Pandora’s Box

I wish I had an easy way out of my life too.

I guess I do.

I’ve already gone through all my options on that score and I’ve made my decision but it isn’t a very thrilling one. I’m going to have to tell someone soon because keeping it all to myself is killing me. Ha ha.

It has to be someone who won’t say anything, though, or my plans will be ruined. I have to tell Mum, of course, but I want to tell someone else as well. I don’t know if I can trust Surinda. I want Krok.

SugarShuli says: I wish you could be happy for me.

ShelleyPixie says: Don’t think I’m not. Once you’re married you’re stuck with him, though, aren’t you, Surinda? I mean, with your family being the way it is, you won’t have the option of a quickie divorce if things don’t work out.

SugarShuli says: I’m content, girl. I couldn’t be happier. I see your Kieran boy was in the papers this morning?

She means Krok. Kieran is his real name.

ShelleyPixie says: Was he? What for?

SugarShuli says: He must have got them places he was after. They were doing a piece about how today’s youth have such high expectations and it’s all because of the hype surrounding game shows. They all had to say what they hoped to gain if they won. Kieran’s bit got the biggest coverage—they said because he’d tragically lost his parents and here was a lad who wanted to do something positive in their memory, but I think really they’re targeting him because he’s so photo…photoginetic.

ShelleyPixie says: Photogenic?

SugarShuli says: ’God damn gorgeous, girl! Anyway, he’s on tonight’s show.

Christ, is that what he’s been up to? I didn’t know. He hasn’t even bothered to let me know…I feel like not even watching it now. Plus, now there’s the added worry that everybody else is noticing him. I don’t want everyone else making a fuss of him. He’s mine.

ShelleyPixie says: Not been talking to Krok lately.

SugarShuli says: He pissed with you?

ShelleyPixie says: Why would he be?

SugarShuli says: Dunno. Maybe because you wont send him a photo? And he hasn’t sent you them tickets.

ShelleyPixie says: NOYB, is it? Anyway, even if we did get tickets—assuming he’s not eliminated in the next few weeks—how would we get there? Mum won’t take us so how would we…

SugarShuli says: Yes she would. Your mum is the best mum in the world. She gives you everything. You’re so lucky. She’d give you the lingerie I’m after if it was you in my place.

ShelleyPixie says: If it were me.

SugarShuli says: That’s what I said, if it was you.

ShelleyPixie says: If it were me, not was me. Anyway, why don’t you ask Jallal if he’s so loaded? It’ll be mainly for his benefit, won’t it?

SugarShuli says: lol. Big brother wants the computer off me—he’s looking for jobs now. Speak to U tomorrow.

ShelleyPixie says: Okay, CU then.

God, she’s so excited. She’s like a jumpy bunny. I’m a cow, I know, but I don’t want to hear all about it really. I wish I had some proper friends I could speak to, like Miriam, not just Surinda. I wish Krok would come back online. Maybe I could phone him and speak to him at the DVD shop? Just the thought of doing that gives me butterflies in my stomach. What if he doesn’t want to take my call? I’d be so embarrassed.

I was thinking about that last night. I looked up his shop but they aren’t listed on the Internet and Mum keeps the telephone directories upstairs so I can’t get to them without her wanting to know why, and I don’t want to tell her so I’m stuck. Unless Surinda does it for me?

ShelleyPixie says: B4U go—could you look up the telephone number for David’s DVDs for me? It’s in Kensington somewhere.

SugarShuli says: Did you think of trying directory enquiries?

ShelleyPixie says: I haven’t got the full address—you might have to hunt for it.

Surinda’s brother works in telesales. He’s got a huge pile of directories beside his bed at home. Surinda told me he keeps his collection of top-shelf magazines hidden underneath them too, but that’s more than anybody wants to know.

SugarShuli says: Give me a little while. If Yusef goes out later I can search for you, otherwise not.

ShelleyPixie says: Thanks for that, Surinda.

She’s not so bad after all. It’s not her fault her life is on the up and mine isn’t. I think I’ll make out a ‘May resolutions list’. I’ve got such little time left. I need to focus on what I want to get done before I go. It’s a pity I won’t make Surinda’s wedding like she thinks. I would have liked to have seen her all decked out in her orange sari.

But I promised myself I wouldn’t do the ‘if-onlys’.

I said I’d never do that.

My ‘May resolutions list’ would look like this:

1 Meet Krok. Okay, I do want to meet him. I want to say hello and goodbye. I want to know if I really would have fallen in love with him. I want to know what that must feel like. I can’t leave earth without doing that.

2 Sort out my stuff. I’ll make a list. Danny gets my computer. Surinda can have the emerald ring that belonged to my dad’s mum. That can be my wedding present to her.

3 Be independent. Find out who I am. Do something brave.

I reckon I can do those things before my birthday at the end of May. I can if I put my mind to it.

9 Rachel (#ulink_87866a5e-ace5-5e90-aa72-3c89a323daed)

Stella is having a difficult time with little Nikolai. I can hear him kicking and struggling in the background.

‘He’s always like this whenever one of us gets on the phone!’ Stella tells me. She sounds strained, distantly polite as always. I wish she would just accept that the last thing on my mind is any desire to steal my ex-husband back from his new wife. I don’t want Bill back. If they are happy together then I am truly glad of it.

‘Nikki and I were just about to go and play in the garden.’ The tone of her voice suggests that I have phoned at a most inconvenient time. The sun has been beating down all day in Surrey, apparently. Lucky Surrey. We, on the other hand, have been blessed with unremitting rain since the beginning of April. My garden is a veritable sea of mud.

‘I’ll see if I can locate Bill for you.’

Stella could be a secretary screening calls for a high-profile executive. I bite my lip irritably. I’ve already phoned Bill twice this week about our daughter’s birthday; the least he could do is get back to me.

I must be frowning more deeply than I realise because Sol—out there in the treehouse fixing a leak for Daniel—catches sight of me through the window and pulls a face. I pull a face back at him but then force myself to smile. I am going to be pleasant to Bill, no matter what it takes.

‘Hi, Rachel,’ Bill’s breathy voice comes down the phone suddenly. I get a momentary vision of him, a half-eaten piece of toast in one hand, his jacket half-on and scooping up the car keys from the sideboard as if he needs to be off, quickly, somewhere else.

‘Bill, I’m phoning about Shelley’s birthday. Have you got a minute?’

‘A minute, yes.’