear?

* * *

This time, we all get the memo. A chorus of dutiful yeses fills the air. But no one looks particularly happy about it. Jessie’s an obvious reminder that as hard as we might try to pretend, this isn’t exactly the kind of camp you go to when you want to have a summer of fun and games.

JESSIE

Excellent. Now we can proceed to the introductions that matter—yours. Stella, will you start us off?

* * *

Not really a question. Stella glares at Jessie, who looks back calmly. There’s clearly history there. A beat. Two beats. Three beats.

STELLA

(“fuck you”)

I’d love to. What exactly do you want me to say?

JESSIE

Oh, nothing out of the ordinary. Why don’t we do—name, age, hometown, what brings you to Camp Ugunduzi. Anything else I’m missing, Josh?

JOSH

Mmm. Happy place.

* * *

Confusion flickers briefly over Jessie’s stern expression. Stella buries her face in her hands.

JESSIE

Sorry?

JOSH

Happy place. Where is your happy place? The place where you feel most at home. At one with yourself. In line with the rest of the universe. At peace—

JESSIE

Right. Happy place. Of course. Go ahead, Stella.