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Fiscal Ballads
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Год написания книги: 2017
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A MESSAGE FROM BROADMOOR
Altho' my brain is sound and well,An' mentally I've nothing wrong,They've locked me in a padded cell,An' watches me the 'ole day long;'Ow did I get in such a fix?'Twas all along o' politics.I'd studied Joe's Protection plan,An' thought I'd see what I could doTo benefit my fellow-manBy practisin' 'is 'opeful viewThat Exports is the all in all,And Himports should be nil – or small.So, when I stayed with Uncle Bill(My visit ain't improved 'is manners),I managed, when I left, to fillMy pockets with 'is best 'Avannahs;The cigarettes I left be'indWas quite the cheapest I could find.Yet Uncle Bill 'e couldn't seeThat since 'is Exports far exceeded'Is Himports – thanks, o' course, to me —That was exactly what he neededTo make 'im prosperous again;'E merely said I was insane!'E couldn't understand, wot's more,('E was a Cobdenite, an' still is),Why, when I traded at the door'Is hovercoat for Weary Willie's,'E, not the tramp, 'ad been the gainer;And yet – could anythink be plainer?One day a foreign merchant fleetWas anchored orf a British pier;The cargo, mostly Russian wheat,Designed for himportation 'ere;True to my principles, that nightI blew it up with dynamite.* * * * *The jury was a set o' twelveOld fossils o' the Asquith school;The judge was one they ought to shelve;My counsel was a bloomin' fool;'E talked o' my 'disordered brain,'An' never mentioned Chamberlain!So now they've sent me to a spotCongenial to my fiscal notions,Which, as I needn't say, is notThe same as Devonsheer's or Goschen's.But I'm not mad, I must insist:I'm merely a Protectionist!THE TURNING TIDE
Jim 'Icks was a Tory, ten years back;An' 'e cheered at each Tory win.An' 'e'd stand an' argue as white was black,For to 'elp them Tories in.But times (an' parties) is changed since then,An' 'e's wishful to 'elp 'em out agen.'Rat!' sez you? Maybe that's true.Nor 'e ain't the only oneAs 'eard wot them Tories said they'd do,An' as seed wot them Tories done;An' 'e don't feel noways bound, don't Jim,To blokes as 'as broke their word with 'im.'E nursed 'is party a many a year,An' 'e swollered their party tricks.Just draw up a cheer to the fire, an' 'earWot they promised the likes of 'Icks.An' I'll tell you arterwards, if I can,Wot the Tories done for the workin'-man.* * * * *Chamberlain, 'e was the fust to speak, —An', o' course, 'e spoke cocksure, —Of a pension of 'arf a crown a weekFor the old, 'ard-workin' poor.(An' many a cap was raised to Joe,When 'e made that promise, ten year ago.)Balfour nex' to the 'ustings comes,With a scheme for to 'elp improveThem dwellin'-'ouses in crowded slums,Where there warn't no room to move.(An' many a 'ope was kep' aliveBy the thought o' that promise o' '95.)Then come a plan for to keep awayThem furriners orf our shores;We 'asn't no use for the likes o' they,Wi' the crowds at our poor-'ouse doors.(But our English workmen is still denied,An' our English waiters can wait – outside!)* * * * *Ten year ago, that were. To-daySuch schemes is a trifle flat.'Twas Election-time, as I needn't say,When they promised the likes o' that.An' our Unemployed in their thousands swarm,An' our Poor Law waits for the pledged Reform.Ten year ago, that were; an' yetWe're a-watchin', with 'opeless eye,Our slum-choked women-folk starve an' sweat,An' our stunted children die.An' late an' early, early an' late,The old men waits at the work'us gate.I wouldn't be 'ard on them Tory chaps —No doubt as they done their best;But I can't 'elp thinkin' some'ow, per'aps,They'd be none the worst of a rest.That 'undred majority makes 'em slow,Let alone all the trouble they've 'ad with Joe.It's easy to sneer when you once begins,An' it's easy to badger an' blame;When the 'ins' is 'outs,' and the 'outs' is 'ins,'Very like they'll be just the same!No better, per'aps, but at least no wuss;An' they can't very well do less for us!Wot can this Guv'ment show to-dayBut them promises throwed aside?An' a country's confidence washed awayOn the ebb of a Tory tide?* * * * *Ten long years since they fust began!Ten good years for to plot an' plan!An' wot 'a they done for the workin'-man?ENVOI
Protectionist! (if you exist)Whose sympathies I can't enlist,Be sparing of your curses!Ah, don't abuse my Fiscal VIEWS,But, out of pity for the Muse,Look only at my VERSES!Free Trader, too, I beg of you,Whatever else you think or do,My lack of skill excuse. Ah!No doubt my VERSE could not be worse,And weak the rhymes that I rehearse;But, then, how sound my VIEWS are!(Thus may I strengthen – or convert,And no one's feelings need be hurt!)
