The Old Debauchees. A Comedy

Perhaps he is some Messenger of Comfort. But Oh! I rather fear the reverse: For what Comfort can a Sinner like me expect?

SCENE IV Old Laroon in a Friar's Habit, Jourdain

Old Lar. A Plague attend this House and all that are in it.

Jourd. Oh! Oh!

Old Lar. Art thou that miserable, sad, poor Son of a Whore, Jourdain?

Jourd. Alas! Alas!

Old Lar. If thou art he, I have a Message to thee from St. Francis. The Saint gives his humble Service to you, and bid me tell you, You are one of the saddest Dogs that ever liv'd; for having disobey'd his Orders, and attempted to put your Daughter into a Nunnery: For which he has given me positive Orders to assure you, you shall lie in Purgatory five hundred thousand Years.

Jourd. Oh!

Old Lar. And I assure you it is a very warm sort of a Place; for I call'd there as I came along to take Lodgings for you.

Jourd. Oh! Heavens! is it possible! that you can have seen the dreadful Horrors of that Place?

Old Lar. Seen them! Ha, ha, ha, why, I have been there half a dozen times in a Day: Why, how far do you take it to be to Purgatory? Not above a Mile and half at farthest, and every Step of the way down Hill. Seen them! ay, ay, I have seen them, and a pretty Sight they are too, a pretty tragical sort of a Sight; if it were not for the confounded Heat of the Air – then there is the prettiest Consort of Musick.

Jourd. Oh! Heavens! Musick!

Old Lar. Ay, ay, Groans, Groans, a fine Consort of Groans, you would think your self at an Opera, if it were not for the great Heat of the Air, as I said before; some Spirits are shut up in Ovens, some are chain'd to Spits, some are scatter'd in Frying-pans – and I have taken up a Place for you on a Gridiron.

Jourd. Oh! I am scorch'd, I am scorch'd – For Pity's sake, Father, intercede with St. Francis for me: Compassionate my Case —

Old Lar. There is but one way, let me carry him the News of your Daughter's Marriage, that may perhaps appease him. Between you and I, St. Francis is a liquorish old Dog, and loves to set People to work to his Heart.

Jourd. She shall be married this Instant, the Saint must know it is none of my Fault: Had I rightly understood his Will, it had been long since performed – But well might I misinterpret him, when even the Church, when Father Martin fail'd.

Old Lar. I wou'd be very glad to know where I should find that same Father Martin. I have a small Commission to him relating to a Purgatory Affair. St. Francis has sentenced him to lie in a Frying-pan there, just six hundred Years, for his Amour with your Daughter.

Jourd. My Daughter!

Old Lar. Are you ignorant of it then? Did not you know that he had debauched your Daughter?

Jourd. Ignorant! oh! Heavens! no Wonder she is refused the Veil.

Old Lar. I thought you had known it. I'll shew you a Sight worse than Purgatory it self. You shall behold this Disgrace to the Church; a Sight shall make you shudder.

Jourd. Is it possible a Priest should be such a Villain?

Old Lar. Nothing's impossible to the Church you know.

Jourd. And may I hope St. Francis will be appeas'd.

Old Lar. Hum! There is a great Favourite of that Saint who lives in this Town, his Name is Monsieur Laroon. If you could get him to say half a Dozen Bead-Rolls for you, they might be of great Service.

Jourd. How! Can the Saint regard so loose a Liver?

Old Lar. Oh! St. Francis loves an honest merry Fellow to his Soul. And hearkee, I don't think it impossible for Mr. Laroon to bring you acquainted with the Saint; for to my Knowledge, they very often crack a Bottle together.

Jourd. Can I believe it?

Serv. Father Martin is below.

Old Lar. Son, behave civilly to him, nor mention a Word of what I have told you – that we may entrap him more securely.

SCENE VMartin, to them

Mart. Peace be with my Son. Ha! a Friar here! I like not this, I will have no Partners in my Plunder. Save you, reverend Father.

Old Lar. Tu quoque.

Mart. This Fellow should be a Jesuit by his Taciturnity. You see, Father, the miserable State of our poor Son.

Old Lar. I have advis'd him thereon.

Mart. Your Advice is kind, tho' needless. He hath not wanted Prayer, Fasting, nor Castigation, which are proper Physick for him.

Old Lar. Or suppose, Father, he was to go to a Ball. What think you of a Ball?

Mart. A Ball?

Old Lar. Ay, or a Wench now; suppose, we were to procure him a Wench.

Mart. Oh! monstrous! Oh! impious! —

Old Lar. I only give my Opinion.

Mart. Thy Opinion is damnable. And thou art some Wolf in Sheep's clothing. Thou art a Scandal to thy Order.

Old Lar. I wish thou art not more a Scandal to thine, Brother Father, to abuse a poor old Fellow in a Fit of the Spleen here as thou dost, with a Set of ridiculous Notions of Purgatory and the Devil knows what, when both you and I know there is no such thing.

Mart. That I should not know thee before. Don't you know this reverend Father, Son? Your worthy Neighbour Laroon.

Old Lar. Then farewel, Hypocrisy. I wou'd not wear thy Cloke another Hour for any Consideration.

Jourd. What do I see?

Old Lar. Why you see a very honest Neighbour of yours, that has try'd to deliver you out of the Claws of a roguish Priest, whom you may see too; look in the Glass and you may see an old doating Fool, who is afraid of his own Shadow.

Mart. Be not concerned at this, Son. Perhaps, one Hour's suffering from this Fellow, may strike off several Years of Purgatory; I have known such Instances.

Jourd. Oh! Father! Didst thou know what I have been guilty of believing against thee, from the Mouth of this wicked Man?

Old Lar. Death and the Devil, I'll stay no longer here; for if I do, I shall cut this Priest's Throat, tho' the Rack was before my Face.

SCENE VIMartin, Jourdain

Mart. Son, take care of believing any thing against the Church: It is as sinful to believe any thing against the Church, as to disbelieve any thing for it. You are to believe what the Church tells you, and no more.

Jourd. I almost shudder when I think what I believed against you. I believed that you had seduced my Daughter.

Mart. Oh! horrible! and did you believe it? Think not you believed it. I order you to think you did not believe it, and it were now sinful to believe you did believe it.

Jourd. And can I think so.

Mart. Certainly. I know what you believe better than you your self do. However, that your Mind may be cleansed from the least Pollution of Thought – go say over ten Bead-Rolls immediately, go and Peace attend you —

Jourd. I am exceedingly comforted within.

SCENE VIIMartin solus

Go. While I retire and comfort your Daughter. Was this a Suspicion of Laroon's, or am I betrayed? I begin to fear. I'll act with Caution, for I am not able yet to discover whether this Girl be of prodigious Simplicity or Cunning. How vain is Policy, when the little Arts of a Woman are superior to the Wisdom of a Conclave. A Priest may cheat Mankind, but a Woman would cheat the Devil.

SCENE VIII. The Street Old Laroon, Young Laroon meet

Y. Lar. Well, Sir, what Success?

Old Lar. Success! you Rascal! If ever you offer to put me into a Priest's Skin again, I'll beat you out of your own.

Y. Lar. What's the Matter, Sir?

Old Lar. Matter, Sir? Why I have been laughed at, have been abused. 'Sdeath! Sir! I am in such a Passion, that I do not believe I shall come to my self again these twenty Years. That Rascal Martin discovered me in an Instant, and turned me into a Jest.

Y. Lar. Be comforted, Sir, you may yet have the Pleasure of turning him into one.

Old Lar. Nothing less than turning him inside out. – Nothing less than broiling his Gizzard will satisfy me.

Y. Lar. Come with me, and I dare swear, I'll give your Revenge Content. We have laid a Snare for him, which I think it is impossible he should escape.

Old Lar. A Snare for a Priest! a Trap for the Devil! You will as soon catch the one as the other.

Y. Lar. I am sure our Bait is good – A fine Woman is as good a Bait for a Priest-trap, as toasted Cheese is for a Mouse-trap.

Old Lar. Yes, but the Rascal will nibble off twenty Baits before you can take him.

Y. Lar. Leave that to us. I'll warrant our Success.

Old Lar. Wilt thou? then I shall have more Pleasure in taking this one Priest, than in all the other wild Beasts I have ever taken.

SCENE IXJourdain, Isabel

Isa. If I don't convince you he's a Villain, renounce me for your Daughter. Do not shut your Ears against Truth, and you shall want no other Evidence.

Jourd. Oh, Daughter, Daughter, some Evil Spirit is busy with you. The same Spirit that visited me this Morning, is now in you.

Isa. I wish the Spirit that is in me wou'd visit you, you wou'd kick this Rogue out of Doors.

Jourd. The wicked Reason of your Anger is too plain. The Priest won't let you have your Fellow.

Isa. The Priest would have me for himself.

Jourd. Oh! wicked Assertion! Oh! base Return for the Care he has taken of your poor sinful Father, for the Love he has shewn for your Soul.

Isa. He has shewn more Love for my Body, believe me, Sir. Nay, go but with me, and you shall believe your own Eyes and Ears.

Jourd. Against the Church, Heaven forbid!

Isa. Will you not believe your own Senses, Sir?

Jourd. Not when the Church contradicts them. – Alas! How do we know what we believe without the Church? Why I thought I saw Mr. Laroon and his Son to-day, when I saw neither. Alack-a-day, Child, the Church often contradicts our Senses. But you owe these wicked Thoughts to your Education in England, that vile heretical Country, where every Man believes what Religion he pleases, and most believe none.

Isa. Well, Sir, if you will not be convinced, you shall be the only Person in Toulon that is not.

Jourd. I will go with thee, if it were only to see how far this wicked Spirit will carry his Imposition; for I am convinced the Devil will leave no Stone unturn'd to work my Destruction.

Isa. I hope you will find us too hard for him and his Ambassador too.

SCENE X. Another Apartment Young Laroon in Woman's Clothes

None ever waited with more Impatience for her Lover than I for mine. It is a delightful Assignation, but I hope it is a Prelude to one more agreeable. I shall have Difficulty to refrain from beating the Rascal before he has discover'd himself —

[Knocking at the Door.]

Who's there?

[Softly.]

Bea. Isabel, Isabel.

Old Lar. Come in. What a soft Voice the Rogue caterwauls in.

SCENE XI Young Laroon, Beatrice

Bea. What are you doing in the Dark, my Dear?

Y. Lar. Heyday, who the Devil is this? I seem to be in a way of an Assignation in earnest.

Bea. Isabel, where are you?

Y. Lar. Here, Child, give me your Hand. Dear Mademoiselle Beatrice, is it you?

Bea. Oh Heavens! am I in a Man's Arms?

Y. Lar. Hush! hush! – Don't you know my Voice – I am Laroon.

Bea. Mr. Laroon! What Business can you have here?

Y. Lar. Ask me no Questions, get but into a Corner of the Room and be silent, and you will perhaps see a very diverting Scene. Nay, do not be afraid, for I assure you, it will be a very innocent one; make haste, dear Madam, you will do a very laudable Action, by being an additional Evidence to the Discovery of a notorious Villain.

Bea. I cannot guess your Meaning, but would willingly assist on such an Occasion.

Yo. Lar. Now for my desiring Lover. Ha! I think I hear him.

SCENE XII Young Laroon, Martin

Mart. Isabel, Isabel, where are you?

Yo. Lar. Here.

Mart. Come to my Arms, my Angel.

Yo. Lar. I hope you are in no frightful Shape.

Mart. I am in the Shape of that very good Man thy Confessor, honest Father Martin. Let me embrace thee, my Love, my Charmer.

Yo. Lar. Bless me, what do you mean?

Mart. The Words even of a Spirit cannot tell you what I mean. Lead me to thy Bed, there shalt thou know my Meaning. There will we repeat those Pleasures which this Day I gave thee in another Shape – Tread softly, my dearest, sweetest! This Night shall make thee Mother to a Pope.

[Laroon leads him out.SCENE XIII. Another Apartment Old Laroon, Jourdain, Isabel, a Priest, Young Laroon, Martin, and Beatrice

Mart. Whither would you pull me?

Yo. Lar. Villain, I'll shew thee whither.

Mart. Ha!

Yo. Lar. Down on thy Knees, confess thy self the worst of Villains, or I'll drive this Dagger to thy Heart.

Priest. He needs not confess, our Ears are sufficient Witnesses against him.

Old Lar. Huzzah! Huzzah! The Priest is caught, the Priest is caught.

Jourd. I am Thunder-struck with Amazement.

Old Lar. How durst you attempt to debauch my Son, you black Rascal: I have a great Mind to make an Example of you for attempting to dishonour my Family.

Priest. You shall be made a severe Example of for having dishonour'd your Order.

Mart. I shall find another time to answer you.

Old Lar. Hold, Sir, hold. I have too much Charity not to cleanse you, as much as possible, from your Pollution. So, Who's there? [Enter Servants.] Here take this worthy Gentleman, and wash him a little in a Horse-pond, then toss him dry in a Blanket.

1 Serv. We will wash him with a Vengeance.

All. Ay, ay, we'll wash him.

Mart. You may repent this, Mr. Laroon.

SCENE the Last Old Laroon, Young Laroon, Jourdain, Priest, Isabel, and Beatrice

Priest. Tho' he deserves the worst, yet consider his Order, Mr. Laroon.

Old Lar. Sir, he shall undergo the Punishment, tho' I suffer the like afterwards. Well, Master Jourdain, I hope you are now convinced, that you may marry your Daughter without going to Purgatory for it.

Jourd. I hope you will pardon what is past, my good Neighbour. And you, young Gentleman, will, I hope, do the same. If my Girl can make you any amends, I give you her for ever.

Yo. Lar. Amends! Oh! She would make me large Amends for twenty thousand times my Sufferings.

Isa. Tell me so hereafter, my dear Lover. A Woman may make a Man amends for his Sufferings before Marriage; but can she make him amends for what he suffers after it?

Yo. La. Oh! think not that can ever be my Fate with you.

Old Lar. Pox o' your Raptures. If you don't make her suffer before to-morrow-morning, thou art no Son of mine, and if she does not make you suffer within this Twelve-month: Blood she is no Woman – Come, honest Neighbour, I hope thou hast discovered thy own Folly and the Priest's Roguery together, and thou wilt return and be one of us again.

Jourd. Mr. Laroon, if I have err'd on one side, you have err'd as widely on the other. Let me tell you, a Reflexion on the Sins of your Youth would not be unwholesome.

Old Lar. 'Sblood Sir! but it wou'd. Reflexion is the most unwholesome thing in the World. Besides, Sir, I have no Sins to reflect on but those of an honest Fellow. If I have lov'd a Whore at five and twenty, and a Bottle at forty; Why, I have done as much good as I could, in my Generation; and that, I hope, will make amends.

Isa. Well, my dear Beatrice, and are you positively bent on a Nunnery still?

Bea. Hum! I suppose you will laugh at me, if I shou'd change my Resolution; but I have seen so much of a Priest to-day, that I really believe, I shall spend my Life in the Company of a Lay-man.

Old Lar. Why, that is bravely said, Madam, S'bud! I like you, and if I had not resolv'd, for the Sake of this Rascal here, never to marry again, S'bud! I might take you into my Arms: And I can tell you, they are as warm as any young Fellow's in Europe– Come, Master Jourdain, this Night, you and I will crack a Bottle together, and to-morrow morning we will employ this honest Gentleman here, to tack our Son and Daughter together, and then I don't care if I never see a Priest again as long as I live.

Isa. [to Yo. Lar.] Well, Sir. You see we have got the better of all Difficulties at last. The Fears of a Lover are very unreasonable, when he is once assured of the Sincerity of his Mistress,

For when a Woman sets her self about it,Nor Priest, nor Devil can make her go without it.FINIS