The Valentines: Happy Girl Lucky

Everything is shiny monotone, as if we’re in an old black-and-white movie. Even the huge vases of flowers on every available surface are white and silver.

Mum’s lying on a chaise longue positioned artfully in a flattering ray of sunshine. She’s wearing loose white silk pyjamas and isfully made-up. Her platinum-blonde hair is perfectly smooth, her eyes are closed and one hand is held delicately against her forehead. I’m deeply impressed. My mother really knows how to command a scene.

‘Oh, you have got to be kidding me,’ Mercy sighs flatly.

‘My darlings.’ Mum opens her silvery eyes with a flicker and stares at the ceiling. ‘It’s so good of you to come. I’ve missed you all so very much. Right in my bones, in the very essenceof – oof.’

I’ve lobbed myself on top of the chaise longue too.

‘Oh, Mum,’ I say, trying to wrap my arms round her. ‘We miss you too! How are you? Have you been for a walk in a field yet? You should, because you’re a Taurus so it would be an excellent health remedy for your pacific constitution.’

‘Would it?’ Mum says, patting me vaguely with three fingertips as I scooch over to give her more space. She struggles to her feet. ‘Goodness.’

Calmly, she smooths out the crumples I’ve made in her silk pyjamas. Then she looks down at me.

‘Hope, darling,’ she says with a tiny frown, ‘you must sit up straighter. You’re going to get a curved spine and that is so difficult to correct at your age.’

I immediately snap to attention. ‘Sorry.’

‘Faith.’ Mum glides over and takes Effie’s beautiful face between her hands. ‘My love, are you using that cream I gave you? Your pores are looking quite large. Don’t forget that those high-definition cameras will magnify each flaw.’

‘Every night, I promise, Mum.’

‘Good girl.’

Now it’s Max’s turn. ‘And how is the Barbican, my dear? I knowthe ghost doesn’t have any lines, but it’s a solid part. I did try tocall in a few favours, but a lot of it is down to your own acting skills, I’m afraid.’

My brother’s left eye twitches. ‘It’s good. I mean, I’m dead before the curtain goes up. That’s the dream, right?’

Mum ignores him and turns to Mercy.

‘Those leather trousers are gloriouson you, darling. But have you considered a size fourteen? They look uncomfortable in a twelve.’

A muscle in Mer’s jaw goes ping. ‘They fit perfectly, thanks.’

‘Of coursethey do.’ Mum smiles wanly. ‘I’m only thinking of you,darling.’

‘Are you? That makes a nice change.’

There’s a silence.

‘Mum,’ Faith says, stepping abruptly forward. ‘You might want to move away from the window. Max brought the paps and they’ve got long lenses.’

Mum’s back straightens immediately.

‘Ah,’ she nods, gliding nearer to the window and opening the curtains wide. ‘Such vultures. Is there no privacy any more? No respect for our personal space? Do these coyotes do nothing but take, take, take while we give, give, give?’

Mercy, Faith and Max glance at each other with lifted eyebrows.

‘Yeah,’ Mercy snaps. ‘Weird, that.’

Mum angles her beautiful high cheekbones towards the light, then stares bleakly into the far distance, silvery eyes shimmering. ‘Did you, perchance, happen to see anyone from the LA Times out there?’

‘Nope,’ Max grins. ‘But I did see the Telegraph. Wait, Grandma reads that, doesn’t she?’

Mum abruptly closes the curtains and steps away.

‘How … is she?’

‘She wants to know why you’re living here instead of at home with your children,’ Mer says, looking at her blood-red nails. ‘It’s a question we’re all quite eager to have answered, when you get a spare moment.’

‘Oh, my darlings,’ Mum says with a soft smile. ‘You are so sweet to worry about me. I will triumph, I promise you that.’ She perches neatly on the chaise longue, legs crossed elegantly at the ankle. ‘Although I’m afraid I’m feeling terribly tired. I have a two o’clock appointment with a very well-respected herbologist, so …’

There’s a silence while Mercy looks pointedly at her watch. It’s not quite ten in the morning yet.

‘Sure,’ Effie says, chewing on her bottom lip. ‘You must be wiped, Mum. We’ll see you next Sunday, yeah?’

Impulsively, I fling myself at Mum again.

‘Neptune is in retrograde,’ I whisper into her neck as she steadies herself on the plumped cushions behind her. ‘Which explains everything. So get lots of fresh air, stay away from the colour red and put this inside your pillowcase.’

Before my mother can respond, I sneak a little pouch of lavender into her hand, kiss her cheek and flit out of the room.

Exiting the scene beautifully.

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LOCATION SETTING: REHAB RECEPTION

‘Well,’ Max says as my siblings and I stare at each other blankly. ‘That was quite a lot worse than I thought it would be.’

Faith nods. ‘What are we going to do?’

‘Does she have no shame at all?’ Mercy screws up her nose. ‘It’s pathetic. Tragic. Sad.’

We’re reading from exactly the same page of the same script at the same time, like a seamless run-through of a Tony Award-winning sitcom.

‘So tragic,’ I agree emphatically, trying to grab all six of their hands at once in comfort. ‘So sad. Mum’s last big romantic film was so intense and so all-consuming that, to wall intensive purposes, it has totally worn her out. I thinkit’s time for Dad to hurry up and come back from LA as soon as possible.’

Max abruptly glances at me.

‘Hope,’ he says, studying my face carefully. ‘It’s for all intents and purposes. Mum’s not in rehab for bricks. And you do understand what’s going on, don’t you? You don’t actually believe—’

‘Effie,’ I burst out cheerfully. ‘That’s a good question. What are we going to do? We should compile our brainpower and find a way to stay positive. We need to keep Mum happy until Dad arrives home, because happiness is the most important thing there is. Apart from love, obviously. Any ideas?’

Max, Mercy and Faith stare at me.

‘I don’t have any,’ I say quickly, because they look very expectant. ‘You’re going to have to think too. I can’t do it all on my own.’